Factory of Living Fear (Thanks, Estelle)

So I took the Forever Fiancee and Kid Lulu to Zoo Boo Saturday night. That's the Lowry Park Zoo's nighttime attempt to keep up with Busch Garden's Howl-O-Scream. Tampa flips for Halloween; it's a major deal around here. So the zoo spent serious money on this sucker.

The grounds are lit up with horror, loudspeakers crank creepy carnival music, there's a midway overrun by maniacal clowns -- and a dude in a Michael Myers mask cut in front of me in the beer line.

They also have five haunted houses, the most notorious of which is the Factory of Living Fear, "a tour of an abandoned mannequin factory." Now listen, I don't even like mannequins in JC Penney. But really now, how scary could a zoo haunted house be? I couldn't leave without trying it.

With the FF and Lu taking a break, I lined up by my lonesome. Just before the factory doors opened, a gaggle of older ladies joined me. One of them looked like Estelle Getty. We were ushered inside.

Boom! Strobe lights are popping, fog machines are cranking, children are sobbing -- and creepy mannequins, hundreds of creepy mannequins, are everywhere. But every now and then, it's not a creepy mannequin. It's some angry kid unleashing his Clearasil angst, lurching from the strobey shadows. Making matters worse, this is the LONGEST haunted house in history.

So I literally grabbed Estelle Getty and used her as a shield. Am I proud of this? No. Was it effective? Absolutely. At one point, a trembling Estelle tried to bolt through an early exit. I was having none of that: "Hey! No way! Get back here!"

I then pushed Estelle through another door. Immediately, she was attacked by mannequins: "HELLLP!" Thankfully, I was safe.

God bless, Estelle. She actually apologized once we got outside: "Sorry I tripped up a bit there."

So as a bit of thanks, I'd like to send out a bouquet of songs to my protector. Herewith, "The Estelle Getty Protected Me From Creepy Mannequins Mix":

1) Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me -- U2
2) All Right -- Christopher Cross
3) Shelter From the Storm -- Bob Dylan
4) I Need You -- America
5) Hold Me Now -- the Thompson Twins
6) Into the Night -- B.B. King
7) Safety Dance -- Men Without Hats
8) Run Like Hell -- Pink Floyd
9) Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See -- Busta Rhymes
10) You're the First, the Last, My Everything -- Barry White

Comments

[Brad]

Oh, I don't know, how about...

THRILLER?

(Is it supposed to be that easy?)

[Sean Daly]

No, no, no. Dammit, Brad! This playlist was obviously about protection, about shelter, about finding comfort in the cuddly bosom of a Golden Girl.

Save "Thriller" for our Ultimate Halloween Mix entry coming up soon.

[Tonianne]

Me and My Old Lady - The Offspring
Someone To Watch Over Me - Ella Fitzgerald
Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones
No Letting Go - Wayne Wonder
You Really Got a Hold on Me - Smokey Robinson
Luck be a Lady - Frank Sinatra
I've Got a Woman - Ray Charles
I Don't Even Know Your Name - Alan Jackson
The Woman Before Me - Trisha Yearwood

[Sean Daly]

Now that's showing 'em, Tonianne. Wow, that just about blows my list out of the water. Well done.

[Tonianne]

...and in keeping w/the Golden Girls theme, Angela Lansbury and Bea Arthur's "Bosom Buddies," from Mame.

Because one can never have too much Bea Arthur.

[Guy]

Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites

[Brad]

Consider me duly chastised.

[Al]

"Feel Your Love Tonight" and "I'm the One" from Van Halen I.

Anything involving Diamond Dave doing barbershop is gold.

[Jenn]

Thanks for entertaining me as I sit through my 7 and 8 o'clock classes. I shared this with those sitting close enough and it was a great laugh! I love Estelle!