It's Oscar Night! Let the Snark Begin...

Hey Movie Fans!!! Are you eating as much junkfood as we are? Did you spit nachos across the room at all of Lisa Rinna's dumb red-carpet questions? Perhaps you saw Ryan Seacrest flick his sweat?

A host of celebrities are gathered in the office -- Sean Daly, Sharon Fink, Princess Di and, of course, yours truly -- ready to talk nasty at the screen.

So come join us for Oscar Night! 'Cause you can't look away...

Comments

[Spears]

Tilda Swinton looks like Eric Stoltz in drag. ("Where's the money, Keith!!")

But let's please take time out to discuss "The Gary Busey Factor."

[Marissa]

HEY! I have margaritas. And you can't have one... neener, neener.

[jane]

I'm still not over, nearly an hour later, The Clooney's appearance on the red carpet.

Have there been other things going on since then?

[Marissa]

Babs Walter Special: Harrison Ford is up now.

[jane]

Is it some sort of Hollywood rule that Jillian Barberie Reynolds must provide weather coverage for big events? She's locked in to that FOX NFL pregame show and now she's doing the same thing (or at least she was earlier) for E!

Little different, though, throwing it back to Seacrest than to Howie and Terry...

[Steve Persall]

Good evening, everyone. I'd like to thank all the people who made this night possible. We'll be checking in here now and then. Feel free to post among yourselves!

[Marissa]

Miley Cyrus looks pained everytime I see her on the Red Carpet. I know she's young, but someone needs to coach her.

[Marissa]

Why is George with *that* woman?

[Jeff in Cuba]

I'm here.

The Oscars aren't exactly my cup of tea, but I'm hoping to be inspired (or at least outraged.)

[Marissa]

I haven't seen the majority of the movies. So, I'm only here to ask why stylists don't make sure their starlettes aren't wearing proper undergarments.

[Jeff in Cuba]

John Travolta looks like his hair snaps onto his head like a Lego.

[jane]

Catching up on red carpet stuff (thanks, Yahoo News!)

Absolutely hate the color of Kelly Preston's dress. Maybe it's just me, but it's blecch.

Marion Cotillard's dress is pretty, but it rather reminds me of my nana's lace tablecloth. Worn by a mermaid.

[Marissa]

Javier Bardem is dirty, sexy.

[Sean Daly]

For legal purposes, I totally rocked that Eric Stoltz-Tilda Swinton line earlier in the night. More proof that Spearsy and I share a brain.

[Jeff in Cuba]

What's with Javier Bardem's hair?

Bad Prince Valiant on-screen, bad duck-tailed pompadour off-screen.

[jane]

Ruby Dee looks like the lady she is -- at least in the photo. I'm sorry that Ossie isn't alive to share this with her.

[Marissa]

Jane, agreed on Kelly's dress. Mustard is not a good color for everyone. She needs some high-lights in her hair, too.

Good call, Jeff.

OMG! Steve Guttenberg. Did you see that?

[Sean Daly]

Travolta's hair is a follicle-by-follice re-creation of Jason Alexander's 'do in "Shallow Hal."

[Jeff in Cuba]

Harriot in Cuba was commenting on the rash of "mermaid dresses" this year.

I have no idea if that's good or bad, but it's all the "fashion cred" I'm going to be able to muster, so expect to hear it three or four more times.

I'm soooooo in over my head.

[Sean Daly]

I thought I saw Guttenberg in da hood, but figured the Funyuns were making me woozy. What's he doing here? Is "Police Academy 13" nominated for best lighting?

[jane]

Agreed on Javier Bardem, Miss Riss. Rowr.

Guttenberg is there (speculation ahead) because he's one of the 'Stars' on DWTS next go round. Nice cross-promo, ABC. Probably why we're seeing a lot of Miley Cyrus. And Regis!

[Jeff in Cuba]

Look at the rocks on Jennifer Garner's neck!

I could finance a Central American revolution with that thing!

[Jeff in Cuba]

What is Daniel Day Lewis' wife wearing?

Is that a brooch or a 6" flat-screen monitor from "Pimp My Gown"?

[Marissa]

Mmmmm I was just perusing pics on yahoo. Jason Bateman. I need a towel.

[Spears]

Given your geography and position in the armed forces, that was a pretty risque observation, Jeff.

[Spears]

Can I say once and for all that Regis needs to be put to sleep? His cringe factor is approaching that of Richard Simmons.

[jane]

Diablo Cody is dressed exactly how I hope she'd be. B*i*t*c*h*i*n' and with her ink on display. Hope she wins, not just because Juno is a great script, but because I can't wait to hear her acceptance speech.

