Britney Presents...Cool Robot Noises!

Britney Spears, Blackout (Jive) GRADE: C-

Blackout, Britney Spears' notorious new album, reminds me of one of those posthumous Tupac Shakur discs, the ones somehow released umpteen years after the rapper's death. The sales "line" was that 'Pac was a prolific craftsman and had recorded hours of extra tracks. But ultimately, his afterlife recordings sounded more like the essence of Tupac, wisps of the man patched together by big money producers.

The "essence of Britney" might work as a perfume, but her album ultimately plays like a bumptious con game. Much like Tupac, she is but a ghost in the machine, as hot knob-twiddlers such as Pharrell and Danja show up to make some hits -- perhaps while Brit-Brit was off buying bad wigs or playing peek-a-boo with the paparazzi. The album often sounds like the sexiest game of Pong you could imagine.

I have no idea how involved Britney was with this project; we know she stayed still long enough to have her picture taken for the album cover and provide breathy spoken-word intros (that really sound like they were recorded over the phone). But the truth is, we have no idea how involved she was with ANY of her albums, right? When some of your "greatest" moments involved lip-syncing, all bets are off. With all apologies to Paris Hilton, Spears is the poster-child of our vapid celebrity-driven culture, a smoke-and-mirrors game in which fan manipulation isn't nearly as tricky as the stars think. But for all the bashing Britney et al. take, we still can't look away. So who's the bigger dopes?

It's no surprise that this is a party disc -- no one was expecting a Blood on the Tracks dissection of her lousy marriage to Kevin Federline or her suspect parenting skills that led to her kids being carted away. The album is empty of ideas but fat with big beats and swirling sound machines. Unlike the new album by Carrie Underwood, Brit's biggest rival for this week's No. 1 album spot, Blackout actually serves a funtion -- it's a loud, '80s-synthy, late-night dance disc. The best tracks include Heaven on Earth and Gimme More, pulsating songs that resonate below the belt.

On the polar sex party of Break the Ice, Britney announces, "It's been awhile. I really shouldn't have kept you waiting. But I'm here now." Well, that's debatable. But at least her hot producer friends showed up, and they show a lot more respect for us than she does.

Comments

[sarah]

How DARE you sully Dylan by mentioning his greatest album in an article about Britney Spears. Shame on you, Daly!

[Young Andrew]

Hard to disagree with your critique of Ms. Spears' latest, uh, effort. And while I will concede that newspapers were meant to attract readers in order to sell and make money for someone, did the world really need yet another review of this record? Particularly when there are no doubt dozens of recent releases by both indie and mainstream artists more deserving of ink? The new Blue Rodeo comes to mind. Heck, even assuming Britney's space was otherwise reserved for a review of disposable schlock, you could have gone with the re-issue of Dead or Alive's "Sophisticated Boom Boom" [with Bonus Tracks!]

Aside from being superfluous, how much effort does it take to dissect this drivel? Otherwise, spot on.

[Heather]

How can you possibly give this crap a C- but you gave Carrie Underwood's Carnival Ride a D?!?! I couldn't even listen to Britney's entire album. The beats were interesting, but as soon as she started "singing", I had to change to the next song. I can listen to Carrie over and over. AND, get this, CARRIE SINGS. I don't know what you call this garbage. Please reconsider Carrie's grade, and put it in perspective with this Britney disaster instead of Carrie's stratospheric first album.

[Vanessa]

For a supposed pop music critic, you sure don't know much about music, Sean.

Seriously - a better rating than Carrie?

Were you actually listening to Blackout when you wrote this "review" or simply drooling over more shots of her exiting a limo having forgotten some of her clothing?

[Sean Daly]

"Blackout" is the aural equivalent of a one-night stand. You’re gonna feel crummy in the morning — but at 2 a.m. in a cheeseball dance club, it’s gonna sound just right.

Underwood's album is a bore no matter when you listen to it.

[Vanessa]

Somehow I can't picture you at a cheeseball dance club at 2AM, Sean.

[Sean Daly]

What, you've never seen me working the spinning dance floor at Mannequins, Orlando's cheeseballiest nightclub?

My signature chunky-but-funky-white-guy move is the "flapping wings." Oh yeah. Let's take flight, ladies.

[Marissa]

I'm currently at a loss for words with that visual.
Sean, I'm sorry I called you shmarmy. I like this Brit-brit review. I promise, that's sincere.

[Sean Daly]

Thanks, Marissa. The Brit-Brit review that runs in tomorrow's paper is a bit naughtier. Though not as naughty as my wicked dance moves.

[Tonianne]

There is a time and place for disposable music such as Britney's. Whether it is 2am at a club, or 2 pm at the gym, Brit's style of thumpa-thumpa serves a purpose. Cicero she ain't, but who wants to dance or crank the elliptical trainer to something cerebral?

As for Carrie Underwood, for all I know she's heir to the deviled ham empire that Mason Reese shilled for back in the 70s. Never watched American Idol. Don't know her from Fantasia.

But "aural one night stand?" I am so stealing that.

[Don't Be Hate-in]

But really, how does this stack up against the rest of Britney's oeuvre?

I still can't get the guy at the dueling-piano bar to play "Oops, I Did It Again."

[Marissa]

I just read the review written for the paper (online) and I have one thing to ask: Do you keep a thesaurus next to you, or do those fancy-shmancy words just naturally roll off your tongue/fingers? Me likey either way.

[Sean Daly]

Ah, Marissa, you silver-tongued devil you. No thesaurus -- i just pluck those schmancy ones from the recesses of my enormous melonhead.

[Marissa]

There's a lot to be said for enormous melonheads

[Brad]

Get a room, you two!

[Marissa]

Brad, are you talking about a room with thick padding? accompanied with matching, super-smart white jackets?

[Brad]

Hey, whatever works for ya!