Bashing Lindsay (I'm So Proud)
When I was at that journo conference in S.C. a few weeks ago, I had the chance to judge a criticism contest. The original assignment was to critique my keynote address earlier in the day. But because I'm fragile, I couldn't take the ridicule. So I told the students to tee off on (or praise) any subject they like, and I'd help them through the process. That class was the highlight of my trip.
The following slam is from my buddy Meg, a wise-cracking high-schooler who was having a hard time with a music review. So I told her to scrap that. Who does she despise in pop culture, I asked? Who drives her crazy? Meg cranked out the following in mere minutes...
She's only 21 years old, and already she's been in rehab more times than I can count. Her clothes look like rags, her teeth are the same color as butter, she can’t sing worth shit, and yet the whole world is obsessed with her.
What is wrong with Lindsay Lohan?
What is wrong with society?
Lohan does not even wear underwear for God's sake. Even Paris Hilton bashes Lohan publicly; that’s got to say something, right? I had to laugh when Brandon Davis announced that Lohan was a "firecrotch" to the press while Hilton sat next to him laughing so hard she was crying. Lohan got what she deserved when she went commando and let the world see “Little Lindsay” for themselves.
I don’t understand why young girls find Lohan so entertaining. Is it really trendy to be a slut these days and sleep around every two weeks?
Also, I have never seen one picture of her where she looks halfway decent and healthy. Her hair is not brushed, her makeup is always smudged, she looks high off of something, and most of the time it looks like she’s been homeless for about two months.
After being on probation for DUI and having an alcohol monitor attached to your ankle 24/7, wouldn’t you be smart enough not to go to a club and drink all night? Lohan wasn’t, hence her stay at rehab for probably the fourth time last year.
She’s also supposedly an amazing actress, but out of the six movies that I’ve seen her in, I’ve only liked two. She was a disaster, not to mention annoying, in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, but I think that’s only because she was basically playing herself in the movie (slutty girl with no work ethic who blames her behavior on her father.)
She uses her father’s scandal as an excuse for her wild behavior, but I think we all know she had it in her as soon as she turned 15. It’s sad to me though, because she was a really cute little girl in The Parent Trap, and now she’s just another anorexic-looking millionaire.
The thing that disappoints me the most is that her sister made a statement to the press saying that she wanted to be exactly like Lindsay when she got older. I don’t think I could handle another one, but maybe Ally Lohan will have enough sense to wear panties when she ventures out in public.
Sean Daly is the pop music critic for the St. Petersburg Times. His CD collection -- from Journey to Dylan, Prince to U2, Public Enemy to Stan Getz -- is much bigger and better than yours.
Sometimes I look at the youth of today, catch a frightening peek into the future, and go home and cry into a really big Jack and Coke. This young lady's take on Lohan, et al. gives me hope. Here's to you, Meg - a flickering candle in the post-modern darkness.
Posted by: NickWithAnAxe | March 21, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Meg, you give me hope for the future. At least some young people have sense.
Posted by: Bassnote | March 21, 2008 at 12:38 PM
An English professor of mine used to constant hammer home a particular point with me: write with passion.
Meg's got that concept down beautifully. Love this piece -- and agree with it completely.
Meg -- you rock.
Posted by: jane | March 21, 2008 at 03:25 PM
Correction: that should be "constantly" in the previous post. Darn Friday afternoon lazy fingers...
PS: Meg. Still rocks.
Posted by: jane | March 21, 2008 at 03:26 PM
Writing from the heart. What a concept! Well done, Meg. Say what you mean; mean what you say. What's even better is saying it in a manner that everyone can understand and relate.
YAY!
Posted by: Marissa | March 21, 2008 at 07:21 PM
That's a fine piece of spleen-venting, Meg! ("Teeth the color of butter"; that goes into the snark-bank for later)
As you get older I think you'll find your amazing ability to articulate your frustrations to be a valuable life-skill.
The world tries to pile a lot of crap onto all of us, but the secret isn't dodging crap...
...it's knowing how to shovel.
Posted by: Jeff in Cuba | March 21, 2008 at 08:04 PM
Has Meg not heard Lindsey's definitive version of "I Want You to Want Me"?
No...wait...yep, Meg's right. Lindsey sucks.
Posted by: DG | March 22, 2008 at 04:18 PM
Meg, I thought of you and this excellent piece this morning as I was privy to a conversation between two 11-year-old boys about The Parent Trap. While they both agreed that they liked the Lindsey version better than the original (the fact that they even knew about the Hayley Mills' version pleasantly surprised me) they both felt that she had gotten "skanky." Their word, not mine.
Posted by: jane | March 23, 2008 at 02:37 PM
Did they say skanky in a good way or a cootie sort of way?
Posted by: sparky | March 24, 2008 at 09:06 AM
HA! 'Twas definitely in a cootie sort of way. Give them about a year, though, and I think they'll have a completely different opinion of "skanky."
Posted by: jane | March 24, 2008 at 09:40 AM
Isn't the 2000's definition of skanky the 1980's definition of easy?
Posted by: sparky | March 24, 2008 at 09:42 AM
I believe the 2000's skanky is a little dirtier and nastier than the 1980's easy. Skanky = hooer-esque.
This chica's opinion: skanky girls are usually easy but easy girls aren't necessarily skanky.
Posted by: jane | March 24, 2008 at 09:58 AM
I hear that a girl is "Easy," I think "like Sunday morning"...
I may have a Commodores complex.
Posted by: DG | March 24, 2008 at 01:06 PM