I used a GPS system once, in a rental car driving from Fayetteville, Ark., to Branson, Mo. Didn't get lost but got a little agitated a few times when the sugary voice giving directions would politely inform me she was "recalculating" after missing a turn. There was also that route she suggested that guided us through an industrial park after dark to reach a highway, which gave me a neat idea for a slasher flick: Global Positioning Slaughter.
If that had been Mr. T or Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet mode steering me wrong, I'd be too scared to complain.
But those celebrities and a few others are offering their vocal services to TomTom global positioning system users, with downloads available for $12.95 at Navtones.com. Even if you don't own a GPS system on your phone or in your car, just listing to samples at the site are a kick:
"You're riding with Dennis Hopper, the easy rider. I'm here to drive you, brother, tell you where to go. Sit back and relax. I'm gonna get you there in one piece," the former antiestablishmentarian says. Later, he starts taunting: "What are you, high? Do you think I know where you're going? Are you lost yet? Hahahaha! Are you lost yet? Hahahaha!"
Mr. T pities any fool who doesn't listen to his directions. Kim Cattrall sounds like she'd rather be in the back seat, driving. Burt Reynolds -- hammer down, Bandit! -- wants to know where the women are.
But it's Gary Busey, the guy who claimed on a reality show that he can "smell colors," who doesn't seem to be someone AAA would recommend.
The site describes Busey as "one of Hollywood's most thought-provoking souls. Having recovered from traumatic brain injury after a motorcycle malfunction, Gary knows a thing or two about safe motoring and how to make the most of your journeys."
Okay, and maybe I'll take cooking lessons from someone who once blew up a kitchen.
Click on Busey's sample for a bit of his wisdom:
"If you ever get bored just honk at geese even though you don't see any. Just honk at them. Like, I'll give you an example: (loud impersonation of a goose). I'm not bored because I'm honking at geese."
Gee, Gary that's ... nice.
Steve Persall is the movie critic for the St. Petersburg Times. He was conceived behind a drive-in movie theater his father operated and raised in projection booths and concession stands. He doesn't care how you did it up north.
Good ideas all, Aaron. Drescher on my GPS would save on gas since I wouldn't get in my car as often, scared that she'd pop on.
Posted by: Steve Persall | July 22, 2009 at 08:57 AM
How bout Christopher Walken? HAL from 2001 a Space Oddysey? James Earl Jones (as himself or Darth Vader)? Danny DeVito? Edie McClurg? Jim Ross and/or Jerry "The King" Lawler (commentators for WWE Wrestling)? John Madden? Hulk Hogan? Al Pacino? Jack Black?Martha Stewart? Stephen Colbert? Anyone but Gilbert Godfrey or Fran Drescher!
Posted by: Aaron Lea | July 22, 2009 at 12:44 AM
It's too bad that Peter Sellers is long gone, because he'd be awesome. Maybe they can get Dan Castellaneta to do his Homer Simpson voice...just imagine making a wrong turn and hearing 'D'Oh!"
Posted by: Douglas Arthur | June 15, 2009 at 11:32 PM
My pleasure, Sam. Busey should get you where you need to be.
Posted by: Steve Persall | June 15, 2009 at 08:39 PM
I just went over to Navtones and got the Mr. T voice and I had to get Gary Busey after watching a couple of demos. the Busey voice is hysterical.
Looks like they have the real KITT coming too (William Daniels is it?) That will be awsome.
Thanks for letting me know about these Navtones. I enjoyed the read and now love my GPS.
Posted by: Sam | June 15, 2009 at 02:21 PM