Merry Awkward Christmas

Did anyone see "Christmas in Washington" on TNT last night?

I only caught the end, when they made American Idol siren Kat McPhee sing RIGHT AFTER superhuman Andrea Bocelli. I mean, who did she peeve off, right? Did a disgruntled wardrobe stylist play switcherooni on the lineup? Did she slice Kat's iron Spanx down the bank and pelt freshwater pearls onstage? Hmm… maybe I’m thinking of Showgirls. But there are two bigger problems here.

Problem one: DR. PHIL’S TEETH

They looked like a row of unchewed Chiclets. A beacon of hope for those without electricity. Star of wonder, start of night! Star with royal beauty bright!  I can’t prove anything, but it looks like he “GOT REAL” about his dental situation and popped into the ZOOM chair pre-show. Come on, Phil baby. Fess up. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.

Problem two: The FREAKING WEIRD LINEUP

- Andrea Bocelli
- Katharine McPhee
- Vanessa “Naked is Nice” Hudgens
- Alan Jackson (who not only towers above everyone at 6-foot-one trillion, he also wears SPARKLES! You know. To blend in.)
- Colbie Caillat
- Ne-Yo
- Dr. Phil and wifey
- President Bush and wifey

It’s like… 10th grade economics class, There’s a big mock stock purchasing project, and the students all HATE each other. So, the perky first-year teacher, in effort to forge world peace among sophomores, assembles really random work groups.

Alan props his BeDazzled boots on the desk. Vanessa giggles and plays with Alan’s saffron curls, while a jealous Zac Efron peers over from his own exiled group. Katharine puts on glitter lip gloss for the 12th time this hour. Colbie, who wears no shoes, plays "You Were Meant For Me" on acoustic guitar. And Ne-Yo, who has had enough, because NO ONE is purchasing stocks, just walks out.  Also, there’s a children’s choir.

Merry Christmas from Washington, folks. You all still hate each other.