[Marissa]

Spearsy - Amen.

[jane]

HEY! I like Regis, schmaltz and all. He's kinda like my favorite uncle.

But agreed with Richard Simmons, save for his appearances on Letterman. Those are classic.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Regis gets the 84-year-old groupie and then the production extras.

Up next, his riveting interview with the seat-fillers..

[Marissa]

Hey, do chicken pot pies complement Margaritas?

[jane]

Just caught a glimpse of Rebecca Miller, aka Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis.

Not a good look. At all. Especially the shoes. Ouch.

[Marissa]

Did he just call him Xavier Bardem?

[Spears]

Regis is channeling Jackie Mason tonight. I'm in pain.

[Marissa]

Rufus Xavier Sasparilla

[jane]

Xavier Bardem? HAHAHAHA!

Where's Charo when you need her...

[Guy]

Guttenberg's on the new season of Dancing with the Stars.

He also claims that the "The Gutt needs a date".

Guess that means he's available, Marissa.

[Marissa]

lol Woot! Think he'll grow a mustache for me, Guy?

[Marissa]

This has to be one of the wisest moves the producers of this show has made: Jon Stewart.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Riss,

"Schoolhouse Rock".

Niiiiice.

[Marissa]

tommy lee jones lookes like he's his own wax replica. Eesh! Smile, dood.

[Jeff in Cuba]

My stripper name:

"Laddie Fair"

[Spears]

So I'd be "Skippy Maple" as a male stripper.

So far, not the greatest monologue for the Oscars.

[Marissa]

Gaydolph Titler
I'll giggle about that all night.

[jane]

My stripper name:

Hamlet Coffee Pot.

No tips for me.

[Marissa]

Oh, we're doing stripper/porn names?
Mine would be .. are you ready for this?

[Marissa]

Chi Chi Evergreen

[Steve Persall]

The announcer said the gnarly old costume winner was nominated before for Hamlet. Was it the 1948 version?

[Jeff in Cuba]

So a costume drama wins for best costume, who could've of guessed?

And you could tell she worked in costumes, not make-up.

Hey Toots, aren't there any mirrors at your place?

[Marissa]

Wait, did I miss something. How did we get on stripper names? The Man-cub was talking to me.

[jane]

HA! Good one, Mr. Persall. She looks like she could have put Larry O. in his tights back in the day.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Two awards, no surprises.

[Marissa]

I saw Steve Carell at the famous Second City in Chicago a bajillion years ago. I was a "shout out" participant. Yeah, I feel cool.

[jane]

Heh -- so far I'm 1 for 2 in my Oscar pool. Although I picked "Elizabeth" to show in Costumes, so I get partial credit there.

[Marissa]

YOu're a make up lady. You get less time! Off you go, now! Scoot! ::cue music::

[Jeff in Cuba]

Wow, the make-up winner needs costume help; how ironic.

At least Pepe LePew looked good.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Harriot in Cuba prefers Amy Adam's performance outfit to her red-carpet frock.

(More second hand fashion cred.)

[Marissa]

Uh, is the creepy eyed guy commercial on where y'all are? It's making me bajiggity.

[jane]

Tell Harriot in Cuba that jane in florida agrees with her about Amy Adams, Jeff.

[Marissa]

THE ROCK! THE ROCK! THE ROCK! ::thud::

[Jeff in Cuba]

First "Norbit" loses, now "Transformers".

I'm feeling so disenfranchised.

[jane]

Crap -- I'm really behind now in my Oscar pool. Grrrrr.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Harriot in Cuba needs to know if that necklace thing is attached to Cate Blanchett's dress, or just a hidrous accessory.

[jane]

Hard to tell, Jeff -- tell Harriot I think it's part of the dress. Oy.

[jane]

Not the greatest look I've ever seen JHud in -- but it's better than last year.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Ladies,

Javier Bardem or Antonio Banderas?

[Marissa]

Jane, she's one that needs 'support' and refuses to wear dresses that allow it. Grecian Goddess? me thinks not. Get a full support bra, sister!

[jane]

Javier Bardem -- no big surprise. But I think his mama had on every piece of silver jewelry she owns.

[Marissa]

Give me Javier. Once a man starts selling perfume available over the counter at Walgreens and marries MElanie Griffith, all bets are off.

[Marissa]

Oh yeah, Sixteen Candles gets airtime in 08

[jane]

Jeff.

Javier Bardem. Hands down.

