BLOG BATTLE! The Police vs. Sting

My chunky-but-funky co-host on "Stuck in the '80s" has been smoking in the shower again. Steve Spears insists that (1) the Police are overrated and come mighty close to sucking (2) Sting's solo output is better than the Police's output, and (3) that he, Steve Spears, has three nipples. I'm with him on (3) 'cause I've boated with Steve. But (1) and (2) are just PLAIN ridiculous, right? Can you believe this guy? (To see Steve's asinine argument, GO HERE.)

So guess what? We're gonna have an ol'-fashioned BLOG BATTLE!!!

Thus, here are three reasons why three Police are better than one Sting:

(1) Stewart Copeland never bragged about having eight-hour nookie. Neither did Andy Summers. And back when Sting was still in the Police, he was too tired rocking out fat jams a la Invisible Sun to tantrically hump half the day away. But check it out, yo: Sting's solo output is so WEAK AND WUSSY, he had plenty of time to pleasure his wife for a fortnight. That's a tell-tale sign. It was either the band or the bone. Sting chose his wife over rock 'n' roll. That's traitorious in my book. ROUND ONE? DALY!!!

(2) "Another suburban family morning / Grandmother screaming at the wall / We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies / We can't hear anything at all." Holy crap, how good is Synchronicity II? Only the Police -- the steady machine-gun beat of Copeland, the prickly siren wail of Summers, the encyclopedic paranoia of Sting, all merging as one anti-establishment battle cry -- could paint the 'burbs as so heinously horrific. I've been stuck in suburban hell for a few years now, and I mainstream this flat-out rocker every week just to get through the day. ROUND TWO? DALY!!! 

(3) The Police are the best adult-education teachers in rock history. And I do mean adult. And education. And pervs. Is there an aging hetero schlub out there who hasn't taken solace in the Lolitan discomfort of Don't Stand So Close to Me? Hey, if the Police get randy for wanton coeds but are strong enough to say no, then I can, too. Thank you, Stewart, Andy and Sting. And thank you, too, blonde intern whose name I can't remember. ROUND THREE? DALY!!!!!!

Chomp on that, Tri-Nips.

Comments

[ClayFan]

"Tri-Nips" - that is too funny! I just projected Diet Mountain Dew out of my nose and all over my keyboard. My boss will probaly fire me.... Keep up the good work SD.

[Brad]

Sean,

You win.

Not too long ago I went through Sting's solo stuff - albums that I LOVED in college - and I couldn't really figure out what I liked about them so much. Feh. Meh.

The Police, however, released Timeless Classics. Timeless I Say!

[Sean Daly]

Thank you, Brad. Well said. Spears' Kool-Aid swilling '80s minions are blindly aligning with their portly savior. All the while, reason, rhyme and rock triumph in Pop Life.

[Dr. Bob]

Rumor has it that Sean steals have his blog items from the 80s blog anyway. So if there's any real winner here, it's the original 80s blog. The Dr. Pepper of blogs. The sultan of suave.

If Steve says it's Sting, than I'm sticking with Sting too. Any friend of Huey Lewis is a friend of mine!

[Brad]

Sean,

Normally I find myself among the ranks of the Kool-Aid'ed minions - but this time Mr. Spears has gone too far.

[Guy]

Are you kidding me? Is this even a contest?

The Police, hands-down. Try making a "Greatest Hits of Sting & the Police" and see how many of the former make the cut. Even the worst of "Synchronicity" -- Mother & Miss Gradenko -- are better than some of the world music/lite jazz swill that Sting dumped on us over the years.

[Moonlight Graham]

Even Burt Lancaster would agree: Steve is right again.

"I can't, I can't, I can't stand listening to the Police."

Over-rated (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

[Uncle Crappy]

The Police: One of the best two or three bands of the 80s.

Sting: Unfocused MOR staples, bordering on easy listening.

Good lord, it isn't even close...

