Red Sox Nation Loves Vanilla Ice

So the Feather Sound boys and I went to the Rays-Sox game yesterday. Good one, Dice-K vs. Kazmir. The place was approximately 98.7 percent Boston fans, although the loyal Nation didn't have much to root for. Rays won 5-2 thanks to a prodigious blast by B.J. Upton.

Anyway, after the game, we wandered over to Ferg's, one of the great postgame sports bars in baseball. Soon after we arrived, a curious eddy of Red Sox fans started swirling on the dance floor. Clapping, nodding their heads, they form a circle; this is obviously a ritual, we think. The DJ, who has already played Fenway anthem Sweet Caroline, says the visitors have made another request. There is a buzz, a randy energy in the air...

...and then the song starts. At first I think it's Queen, but no: The Red Sox fans start whoopin' and a-hollerin for Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. Soon, the eddy produces two rugged participants, who strip off their Red Sox shirts and start prowling the parameters of the dance floor, wary of each other, gauging each other's skill, quickness. And then, with the speed of Coco Crisp, but the agility of Carlos Quintana, they start breakdancing, popping, locking, doing the Worm. Their key maneuver is the Hat Toss, in which they hurl their Red Sox hat a few feet away, pretend they can't find it, and then crabwalk to the hat, eliciting great squeals of joy from the Red Sox Nationalists. I grew up in Westford, Mass.; my preteen emotions were based solely on the performance of Red Sox slugger Jim Rice. And yet, I had never seen the crabwalk.

The Rays fans could only look on with envy, desperate for a ritual of their own. 

Best Duets of All Time

This fall, the Forever Fiancee and I will celebrate our 14th (more or less) anniversary. We met as reporters for competing newspapers in Ocean City, Md.; we totally made out on our first date. We were both 23. We took a breather (more or less) for patches over the years, including my destructive Lusty Red Walls period in the early '00s, which finally ended when the FF broke into my Washington, D.C. quarters and performed her seductive Copacabana dance, a highly controversial series of Barry Manilow-intensive booty-shaking maneuvers that left me all but defenseless. Soon enough, Kid Lulu was percolating.

The FF and I are catching a heap of crap lately for the whole "not married" thingie. But I've given full clearance to my pals in Feather Sound to suprise us some night with a preacher and a 12-pack of beer. If I showed up, and there was some dude ready to marry us (and there was a 12-pack), I'd do it in a heartbeat. I would.

But what I'm REALLY worried about is that first-dance song. You can't kickstart the marriage with a lousy song. I was thinking a duet might be appropriate. But which one? So I started brainstorming the best duets. They came fast and furious; I'm a sucker for soft hits. The first one listed here might be right -- although Don't Fight It would work, too.

Anyway, here you go, THE BEST DUETS OF ALL TIME:    

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around -- Tom Petty & Stevie Nicks
Endless Love -- Lionel Richie & Diana Ross
You Don't Bring Me Flowers -- Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand
Crying -- Roy Orbison & k.d. lang
Islands in the Stream -- Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Don't Go Breaking My Heart -- Elton John & Kiki Dee
You're All I Need to Get By -- Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Leather and Lace -- Don Henley & Stevie Nicks
Under Pressure -- David Bowie & Freddie Mercury
Don't Fight It -- Kenny Loggins & Steve Perry
The Closer I Get to You -- Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway
Too Much Too Little Too Late -- Johnny Mathis & Deniece Williams
What Kind of Fool -- Barry Gibb & Barbra Streisand
I'll Be There for You/You're All I Need to Get By --Mary J. Blige & Method Man
This Is Us -- Mark Knopfler & Emmylou Harris
On My Own -- Michael McDonald & Patti LaBelle
Summer Nights -- Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta
Close My Eyes Forever -- Ozzy Osbourne & Lita Ford
Here We Go Again -- Ray Charles & Norah Jones
Say Say Say -- Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson

Nikki Sixx's "The Heroin Diaries"

The greatest rock 'n' roll tell-all? That's easy. Motley Crue's The Dirt, especially the first 250 pages. The band's collective disregard for human life and adventures in drug-hoovering is shocking, atrocious, criminal. But unlike 99-percent of showbiz tell-alls, the boys are brutally honest in their excess. Tommy is the horny monkey boy, Vince is the cold-blooded ladykiller, Mick is a homunculitic outcast -- but the surprise is the smarts and storytelling verve of bassist Nikki Sixx, who reveals that he actually DIED from a heroin overdose, but managed to fight the white light and return.

Anyway, this Sept. 18, Sixx will publish a sorta-sequel to The Dirt called The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star. There's also an accompanying soundtrack. They've sent me the disc and parts of the book. Shocking, atrocious, criminal. Here we go again.

If you want to read a disturbing excerpt of the new book -- in which he does REALLY BAD THINGS with former Prince flame Vanity -- click on the link just below.

