And So It Begins...
Be honest: Who else felt that curious blend of nausea and excitement when they heard the wangy "American Idol" theme after seven long months away? Why, I felt just like a kid on Christmas morning -- who finds Simon Cowell and his man-booby T-shirt under the tree.
Anyway...here are a few white-hot talking points for the opening night of Season 7. Make sure all your comments count, 'cause we only have the next 20 weeks to talk about this stuff:
-- What's up with Randy Jackson's lamb chops? Dude, if you were playing third base for the 1975 Reds, that would be one thing. But really now, shave those suckers off.
-- I'm not sure if she'll make the Top 24, but I liked Melanie Nyema, Taylor Hicks' backsup singer. She reminded me of Alicia Keys' not-as-pretty sister, the one I would date when Alicia laughed in my face when I asked her out for prom. Melanie would feel bad for me...and totally fall into my seductive trap.
--Oh, c'mon, like you didn't squirt a few for Temptress and her mom?
-- When Simon compared glittery ruffian Alexis Cohen to Willem Dafoe, truer words have never been uttered.
-- You're gonna see Kristy Lee Cook in the Top 24...and then probably in Playboy.
-- "Obviously I'm a big Star Wars fan. DUH!"
Sean Daly is the pop music critic for the St. Petersburg Times. His CD collection -- from Journey to Dylan, Prince to U2, Public Enemy to Stan Getz -- is much bigger and better than yours.
The crazy Star Wars fan looked so much like Jorja Fox former "Sarah Sidle" on CSI: Vegas. ACK! POOOOOOO
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:05 PM
Am I alone up in heah?
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:06 PM
It'd be silly to read too much into the first show of the season, but....the producers seem to be shying away from the endless onslaught of people who suck on purpose. Again, we have miles to go before we sleep, but I thought it was a pretty entertaining two hours.
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:07 PM
Wow, did they screw over Star Wars girl or what? Running her sad, bitter commentary -- all the while pushing their agenda of a more diverse crowd of contestants. C'mon, does she get no credit for doing a mean wookiee?
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:10 PM
Sean! The only thing that I love more than a Florida Gator reference or an '80s Boston Celtics reference is a mid-'70s Reds reference -- but I think Randy's 'burns are more George Foster (LF) than Pete Rose (3B)
The guy who got waxed totally missed an opportunity by not yelling out "Kelly Clarkson" whilst having his chest hair removed.
Best line: from Uka the Bee-Gee-lovin' Egyptian: "I want to love a girl from her hair to her nipple."
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:10 PM
She was mighty fine with the wookie impression. If one knows they are a dork, why would one push it to the limits by dressing up as if they are going to one of those sci-fi conventions?
Hey! Do you think Spears would get waxed for the sake of making it BIG or performing for Paula?
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Jane! You are spot on with the waxing/kelly reference. Dang it! I should have thought of that. I'm off my game.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:13 PM
I can already see the vocal acrobats warming up for Hollywooooooooooood. ACK! I'm scared. Someone hold me.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:14 PM
Dang, you beat me to the punchline about Spears. "Next, on a very special Stuck in the '80s, Steve gets the full-body waxing he's always dreamed about."
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:17 PM
Sean, where there's body hair, there will be Spears.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:18 PM
Oh, I want to mention something totally off topic. I got brand new spectacles today. I'm glad I get a freebie pair yearly. I NEVER would spend this much on something that sits on my face.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:19 PM
Ummm...yeah, I'm not touching that one, Marissa.
Now, back to Sean's family-friendly blog!
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:23 PM
Bleah. I'll be good.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:25 PM
Did anyone else think about Glitter-freak and her living arrangements? She lives in a studio apartment with her mom, a dog, 2 cats and sleeps on the couch. I'm thinking there's good reason she seemed a little stir crazy. "I'm going for actressing."
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:28 PM
Oh! Liked Angela Martin -- the woman with the special needs daughter. I was so afraid she was going to pull a Temptress, but she turned out to have a pretty good, albeit affected, voice.
And the dude at the end with the cheekbones and almond-shaped eyes... I was also glad he could sing. Simply because he'll be on my TV screen again.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:29 PM
I kept thinking Terrence Trent D'Arby with him, Jane.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:31 PM
The most disturbing thing about Glitter-freak was that furious tongue waggle she did. It reminded me of the landlady in "Kingpin." Terrifying.
That said, she thought she was good. Somehow, delusion makes the bad auditions more palatable.
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:31 PM
Oh the horror of the "Kingpin" lady. ACK! You're so right, though. Everything about that girl was disturbing.
How about the Stephen Lynch wannabe who proclaimed his desires to 'alk' Paula in many fashions?
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:33 PM
There could be a great plotline with the final girl, the goodie-goodie who's never seen an R-rated movie. Her corruption and metamorphosis into a Hollywood tramp would be a ratings bonanza. Seriously, her inevitable sex tape is gonna be awesome.
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:33 PM
Hey! This is a family-friendly blog, sir.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:35 PM
The Paula Stalker guy is why I'm glad I have a DVR and watched this on a slight delay. I just hit that FF button right over him.
