IDOL RECAP: I Woulda Rocked 1970

Herewith, Tuesday's Top 10 American Idolists, performing a song from the year they were born. (If that had been me, I woulda rocked your worlds with Cracklin' Rosie by Mr. Neil Diamond. Can you handle my hot August nights? I don't think so, ladies. I do not think so.)

RAMIELE MALUBAY, 1987, Alone -- So Ramiele used to bite as a kid, huh? I never would have guessed that, 'cause I've only seen her suck. (Oh, c'mon. Let a man warm up, okay?)

JASON CASTRO, 1987, Fragile -- Not even his blinky moonpie face will save him from that whispery mess of Sting. And why does he keep picking songs with foreign words? And why is Paula dressed for a dinner-theater production of Breakfast at Tiffany's?

SYESHA MERCADO, 1987, If I Were Your Woman -- Seriously, the baby cry? That's gotta stop. 'Cause Syesha is hot, and she can sing, and she finally caught hold of her first good performance. But that horrific baby impression is rendering me dead below the waist.

CHIKEZIE, 1985, If Only for One Night -- Boxcar Chikezie bails on the hootenanny and hits us with some Luther. It was sexy, smooth and, most importantly, it didn't include a hillbilly harmonica breakdown. Not bad at all. He should be fine.

BROOKE WHITE, 1983, Every Breath You Take -- Ooh, the false start. Very uncomfortable. Plus she's in freakin' barefeet again, which makes me want to protect my TV with Dr. Scholl's. But here's the thing: She's gonna score with that sucker 'cause it was a decent performance of a monster hit.

MICHAEL JOHNS, 1978, We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions -- I'm really starting to root for this guy, and not because we're twins. He's slightly goofy, a bit of an underdog and he has King Kong's cojones, reaching for Freddie Mercury whenever he can. First Bohemian Rhapsody, now this. Well done, mate. Well done.

CARLY SMITHSON, 1983, Total Eclipse of the Heart -- I believe Carly Smithson. I do. And I think in a goofy, totally earnest way, she connects with what she's singing. Not a splendid performance tonight, but she's the real deal. And no, I am not saying this because her husband terrifies me.

DAVID ARCHULETA, 1990, You're the Voice -- First of all, it's good to see Rosie Perez getting work again, even if it is as David Archuleta's mother. Simon sez: "Theme-park performance." Couldn't snark it better myself. This kid's polish is washing off. Sorry, gang.

KRISTY LEE COOK, 1984, God Bless the U.S.A. -- Wow, that might be the most strategically brilliant move in Idol history!!! Instead of video flames, SHE GOT A VIDEO FLAG!!! That's hilarious. Even the crusty British dude didn't mess with the red, white and blue. Girlfriend is crafffffty.

DAVID COOK, 1982, Billie Jean -- Okay, am I the only one getting tired of him Nickelbacking the classics? First Lionel Richie, then the Beatles, now this. I know a lot of you loved it. And Cook does have extremely large huevos. But it was kinda "Weird Al" Yankovicky for me. "Oooh, look how he's screwing with that part." I couldn't accept it as anything other than performance art.

See you for tomorrow night's shocker! Archuleta gets the boot!   

Comments

[Marissa]

Sean, you slay me with your 'Cracklin' Rosie' bit. Ok, now i have to read the rest of your recap. Well, once I stop giggling.

[Marissa]

Omg! Sean! You and Roo ARE nearly twins. Thank you for pointing that out.

[jane]

Handle your hot August nights? Only if they come with air conditioning and room service, baby. We are in Florida, after all.

BTW, lots of cojones and huevos on the stage tonight, eh?

I think it's a little early for Archuleta to leave us. Yet. I'm thinking it's time for the Good Ship Shorty Spice to set sail. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

[r2cents]

I'm with Jane on "Good Ship Shorty Spice." And with Sean: I can't hear that baby cry again. I can't.

[Marissa]

Shorty needs to bid farewell and spare my cat from exploding again next week.

[giant head]

UGH!!! I think this show has satanic undertones that suck me right in!!! I hate watching it every week, yet I can't tear myself away.

Damn you, Kristy, for going the gimmick route. Does not voting for you mean I'm not proud to be an American? I'm not falling for your trick.

I'm with you, SD... Syesha has GOT TO STOP the baby cry thing. ewww... and yes, Archuleta IS wearing thin.

Tonight's show made me feel icky all over. I need a shower.