Antonio is just a little too greasy for me and I'm always thinking of that SNL sketch "Too Sexy!" Plus... Melanie Griffith.

Now Gael Garcia Bernal is another story entirely.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Harriot thinks Keri Russell looks like she forgot her dress and came out in an undergarment, heels and jewelery.

I should be so lucky.

[Tonianne]

javier, definitely.

and tee hee...gael garcia bernal...

[Jeff in Cuba]

Is it too soon to make Owen Wilson jokes?

[Tonianne]

what was he on, lithium?

[jane]

Owen Wilson looks good.

My comment about Gael Garcia Bernal... he's more than almost too pretty for my taste, but I wouldn't kick him out for eating zwieback.

[Marissa]

lol Zwieback lol

[Jeff in Cuba]

I'm going to start using "Tutli Putli".

[Marissa]

I think I'll use it, but probably for other reasons than you, Jeff.

[Jeff in Cuba]

That Peter & The Wolf guy reminded me of Michael Jackson and Emmanuel Lewis.

Creeeeeeeepy.

[jane]

what was up with Peter and the Wolf dude. That was just odd.

[Tonianne]

damn ms. ruby looks amazing

[Marissa]

What a DREADFUL dress. Yuck! My son wore something like that on Halloween.

[Jeff in Cuba]

It looks like Tilda came straight from her hair sylist still wearing the smock.

No jewelery, no make-up, and clearly no speech prepared.

[jane]

Wow -- totally got smoked on the Tilda Swinton win in the Oscar pool. Didn't pick her to win, place or show.

And she does look like Eric Stoltz.

Yay! Sydney Pollack shout-out and a Clooney Batsuit nipple comment. Awesome.

[Marissa]

Somehow Clooney and nipple in the same sentence just works for me

[Tonianne]

sydney pollack...you had to do it, jane.

[jane]

It's all good, ladies, isn't it ;-)

[Jeff in Cuba]

Does Tilda have some sort of felony on her record such that Harry Winston won't loan her some clip-on earrings?

It's the Oscars, pop for a shiny new slap bracelet.

[Marissa]

Jeff! A slap bracelet.. oh man. I just had a head rush laughing.

[Jeff in Cuba]

They always pick a hottie to give out the technical awards.

Because it's as close to an actual (not-inflatable) hot-rocket as we tech types will ever get.

[jane]

Jeff, I rewound to check Tilda out again - it looks like on her sleeved arm she's got some bling, but I can't tell if it's part of the dress or a cuff.

Ugly, regardless.

[jane]

JACK!

That is all.

[Tonianne]

where's frances mc dormand?

[jane]

After all these years, I still can never remember which one is Joel and which one is Ethan Coen. Or which one is married to Frances McDormand.

Maybe by the end of the evening, I'll have an answer.

[Jeff in Cuba]

The annual accounting disclosure.

The rush to the bathroon begins.

[Tonianne]

alfred molina could play jesus Christ, and i'll still envision him as having taken away sally field's daughter

[Tonianne]

that particular accounting firm puts food on my table ;-)

[Marissa]

Hey! It's one of the many Sean Daly crushes

[Jeff in Cuba]

Love, love, love Kristen Chenoweth.

And not just for her politics.

[jane]

I was wondering what Kristin Chenowith was doing on the red carpet -- and now I know. She's adorable.

[Tonianne]

chenoweth and sorkin are as confusing as matalin and carville

[Jeff in Cuba]

Tubas, steel drums, hard hats, old ladies clogging...

That's the kind of needless spectacle that makes this country great!

[jane]

Politics does make strange bedfellows. In these cases, literally.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Is that sound guy wearing a tuxedo t-shirt?

[Jeff in Cuba]

Harriot totally called Marion's win.

But she hates that dress; the only mermaid dress of the night with actual scales.

[Tonianne]

i'm thrilled she won.

[jane]

I flipped a coin between Marion and Julie Christie in this category in my pool. Unfortunately, I bet on the wrong horse.

I loved her speech -- her unexpected joy was evident.

[Tonianne]

reminded me of roberto benigni's a bit - truly heartfelt.

Here's your winning song.

All the "Enchanted" tunes are going to split the mainstream vote, and besides, the academy loves to vote for actors who sing (or direct, for that matter).

[Marissa]

Well, this one doesn't sound like a showtune as the others have.

[Tonianne]

i'm just enjoying not having to sit through a randy newman song this year

[Jeff in Cuba]

That was me picking the song.

Unless it doesn't win, in which case it was Sean.