The New Prince Album Kinda Blows

The party is over. Someone apparently broke Prince's bass. After two booty-bumping comeback albums — 2004's Musicology and last year's underrated 3121 — everyone’s favorite gnomish funk pirate has decided to cut the fun and make a tinny rock and R&B album that sounds DOA circa DeBarge. With the exception of one great guitar spazz-out, Planet Earth is, lo and behold, boring. In other words, the Purple One, so good at playing music from the waist down, has decided to make an album from the neck up. From the apocalyptic claptrap of the title track to an endless assortment of milquetoast slow jams (make-out music? -- Prince doesn't make out!), he fires off nary a hip-thrusty groove. The album's sole downloadable goodie is Guitar, a decent air-guitar jam that still wouldn't crack a greatest-hits box set. Forgettable is the nicest thing to say about Planet Earth.

Why Fight It? The Harry Potter Mix

My daughter isn't even four yet, but Kid Lulu, presumably through juvenile osmosis, was infected with full-on Harry Potter fever last weekend. It was kinda cute for awhile, until she (1) wacked me in the crotch with a broomstick and then (2) demanded that I lift both her and said broomstick up and fly her around the house like a Quidditch star, thus ensuring a hernia in her wheezy Old Man and black scuff marks on most of our white walls. Oh well.

One of the things I like most about J.K. Rowling, and why I don't mind all the hype, is that she's an obvious newspaper reader. Her characters are always checking out the Daily Prophet. I like that. Newspapers are in disarray these days, so any rah-rah for the biz is welcomed. Maybe as a result, more kids will pick up the paper, read my stories and then call me and tell me how much I suck. One can only hope.

Because I'm always on the lookout for a cheap playlist tie-in, let's do a Harry Potter Mix, something for the nerds to listen to when they write their creepy fan fiction about Ron and Harry in a Diagon Alley bathhouse. Crank it up, you horny Muggles:

1) That Old Black Magic -- Ella Fitzgerald
2) Abracadabra -- Steve Miller Band
3) The Wizard -- Black Sabbath
4) Don't Mess With the Dragon -- Ozomatli
5) White Unicorn -- Wolfmother
6) Witchy Woman -- the Eagles
7) Scars -- Papa Roach
8) I Put a Spell on You -- Screamin' Jay Hawkins
9) Curse -- Audioslave
10) Let's Hear It for the Boy -- Deniece Williams

That's "Vavoomishly" (Beyonce Review)

TAMPA -- She's only 25 years old, but after nights like this, she must feel 50.

It's not easy being Beyonce these days. Sure, she's incredibly rich, she's vavoomishly beautiful and, unlike many of her peers, she has talent and can actually spell t-a-l-e-n-t. But her Saturday show at the St. Pete Times Forum was a reminder that these are fickle days in the music biz.

Ms. Knowles, who has topped the charts with R&B trio Destiny's Child and as a solo artist, drew just a few thousand fans to her local stop at a joint that seats more than 20,000.

Attendance figures were not made available, but before the show, fans in the upper levels were invited to wander down to the first level and floor, which I have NEVER seen done at a Forum show. It should have been pandemonium, but it wasn't, another sign that plenty of seats were available.

You can blame it on the rainy weather. But the truth is that these are the downloadable days of disposable pop, when staying power means two weeks on the charts and maybe a date with Avril Lavigne.

You don't even have to be all that talented, but it helps to be cute. Take, for instance, opening act Robin Thicke, with his Kmart Justin Timberlake routine. You know what Thicke's really good at? Breathing heavy. Oh yeah, he's like the Darth Vader of lame R&B. I give him another month.

Beyonce knows the only way to stay on top is to work hard. And that's exactly what she did.

You Say It's Your B'day...It's My B'day, Too

I'm not gonna lie to you: Beyonce really does it for me. Her last album was kinda lame -- and yet, this picture from the liner notes of her last album was not. Look at those gators! Look at those heels! My girl B can sing, she can dance -- and her coconut-cracking gams are superheroic in build. A national treasure, I say! She's only 25 years old, but I bet she feels older, with all the Rihannas and such nipping at her diva heels. Poor thing. I'm here for you, baby girl. I'm here for you.