[Josh Korr]

Check out this Slate piece on Sting by Stephen Metcalf: slate.com/id/2160017/. If anyone wants to argue for Sting over the Police after that -- well, consider this line:

"Unyoked from Copeland, Sting was free to become what he is today: one-third spirit in the material world, two-thirds scented candle."

Zing! Though great as that line is, Metcalf can't bring himself to really hate Sting: "When the Police broke up, he returned to his heartfelt origins, that of a dork who wants to play his own (albeit debased) version of American jazz; and that of a twerpie overachiever who, embarrassed by his humble lineage, never stops trying out for the lit magazine. Such a person may be clueless but is not obnoxious. Sting's smugness is a mile wide but only an inch deep. (In contrast, I've always had the feeling Stewart Copeland, whom I otherwise worship, would rub suntan lotion in my hair.) For those of us inclined to dislike him, Sting's odd little memoir presents us with the most insufferable fact of all. He's apparently a decent and thoughtful human being."

David Hajdu also had a piece on Sting, a review of the lute album, in a recent New Republic. (It's at tinyurl.com/2hyq64 but is probably subscriber-only.) Hajdu is even more brutal than Metcalf: "With Songs From the Labyrinth, Sting has given in fully to his critics' worst charges. Perhaps becoming a minstrel of Elizabethan lute songs will liberate him and free, free, set Sting (and us) free from his labyrinthine pretensions. Then again, Sting may well feel perfectly at ease with Dowland's grandiloquent bids for favor with the aristocracy of his day. Songs From the Labyrinth has earned Sting an invitation to sing and play his lute for the present-day Queen Elizabeth. If some admirers of his early rock records have felt betrayed by Sting in recent years, one reason consistent with the coldness and pretense of his music is a sense, magnified by images of him luting for the queen, that he would like to abandon rock royalty for the real thing. One might expect him to be gratified enough to have been knighted, but--I'm sorry. I forgot: that hasn't happened just yet. My mind jumped ahead a few months."

I'd rather listen to Sting play "If The Russians Love Their Children Too" on a lute than listen to one more Police song.

[Bassnote]

Sean, again I find myself on your side. While I like some of Sting's solo material, it does not in any way overshadow the output of the Police. Give me King Of Pain and Synchronicity II over Englishman in New York and We'll Be Together any time.

[Brad]

I'll post this here, rather than in the enemy camp:

The Police were the launching pad for Sting's solo career. Would his jazzy navel-gazing soft-rock have gone anywhere without the pre-built exposure?

Sure, he's a good songwriter. I know several good songwriters - none of whom have ever or will ever get airplay on any radio station anywhere. He can play bass. Again, I know many talented bass players. He likes jazz and can write a pop tune based on a theme from a dead Russian classical composer. That and $2 will get you a cuppa Starbucks.

No Police = No Sting. Just Gordon Sumner, teaching school, gigging with his buddies at his local pub on the weekends, and wondering if he should have listened to that Copeland guy after all.

[wxdancer]

Gotta agree with the choir here, but just barely. Saw the Police back in '82...Ghost in the Machine tour, but never saw the Sync tour nor have I seen Sting solo since. The reunion gives me a chance to see what I missed with Synchronicity, which to me was their best effort and one of the two rock records to receive both critical acclaim and popular appeal in the 80s (Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms" was the other).

However, be careful about calling Sting's solo efforts "wussy". Some were, most were not. Ten Summoners Tales (1993) is deep and solid musically; even some recent cuts (2003's Stolen Car, which has a Synchronicity II feel lyrics-wise) has similar attributes.

[Walter Cox]

Daly, I'm siding with you.

To give you another point, let's just compare the original Police version of "Demolition Man" to the lame one Sting did solo for the "DM" soundtrack.

[Phill]

Sting is lame - but rumour has it he's trying, Ringo, he's trying real hard.

In fact, with our help he could even become more like Nick Nolte - how can that be a bad idea?

http://www.stingfornolte.com