Glitter's hair is cleaner than that of the Kingpin landlady. That's all I have to say about that.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:36 PM
I meant "awesome" as a cautionary tale, a warning to young impressionable minds that there's nothing sexy about a camcorder and a room at Econo Lodge.
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:37 PM
I realize it's still very early in the game, but Simon resisted himself tonight. With the teeny exception of what appeared to be him picking his nose. Perhaps he was just plugging his nose post Glitter gal and her odiferous patchouli.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:37 PM
...but at a Hilton Resort? That's a different story.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:38 PM
Oh yeah -- there was also some guy who looked like he could be Marc Anthony's younger brother -- same cadaverous look. We'll see him in Hollywood, I do believe.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:40 PM
I really ought to take notes.
The guy early on who does the tours of Philly. They laughed hysterically at him. I thought he might be swallowing his tongue.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:42 PM
I'm thinking more Red Roof Inn than Econo Lodge, actually.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:42 PM
LOL I almost responded with Red Roof Inn. I went for the Priceline Negotiator and upgraded to a Hilton Suite
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:43 PM
Yellow Suit Tour Guide did have a weird tongue, Marissa. It really looked like it kept rolling back into his mouth.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:43 PM
Yeah, but he had a rockin' tricorn hat at work.
I love that word: "tricorn."
(Jeez, I need sleep. I'm working on four hours after that Chris Brown debacle last night.)
Posted by: Sean Daly | January 15, 2008 at 10:46 PM
I do have to give Glitter props on her song choice -- Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love" is my dream karaoke song. LOVE!
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:47 PM
Wow, you mean it isn't "Wings beneath my wings?"
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:48 PM
or the WIND beneath my wings lol
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:49 PM
So, Sean. Serious question here. When it gets down to the final 10, do you breakdown the performances and give your take?
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:51 PM
I tend to drink A LOT when I karaoke and if there ever comes a point when I get drunk enough to contemplate singing "Wing/Wind Beneath My Wings", it's probably time for someone to take me home.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:51 PM
I have only done the karaoke thing with family in the privacy of a backyard or family room. My sister actually owns one of those machines.
I sing, but I find it hard to karaoke. Alcohol might help.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 10:54 PM
Actually, I've also only done the karaoke thing with private parties -- we'll find a joint with a private karaoke room and rent it just for ourselves. But, damn, is it fun.
Alcohol helps tremendously, by the way.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 10:57 PM
I think our charming, delightful and very tired host has departed.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 11:04 PM
I don't blame him. This will all be here in the 'morrow.
As will another two-hour audition extravaganza, if I'm not mistaken.
Posted by: jane | January 15, 2008 at 11:07 PM
I was just reading your latest post. I've decided I will live vicariously through your monthly Girls Night Out
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 11:14 PM
Until the morn, I bid Pop-Life goodnight.
Tomorrow, I view with notepad in hand.
Posted by: Marissa | January 15, 2008 at 11:26 PM
I was so hoping Temptress could sing. When it was revealed she couldn't, I had to leave the room. The Paula stalker made my wife change the channel.
Posted by: Bassnote | January 15, 2008 at 11:32 PM
Ah, Miss Riss, I'm glad you liked my tale of debauchery. You shall be with us in spirit the next time we go out.
Posted by: jane | January 16, 2008 at 06:42 AM
Arg, I had to work a "parents night" at school last night and finished AI on my DVR around midnight so I missed out on the fresh outta AI blogging. I totally agree with Jane that Randy is channelling George Foster's muttonchops. While those are rather freaky, I love the goatee that he's working. (But I'm a sucker for goatees, so my opinion isn't all that reliable.) The highlight for me was Star Wars girl....I could have watched the "I'm going for actressing" meltdown over and over. Tonight I'll get to watch it as it happens, see y'all back here when it's over. Hopefully there won't be any waxing tonight. ....shudder!
Posted by: Sherrie | January 16, 2008 at 07:21 AM
Would anyone care to watch the auditions if all they let through to the judges were the normal, relatively talented people?
Every year Simon seems disgusted that the hairy, slave Princess Leias get through. However, they seem to be making it through in record numbers.
I personally enjoy how producers get contestants sing a particular song so they can make a montage of horrific singing. yeah! That's what it's really all about.
Posted by: Marissa | January 16, 2008 at 07:36 AM
Two more comments before I head to work- I loved how the Dreamgirls song "And I Tell You I am Not Going" was modified by Temptress to "I Ain't Goin' Nowhere". And didn't the the waxing fella seem a bit too excited about essentially having been forced to endure torture by Paula? Just watch, he'll come out as some kind of dom/sub dungeon master. (And didn't he look like a slimmer version of director Kevin Smith?)
Posted by: Sherrie | January 16, 2008 at 07:41 AM
LOL Sherrie. Good point. One thing is for certain: We're in for a real treat tonight. Texas~ where bigger is better!
I also wanted to note that the 3 I liked and remember most weren't actually from Philly. I'd name names, but I didn't take notes.
Cute horse girl was from Oregon
Sweet wedding singer with a daughter from Chicago
Terrence Trent D'Arby cute guy from Delaware
Posted by: Marissa | January 16, 2008 at 07:52 AM
Paula is trashed again!!!!!!!!!!!
She can't keep her head up!
Posted by: Dasher | January 29, 2008 at 08:29 PM