The Turnpike Takedown!
The Meadowlands Massacre!
The Garden State Grudge Match!
So the other day, my Arby's-scarfing '80s associate Steve Spears bellies up to my desk, points a hairy-knuckle in my maw and says: "Bon Jovi could kick Springsteen's faux-populist, saggy-Levis, prez-bashing butt! Bon Jovi is the true Garden State icon!" If I weren't in horrifically bloated shape, I would have vaulted gymnastically from my swirly seat, grabbed that sweaty blowhard by the lapels of his painfully snug Journey shirt and rebutted with fervor, froth and ferocity.
But alas, Steve and I get winded easily. So we've decided to settle Bruce vs. Bon Jovi in an old-fashioned Blog Battle. (Both acts are hitting Tampa Bay next spring. I'll be at both shows. Spears, on the other hand, will be home watching Meatballs 4 and crying himself to sleep.) Spears hates Springsteen, thinks he's a pinko phony with more money than sense. Me? I don't mind Bon Jovi at all. But I can't just sit here and take this crap about Bruce. After all, playin' blindman's bluff is a little baby's game. So if I must, I'm gonna go out and make that baby run. Or, um, something like that.
FOUR REASONS WHY SPRINGSTEEN IS THE ULTIMATE BLUE-COLLAR BARD
1. I could pull out the big guns, and talk about how I witnessed Bruce Springsteen buoy the spirits of 40,000 post-Katrina New Orleanians. And I could add that I've never seen a crowd of people -- tears streaming down their faces, hands in the air in swaying communal prayer -- respond to a performer with such a hungry, visceral voice. And I could conclude by mentioning the Crescent City woman who saw me and my reporter's notebook and grabbed my shoulders and sobbed, "Do you know what this means to us? Do you know what this means to our city?" But that would be unfair. Especially since I saw Bon Jovi in concert once, and the most memorable moment was the girl barfing in front of me.
2. So I'm walking around the neighborhood, cranking my iPod, which is on SHUFFLE mode. I'm pissed off about everything in my life being broken, when all of a sudden, I get two Bruce songs in a row. Weird, right? How often does that happen on shuffle? The songs are -- get this -- I'm Goin' Down and Pay Me My Money Down. That second number, which turns into a rowdy Basin Street stomp, manages to put a darkly comic spin on my financial woes. And for that, I was thankful. But still kinda pissed.
3. Jon Bon Jovi is a good-looking dude. There, I said it. It's out there. A great deal of Jon's appeal is that he could bed any man or woman in the Tri-State area. Sure, he can write a hook and growl a chorus and pretend to play a guitar. But it all starts with his looks -- which makes sense seeing as how he started in the '80s. Right hair, right time. As for Springsteen, well, he ain't exactly Clooney. In fact, he's starting to morph into Dylan, the rock version of growing hair in your ears. Bruce has had to conquer the world on sheer talent and mystique alone. Give him the awesome power of feathered locks and a cute face, and Springsteen would have knocked GW off the $1 bill.
So there, that oughta do it. Spears is no doubt slobbering about Bon Jovi over on his site. You can read all that claptrap right here. Not that it's gonna matter. Springsteen vs. Bon Jovi. I think we all know how this is gonna end.
If you date a Brit-pop fan, and have zero idea what to get them for the holidays, here ya go, the gift that keeps on giving. A bloody brill 4CD box set from those cheeky blokes at Rhino Records. Retails for around $52. The evolution of the Brit-pop movement (at least from '84 to '99), well worth the cash.
Sean Daly is the pop music critic for the St. Petersburg Times. His CD collection -- from Journey to Dylan, Prince to U2, Public Enemy to Stan Getz -- is much bigger and better than yours.
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