Yule Log Madness (The Playlist!!!)

Keep it together, Daly. Don’t let the log win. Just hang in there...

When you stare into a yule log, the yule log stares back at you. Especially when said log is crackling maniacally on a Sony 46-inch high-def TV squatting majestically in your living room.

Tampa Bay's Bay News 9 is once again televising four consecutive hours of its notably dormant yule log on Christmas Eve. From 8 to midnight, this made-for-TV timber will be prime time entertainment for thousands of people who will watch it and watch it and watch it burn...and then be carted off to padded rooms.

I recently tuned in to this seemingly benign piece of wood on Bright House Network’s free “on demand” channel. (Indeed, you can watch the yule log whenever you want on Ch. 340.) In fact, I gawked for one straight hour. Just stared right into it.

For me, the madness descended almost immediately.

The initial scene is of a posh suburban fireplace. Very nice, very Westchase. There are a Christmas tree and presents on the left. Five stockings hang from the mantel. Bing Crosby croons in the background. And of course there's that ominous log ablaze in the hearth. You are instantly seduced by its mighty power — especially if you have an enormous TV that your fiancee hates.

You’re watching...you’re watching...you’re getting lightheaded...you’re drooling a little...and then your mind starts to go:

Wait a minute, you think. Where is everybody? Why is there a roaring fire in a million-dollar home and no one’s around? And why isn’t there a screen in front of the fireplace? Could these people be more careless? What if they have a cat? What if kitty gets curious? Stay away from the light, Whiskers!

I wonder what’s in those presents. I bet it’s something naughty, something from Frederick’s of Hollywood. C’mon, let’s look! We won’t get caught. It’s just us and Whiskers. The cat won’t rat!

I feel like a burglar. It feels a little wrong. Like I’m an intruder, a thief, a criminal. I wouldn’t be able to handle jail. I’m soft, cute, chubby. I’ve seen Caged Heat. They’d eat me alive in the pokey.

That's when the yule-log scene shifts to a closeup of the fire, which is now roaring like an outtake from The Towering Inferno. The Christmas music has become intense; it’s that fiendish, crescendoing Carol of the Bells, which always reminds me of The Exorcist. The yule log is playing serious mind games now.

Look at those sparks! Duck and cover, Whiskers, duck and cover! The log is raging like a Roman candle. I know what’s going on here. It’s angry! It’s furious! The log knows its time is up! Hahahaha! You’ll never win yule log! I AM THE LOG KING!

And just like that, the hour is up.

I’m not sure what happened during my psychic staring contest with the yule log. But I quickly wrote down a musical playlist to chronicle the events. When you visit the log, you best have the following songs handy, just to be on the safe side.

So Merry Christmas, everybody...and respect the log!

The Yule Log Playlist
1. The Christmas Song, Mel Torme
2. Big Log, Robert Plant
3. Rockin' the Suburbs, Ben Folds
4. Blaze It, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
5. Disco Inferno, the Trammps
6. Tubular Bells, Mike Oldfield
7. Losing It, Rush
8. Where Is My Mind, the Pixies
9. Go Insane, Lindsey Buckingham
10. Changing Channels, Jimmy Buffett

Comments

[Marissa]

SEAN! This is brilliant. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Carol of the Bells (Mannheim Steamroller version) sounds like Tubular Bells.

Crazy ~ Gnarls Barkley
Crazy ~ Seal
They're Coming to Take me away ~ Dr. Demento
I'm on Fire ~ Bruce Springsteen
We Didn't Start the Fire ~ Billy Joel
Cracklin' Rosie ~ Neil Diamond
Burning Down the House ~ Talking Heads
Out of My Mind ~ James Blunt
The Roof is on Fire ~ Rockmaster Scott and the Dynamic Three
Hot in Herre ~ Nelly

[Marissa]

Put another log on the Fire ~ Tompall and the Glaser Bros.
Some Like it Hot ~ Power Station
Hot, Hot, Hot ~ Buster Poindexter
Smoke Gets in your Eyes ~ The Platters
Burnin' for You ~ Blue Oyster Cult
We Be Burnin' ~ Sean Paul
Gonna MAke you Sweat ~ C&C Music Factory

[Mike in Austin]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year brother!

All the love

[Al]

@$%^&*^%$#@! Marissa!

I LOVE "We Didn't Start The Fire!" But you beat me to it. Happy Christmas!

[Al]

Dean Martin - "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm"

Dean-o Again - "Hey Brother, Pour the Wine"

[Bassnote]

The Fire Still Burns - Russ Ballard
The Flame - Cheap Trick
The Heat Is On - Glen Frey
Hot Hot Hot - Buster Poindexter
Fire - Arthur Baker
Burnin' Love - Elvis Presley
Sweat - Oingo Boingo
Burn You Up, Burn You Down - Peter Gabriel
Burn - The Cure
Fire In The Twilight - Wang Chung
Fire - Bruce Springsteen

[Erin]

We just knocked on your door to deliver some cookies and got no answer...your car is there so you must be home lost in your TV...you're like the little girl from Poltergiest.

Snap out of it Sean!

[Jude]

Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
and we could write a new one:
Whiskers on a Hot Tin Roof.
Funny column!

[Jude]

Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
and we could write a new one:
Whiskers on a Hot Tin Roof.
Funny column!

[Sean Daly]

I'm gonna try to sneak Whiskers into every story I write in 2008. She was my ferocious calico growing up. Helluva cat.

[chipper]

My holiday-eve drinkin' buds and I actually played Crazy World Of Arthur Brown's "Fire" (one of the most demented one-hit wonders, ever) to Ch. 9's Yule Log a few years back. The experience, as they say, was religious.

[Colette]

Sean, Mr. B and I loved the playlist (we're watching the log tonight), but missed "Fire" by, respectively, the mad Arthur Brown, Jimi Hendrix and Bruuuuuuce.

[Colette]

Sean, Mr. B and I loved the playlist (we're watching the log tonight), but missed "Fire" by, respectively, the mad Arthur Brown, Jimi Hendrix and Bruuuuuuce.

[Jimmie Vestal]

I e-mailed BayNews9 to see if it was possibe to download a 5-minute video version of the 4-hour burning log extravaganza .

Perhaps someone here could help by uploading your short clip of it to SAVE FILE, where I could download it.