I'm thinking it might be the end for Carly???

[Sean Daly]

Giant Head calling for Carly's ouster? Bite your giant tongue.

[Marissa]

Bottom three?
Ramiele -- bad and shrill
Syesha -- too much too late
Carly -- Unnecessary shouting

I'd love to see Kristy on the bottom (of my Dr. Martens); however, I believe she has a stay of execution with that over the top ploy. Argh!

I'm always wrong, though.

[Bassnote]

I think Jason Castro and his one-trick pony act may get the boot.

[JB]

Sean, get a clue, you are just bummed out that your Rocker Chick got booted. Jason goes and you need more work as a music critic..

dont worry you are still young enough to learn

[Spears]

Singing patriotic songs in public concerts was really big once before. I can't remember when. Oh yeah, that's right. Germany in the mid 1930s.

[jane]

...and there goes my chai all over the keyboard. So wrong, but yet so right, Mr. Spears.

[Marissa]

OHHHHH! Steve, you are a feisty one this morning.

[chaps]

Actually, Daly, I had you pegged for "Make It With You" by Bread or "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath.

Interesting night last night--thank God the Beatle's crap is over. I agree that David Cook has huge ones and he would be the only American Idol I ever buy music from. He out-"Cornelled" Chris Cornell's version of "Billie Jean", which is good.

Archuleta is the most overrated singer ever. He could crap on stage and two of the three judges would love it--and the fans would scream for more.

Ramiel and Chikezie bored me to tears,Syesha is like nails on a chalkboard, Castro is a puss, Carly disappointed, Brooke was pretty good, Kristy Lee and her nine lives will survive again. My man, Michael, was great (he should sing Queen all the time), but David Cook is the one to beat (even though he's creepy).

[sparky]

Good morning all. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was combing through my back copies of Weekly World News looking for David Cook's baby picture. I finally found it right next to the picture of Bat Boy.

[Marissa]

Good morning, Sparky. I'm so delighted to know you wake up just as snarky as you are in the evening.
I posted his baby picture on the snark-fest thread last night.

[sparky]

I'm never at my snarkiest until that 2nd pot of coffee and my bowl of Quaker Oatmeal.

[DoctorDrew]

Not sure why I got flagged but I don't have time to go through my whole piece again. Maybe it will post later.

Bottom 3 -
Ramiele - (America does not care if you are sick)
Boxcar C - ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Carly - Awful song. Only sung on big Idol before by those sterling vocalists J Sierra and N McKibben. 'Nuf said.

Boxcar rides the rails back to hoboville.

p.s. - ONLY his family could think Cook was a cute baby

[jane]

sparky! I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News. Did you know that it has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world? As well as plenty of facts.

[sparky]

Jane, I don't know why you would be shocked that I know about WWN. I am a well read individual. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

[jane]

Psssst... sparky... that was me whipping out a riff on a "So I Married an Axe Murderer" quote.

Which obviously wasn't as witty as I imagined it would be.

Sorry Jane. Not much of a movie watcher. Now if it were Rock of Love, Scott Baio 45 and Single, Flavor of Love or AI then we're talking.

I like my tv like I like my cars, fast and loose.

[DoctorDrew]

Perhaps if you had referred to it as "The Paper" we would have caught your reference jane. I missed it the first time as well, even though I know The Colonel puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smarta$$!

[DoctorDrew]

And just to bring it full circle and back on topic, as for David Cook, Look at the size of that boy's heed. I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick. Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. Has it's own weather system. I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offsides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

[matt]

I don't know why you always think Ramiele will be in the bottom 3. She's never even been in the bottom 3 in case you didn't notice. She's got a strong voice and she's cute. My prediction for bottom 3:
Kristy Lee Cook - survived too long already and can't be saved by the patriot card she played.
Carly Smithson - corny song choice, could have done a Journey song from that year.
Jason Castro - just awful, surviving on his dreads.

[jane]

I know -- I realized I'd left out the "the paper" reference right as I hit send. Darn the fact that there's no edit function here. Thanks for making me feel better, DoctorDrew, with the Heed riff.

I hate being off my game with this sort of thing, especially when it comes to my fave movie quotes.

[MickinSoCal]

When I saw Kristy pull out 'Proud to be an American' I thoght, now that's brilliant! Clearly Karl Rove is in her ear! But that card has now been played, and we know who gets the boot next week!

As for this week; it's gotta be Ramiele. So screamy!