[jane]

I love these movie retrospective things. I'm always reminded of movies I haven't seen or need to see again.

[Marissa]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[Tonianne]

saving private ryan was robbed.

[jane]

Or, in some cases, don't want to see again. *cough*Titanic*cough

[Marissa]

Thank God I'm not the only one who feels that way, Jane.

[Jeff in Cuba]

I think I've seen all but about 15 of the Best Pictures.

Haven't enjoyed them, but I've seen them.

[jane]

I'd forgotten that Oliver won Best Picture. Yikes. I need to see what it was up against.

[Jeff in Cuba]

OK, I've enjoyed some.

But certainly not all.

[Marissa]

One too many strands of tinsel, ya think?

[Tonianne]

oh tannenbaum, oh tannenbaum...

[jane]

Oliver beat, amongst others, Funny Girl and The Lion In Winter. Hrumph.

And Nicole's askew necklace is bugging me. As is her non-moving face. Can you botox safely while pregnant?

[Tonianne]

'riss - great minds...

[Jeff in Cuba]

Is Nicole's necklace supposed to cling asymetrically to her right breast?

I thought that was Spearsy's job.

[Tonianne]

and jane - i just asked the boy if there was now an ob-gyn approved strain of botulism.

[Tonianne]

lion in winter lost? seriously?

[jane]

I LOVE those tuxedo scarf things. Once upon a time, I had a vintage tux jacket that I wore with a broach strategically placed (no shirt) and a tuxedo scarf. Favorite dress-up outfit ever.

[jane]

Seriously. It lost to a bunch of singing ruffians.

[Tonianne]

javier bardem and penelope cruz - the latin version of the pitt-jolies

[Marissa]

Is he who she's shackin' up with now? She gets around

[Tonianne]

mastercard just sampled paolo conte's via con me. way cool.

[Marissa]

Cruz-dem
Bar-uz
Javelope

[jane]

Oh, that's right. Penelope is with Javier these days. Is she at this thing tonight?

[jane]

And that answers my stoopid question -- there she is!

[Marissa]

I don't approve of this coupling.

[Tonianne]

how does one go from THAT to katie holmes?

must be a xenu thing.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Great Nation of Khazakstan is robbed!

[jane]

Billy Wilder shout-out! Yay Austrian director dude!

[Marissa]

What the heck? Were there no other songs in movies this year? Give me a flippin' break..

[Tonianne]

as per S.O.P. the academy show no love for the silk road.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Is that Amy Adams dancing in her third dress of the evening?

[jane]

What's the over/under on how long it takes for Enchanted to be made into a Broadway show...

[Tonianne]

where's three 6 mafia when you need em?

[Marissa]

Jane, 12.5 minutes after this show ends

[Tonianne]

and speaking of xenu...travolta is channeling eddie munster

[jane]

Travolta's hair looks like the plastic 'do on a Ken doll.

[Marissa]

Woot!

[Jeff in Cuba]

Well what do you know, I got that one right.

[Marissa]

I was thinking Ronco hairspray.

[jane]

Thank goodness the pre-packaged tunage didn't win. Those two were so genuinely thrilled to win. Nice to see.

[Sean Daly]

Hey gang, as always, this is great reading. You're like a pop-culture-savvy Greek chorus. My night turned into a hellish flurry of bad-joke-slinging (about 30 zingers in 20 minutes) and random Haley Joel Osment refences. I'm predicting a bevy of hate mail in the morn.

[Marissa]

Ah, but that will make for interesting reading on Hate Mail Friday.

[Tonianne]

best moment of the night - stewart's a class act.

[Jeff in Cuba]

When the kids wake up I'll have to explain to them why an "Enchanted" song didn't win.

It can't be any harder than explaining why nothing was nominated from "Alvin & the Chipmunks".

[Marissa]

Her hair was done by a Girl Scout Troop earning their badges on personal grooming.

[Don]

Amazing to bring her out like that! What a great moment. I LOVED LISTENING TO THIS MOVIE. simple and beautiful.

[jane]

Totally agree, Tonianne. Lovely and classy. Go Jon.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Hey Hilary,

Mr. Ed called and he needs his dentures back.

[jane]

I think Cameron needs to dial back the setting the next time she hits Mystic Tan.

[Jeff in Cuba]

My buddy Johnny Grant made the obituary montage!

[Tonianne]

have they always honored agents?

[Marissa]

Deborah Kerr resembled my mama.

[jane]

I don't remember agents being in the obit montage before, but I could be wrong.

[Tonianne]

i keep confusing amy adams with isla fischer.