Anyway, on Saturday night, I'll be reviewing "The Beyonce Experience" at the St. Pete Times Forum. Ms. Knowles comes on at 9:15, and plays (or does whatever Beyonce does) until 11:15. I really only posted this blogation in order to run saucy pix, but for anyone who might care in the slightest, here is her setlist for the show, which has been printed in a few places. Let's go get 'em, B:

"Crazy in Love"
"Freakum Dress"
"Green Light"
"Baby Boy"/"Murder She Wrote"
"Beautiful Liar"
"Naughty Girl"
"Me, Myself and I"
"Dangerously in Love 2/He Loves Me"
"Flaws And All"
Destiny's Child Medley
"Speechless"
"Ring the Alarm"
"Suga Mama"
"Upgrade U"
"'03 Bonnie & Clyde"
"Check on It"
"Get Me Bodied"
"Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friends/Dreamgirls"
"Listen"
"Irreplaceable"
"Deja Vu"

Cinder Road Rulz

I saw these dudes from Timonium, Md., open up for Chris Daughtry a few months ago — and immediately, the suburban-dirtball gene in my DNA kicked into overdrive. Cinder Road, which plays St. Pete on Saturday, can’t be much older than my rippiest pair of Levis, but they play like ’80s hair-metal gods, all hip-thrusts and lascivious licks and plaintive howls. It's the headbanger equivalent of comfort food.

Lead singer Mike Ruocco, the dude in the middle, looks a little like Christina Ricci, which totally confuses me sexually. But I can overlook that (or at least ignore it until I need therapy) and tap into their Ratt 'n' Roll aesthetic. You do know how to Ratt 'n' Roll, right?

I'm also convinced Cinder Road could kick the sh-- out of Nickelback in a streetfight. Not that they play the same music. Nickelback blows -- Cinder Road rocks. But Nickelback seems to be the metal of the moment, which is sad. Cinder Road is tried-and-true glam-metal, which obviously means that Timonium, Md., is the new Sunset Strip, which I suspected all along.

To hear music clips, you can go here.

Cinder Road, with Candlebox, plays Saturday, July 21 at 8 p.m. Jannus Landing, 16 Second St. N, St. Petersburg. $19.50 advance, $23 day of show. (727) 896-2276.

10 Best TV Theme Songs

Just recorded a podcast with Times TV critic Eric Deggans, who is currently out in L.A. at the TV Writers Liquor 'n' Hype-a-thon, where talented tube scribes get schmoozed and boozed by major broadcast networks. Eric is staying at the Beverly Hilton; they are no doubt fanning him and feeding him grapes, as well. Eric spins some good yarns, so definitely check out the podcast. We'll be recording a new podcast every day, my jealousy, my envy, my rage reaching new fevery peaks each episode.

In the meantime, I'm feeling inspired. Let's talk TV themes. THE 10 BEST TV THEMES, that is. I'm a big fan of Mike Post, so you'll find a lot of his work on here, including two in the top spots. I'm basically disqualifying pre-existing songs a la the Who hits for the CSI franchise. That said, Quincy Jones is getting on here, rules be damned. I also have no idea who wrote a couple of these. (In Search Of..., anybody?) So basically, the rules are loose, just like my morals and grasp of journalism. So here you go...

10) The A-Team Theme -- Mike Post and Pete Carpenter
9) The Dick Van Dyke Show -- ???
8) Meet the Flintstones -- lyrics by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, music by Hoyt Curtin
7) Hill Street Blues -- Mike Post
6) Miami Vice -- Jan Hammer
5) The Greatest American Hero -- Mike Post (sung by Joey Scarbury)
4) In Search Of... -- ????Maybe Leonard Nimoy????
3) Sanford and Son -- Quincy Jones (theme's real name is called The Streetbeater, I believe)
2) Magnum, P.I. -- Mike Post
1) The Rockford Files -- Mike Post

Carrie Underpants Returns

This blogation is really just a sad, horny way for me to run Carrie Underwood pix. I just got this PR hype from her peeps. New album out Oct. 23. This press release is basically worthless -- which is pretty much like the 500 other press releases I get every day. And yet, here it is...

"Nashville, TN – One of this year’s most anticipated albums is set for release October 23, as two-time GRAMMY winner and reigning CMA and ACM Female Vocalist Carrie Underwood delivers her new 19 Recordings/Arista Records/Arista Nashville collection – the follow-up to her multi-award-winning juggernaut debut, Some Hearts.

The massive, cross-format success of Some Hearts scored at country and pop radio with four #1 country airplay singles and Top 10 success at Hot AC and Mainstream Top 40, while the album soared to six-times Platinum certification, becoming one of only two country debuts in history ever to reach that milestone.

Produced by Mark Bright, who helmed seven tracks on Some Hearts, the to-be-titled new disc is currently being completed, but will include additional songwriting from Carrie, who co-penned the album track, "I Ain’t in Checotah Anymore," on Some Hearts.

Released November 15, 2005, Carrie’s Some Hearts has been #1 for a remarkable 27 of its 86 chart weeks – holding the #1 slot on Billboard’s Top Country Albums chart across multiple weeks in 2005, 2006, and 2007. With SoundScan sales of nearly 1,095,000 copies this year alone, Some Hearts is – 20 months after its release – the best-selling country album of 2007."