Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando: Scream dreams from the silver screen

Elsewhere on tampabay.com, you'll find reviews of the most popular Halloween frightfests in Florida, including my take on the annual Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando Resort.

Why did I get the gig? Because Universal always does a great job of exploiting its horror legacy, from Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff to Chucky from Child's Play. They each have a haunted house at the theme park devoted to their bloody exploits, and the ques leading to terror can be scarier than the monsters. But allow me to share a few more available attractions.

Long lines aren’t your cup of blood? No problem. Scores of zombies, cannibals and mutants wander the park, lunging at visitors. The ghoul rule is: You don’t touch them and they don’t touch you. Break it and you may get bounced from the park, no argument and no refund.

The main entrance leads to Containment, a faux chemical catastrophe with dense green fog making monsters hard to detect until it’s too late. World War II soldier-zombies continue fighting a War of the Living Dead on one street, while the Lights, Camera, Hacktion “director” swings a mean (but bladeless) chainsaw at guests on another.

Apocalypse: City of Cannibals is what it sounds like, with actors munching on bogus body parts. Another tie-in with an upcoming movie, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, is the tamest of the attractions, befitting the film’s PG rating. The Horrorwood Die-In Theater shows movie clips on an outdoor screen; that isn’t popcorn those zombie moviegoers are eating.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show tribute returns with the cult flick displayed above actors dancing and singing live (not lip-synched).

Universal also opens several mainstay rides including Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Simpson’s Ride, Revenge of the Mummy, Men in Black: Alien Attack and, on peak nights, Jaws.

You can’t experience everything in one Halloween Horror Night, so Universal offers the Frequent Fear Pass ($69.99) allowing visits every Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday through Oct. 31. Good for your wallet, if your heart and feet can take it.

Manatees, mermaids and a merman

Always wanted to pet a manatee. Came close with a sock hop pickup named Becky back in junior high but that's another story.

Anyway, Princess Di (who thought her wet suit made her look like a ninja) and I drove before dawn Saturday to Crystal River and met a few of these magnificently passive creatures face-to-snout, snorkeling in Kings Bay with Capt. Mike's Sunshine River Tour. It's off-season right now -- winter months are when manatees crowd inland waters -- but Captain Ed on our boat knew where to find the few hanging around now.

The water was a bit murky, so the first time a manatee swam 3 feet away from my scuba-masked eyes, all I saw was a rounded tail that I immediately mistook for a stingray, prompting me to scream through my snorkel like a little girl. My eyes followed the form to the left and recognized it disappearing into the silt. Then I felt something on my right side, glanced in that direction and saw the snout of a female manatee (I'll tell you in a minute how I knew), curiously sniffing my head.

Maybe she thought I was another manatee, since my wet suit fit me like a sausage casing. And all this time I thought I had a body like a barracuda.

The manatee gently swam deeper, under me, and rose slightly to place her algae-coated back within scratching distance. That stuff itches, Captain Ed told us, so they appreciate the help. I scratched until she made a balletic turn, flipping over so I could scratch her stomach -- the universal animal kingdom sign of friendliness.

That's when she thrusted her manatee va-jay-jay at my face. I didn't scratch that. I'm a married man, you know.

Anyway, the trip was planned as part of an upcoming Weekend package. However, my editor decided (too late for a manatee tour refund) that a trip to Weeki Wachee Springs State Park would better serve our purposes, so we did both. We already planned the Weeki Wachee stop to visit with Porterhouse, son of our best friends Mr. and Mrs. T-Bone, who works at the attraction and swims in the Little Mermaid underwater show -- still one of Florida's finest tourist attractions after 62 years.

That's him in the water (above) with "Ariel," when she saves him after falling overboard. Porterhouse -- whom you know from his posts on this blog under his real name, Tanner -- gave Di and me a backstage tour of this historic place. Even let me flip a few switches on the water-bubble special effects board. Thanks again, pal. Mad waltz skillz at left, too.

Overall, a great day enjoying what made Florida a paradise to begin with. Now it's back to work, with a 10 a.m. screening of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, knocking out a review and hopefully fun sidebar, then an evening screening of Terminator Salvation. You know it's summertime when there's more contact with movies than manatees and mermen.