[jane]

Amy and Isla do look alike. I just noticed that.

Tom's forehead's not moving. Sigh.

[jane]

Aw -- this is really nice. And very cool.

[Jeff in Cuba]

The Iraq thing is a nice touch, especially for the "in Cuba" household.

Lots of friends there.

[jane]

Every year, I watch the documentary feature snippets and always wish I could see the entire films. Maybe this year, I'll be more proactive and figure out how to do that.

[Tonianne]

jane - see if you have a "docs in progress" venue in your area...and many wind up on netflix rather quickly

[jane]

Netflix will be the way to go, I think. I'm off to check the queue right now.

[Tonianne]

damn that earring, harrison.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Diablo's sporting some interesting ink.

Somewhere there's a mysterously blank mudflap.

[Tonianne]

diablo cody's acceptance - second best moment of the evening

[Marissa]

Va va voom, Helen!

[Tonianne]

venality and cujones in the same sentence - fabulous!

[jane]

Everything I hoped Diablo's speech would be, it was.

And when I grow up, I want to be Helen Mirren.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Daniel's earrings are almost big enough for American Idol.

[jane]

DDL reminds me of one of my grad school colleagues. But I'm not digging his tux.

[Marissa]

I'm not diggin' his 'flip' hairstyle.

[Marissa]

I think he borrowed that look from Sally Field's Gidget

[jane]

Oh, how I loved Jack Lemmon. Sigh.

[Tonianne]

...and his wife's necklace that was on special at chico's isn't working too well, either.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Please, please, please tell me this thing is going to come in on time.

I gotta run with the young guns at sunrise.

[Tonianne]

sydney!

[jane]

I'd forgotten that Mike Nichols used to be young -- seeing that Graduate footage. Wow.

Sydney!!

[Tonianne]

somebody needs a pair of spanx. just sayin.'

[jane]

Joel is the taller Coen. Now I know.

[Jeff in Cuba]

And Ethan's Mr. McDormand, right?

[Tonianne]

ahem. i do believe that was another shout out for sydney.

[jane]

Tight show tonight -- they brought this in not quite three and a half hours. It's been known to go well after midnight eastern.

[Marissa]

well, alrighty then.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Did the show finish 10 minutes early or 20 minutes late?

Or was it 50 minutes late?

[jane]

Lots of Sydney love tonight -- booyah!

[Tonianne]

buona notte, mi amici!

[Jeff in Cuba]

Here's the fashion rundown from Harriot in Cuba:

Worst Dressed: (tie) Tilda Swinton, wearing the Hefty Bag Collection, and Mrs. Daniel Day Lewis, wearing a second-grade class arts & crafts project.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Jennifer Hudson. Gravity's not just a good idea, Jen; it's the law.

Best Dressed: Helen Mirren, who never dsiappoints.

Honorable Mention: Katherine Heigl, who would look like a movie star in 1938, 1978, 2008, and 2028.

[Marissa]

Good night, everybody.

[jane]

I just switched over to E! to see Gary Busey crash his way into Seacrest's interview with Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner. Oh, I hope this ends up on YouTube tomorrow. It's classic.

[jane]

Ciao, y'all. Fino a domani!

[Jeff in Cuba]

Jon Stewart is the John Elway of emcees.

Fairly pedestrian during the monologue, but when's he's scrambling and on the fly, it's magic.

I've got to emcee a ceremony next weekend and then again the weekend after that, and I already have a couple of his lines I'm looking to steal.

I mean "sample".

[Jeff in Cuba]

Later.

[Marissa]

p.s. Steve, your blog has 203 comments including this one. Sweet dreams.

[Steve Persall]

Thanks, Marissa, and everyone else who contributed here. I'd like to accept this blog support on behalf of all the little people but I can't since the Times doesn't employ anyone under 4-feet-tall. Instead, I'll thank the large talents who cobbled together this morning's Oscar coverage. They really make me think nothing is impossible... except getting Eric Deggans to clean up his office and get better TV technology.

[Marissa]

Oh Steve ::wipes tear:: you really know how to ::sniffle:: well, thanks.

[Jeff in Cuba]

The music's playing, 'Riss. It's time to get off the stage.

[Marissa]

Maybe Jon will let me come back out to finish.

[Princess Di]

Awesome posts, all! Had a great (if busy) time last night watching the awards with Steve, Sean & Sharon. For all of you who asked...my stripper name is either 'Chili Waldwick' or 'Mojo Gass'.

[Steve Persall]

She does have mojo gas, I'll attest.