QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: '80s Night Shakedown

Great chunks of my '80s youth were spent contemplating the logistics of Captain Lou Albano's rubberband beard. Great chunks of my '00s have been spent watching "American Idol." Great chunks of my '10s will no doubt be spent sobbing and trying to build a time machine to correct my wasted life.

Here's what happened on Tuesday's "AI" men's showdown...

LUKE MENARD -- Wow, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" straight outta the chute. Kmart Orlando Bloom didn't even ease into the '80s with a little Kajagoogoo or Lisa Lisa. This guy stinks, but he's got chutzpah.

DAVID ARCHULETA -- If Archuleta weren't asexual like the common earthworm, that story about his mom woulda scored him tons of chicks. In related news, "Another Day in Paradise" is a lousy Phil Collins song, but he'll survive.

DANNY "TMTH" NORIEGA -- "Tainted Love"! Awesome choice. On the strength of his purple highlights alone, the Red Roof Inn in Reno, Nevada, immediately started building the Danny Noriega Experience.

DAVID HERNANDEZ -- First of all, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" is hardly an '80s song. However, if I try hard enough, I'm pretty sure I can shoehorn that into a male-stripper joke.

MICHAEL JOHNS -- Way to embrace the '80s, dude. Nicely done. Plus it was good to see someone other than Mandisa sweat profusely on "Idol." Speaking of perspiration, Steve Spears and I went to a buffet today. Instead of a waiter coming to the table, they sent a towel boy. Thank you and goodnight!

DAVID COOK -- He needed his mighty axe to play...Lionel Richie's "Hello"? Oh well, at the very least, he totally has the blind sculptor vote all wrapped up.

JASON CASTRO -- Wow, "Hallelujah." That's a monster. I dunno if he was "absolutely brilliant," but the Jack Johnson clone deserves to make the final 12.

CHIKEZIE -- Duuude, James Ingram was sitting there, waiting to be immortalized by your golden tones. But you go out of your way to rework a crummy Whitney track? Nice knowing ya, buddy.

Comments

[Marissa]

Thanks for not dissing 'Roo. I didn't think he was as bad as SOME people who shall remain nameless suggested.
I rather enjoyed it.

I might very well have to agree with you on your quickie recap.

Chikezie really needed to kick some butt tonight, and he brought out the proverbial leisure suit again. Bland!

I like David ARchuleta. No secret there. I agree he should have selected another song, but I believe he's safe.

[Jeff in Cuba]

It looks like I'm going to have to take your word for it, SD.

I was hoping to catch tonight's show tomorrow evening, but I've got Cub Scouts, so I'm going to miss it.

I should be back in time to not watch the girls, but still snark about them anyway.

[Bassnote]

Sean, if you are praising Danny Montana, you REALLY must be sleep deprived because of the baby.

[Marissa]

Bassnote, it was weird. If you didn't watch it, it wasn't gruesomely bad. I turned away. seriously, I can't watch Danny perform.

[Bassnote]

I saw it. See my post in LIVE IDOL! Mugshots, Male Strippers, Etc. It made me ill.

[Bassnote]

By the way, I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah right now. Pure awesomeness.

[Marissa]

Agreed, Bassnote. I downloaded JBs version last night after hearing young Jason sing it. I had the Rufus Wainwright cover.
Now I'm going to see your comment on Danny.

[DoctorDrew]

Sorry, connot watch Idol live. I am there but just cannot stand the drivel and need to FF throught the badness.

LUKE MENARD -- Don't ever do that again. Should have picked an Erasure song "Break These Chains" Easily voted off. As my wife said, "Sorry, you're no Ace or Constantine."

DAVID ARCHULETA -- I'm sorry but all Phil Collins songs are sucktastic and should be removed from the musical lexicon. He's through.

DANNY NORIEGA -- Absolutely thought it was brutal. But he's got the WFTW crowd behind him.

DAVID HERNANDEZ -- Are you sure that was a booger and not some other bodily discharge? What a way to fight back against the outing -- I'll sing a song forever identified with Celine Dion. What, couldn't find any Streisand? Or Midler? Nothing from "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" (I know 1995) Needs to leave, but will probably stay because Idol is afraid of the backlash and will make it so.

MICHAEL JOHNS -- Needed to do INXS. Absolutely no reason not to. He is Michael Hutchins when he holds that microphone. Otherwise, I didn't love it, but it did make me think of the breakfast club. "You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library"

DAVID COOK -- Umm, actually liked it. Any time you can take a song that is as god-awful as Hello and make it sound OK, you get to stay.

JASON CASTRO -- Huge song, big risk. "loved it." Everytime Simon says that I think of Hannibal, "Oh, and Senator, just one more thing: love your suit!

CHIKEZIE -- Good call on Ingram, but he would have messed it up by choosing "Somewhere Out There" I like him better than the pole dancing guy, but he's probably #2 to go.

That's what I thought.

[Marissa]

Dayum, Dr. Drew. Well done!

I'm holding firm that Luke (duh) and David H. are hitting the bricks. Seriously, we need one less David in this contest. Jeez! For his lameness, Chikezie might get a scare.

As much as I don't want to start liking him, David "Skullet" Cook is winning me over.

[DoctorDrew]

Thanks Riss,

I've been reading for quite a while. All you guys crack me up, but since I am always at least 30 mins behind (putting kids to bed, getting my second drink started, etc) on TiVO it is impossible to comment live.

[r2cents]

I watched, and I enjoyed your comments, but I found it extremely difficult to communicate after Luke’s flash and bang grenade of an opener.

[Marissa]

Just wait for tonight with Amanda and the Fembots. Hey, wait a minute! I just developed a new girl group. Simon! I own this one, dude!

r2cents, your wit and snark was truly missed last night. Come join the fun tonight, please.

[sparky]

Sorry I missed the fun too, but I was doing grownup stuff last night. Fighting with utility companies over rate hikes isn't as much fun as watching Idol. But the bastards are trying to cut into my Funyun budget.

[Marissa]

Sparky! I knew someone else was missing. Even if you don't comment frequently, you throw out jabs that make me choke on my BBQ soy chips.

[sparky]

So tell me why Danny Noriega keeps steering the car away from the Elton John Expressway. We know he wants to get on the HOV Lane. He could of done "I'm Still Standing" and mocked us all that he is still in this thing.

[Marissa]

Danny wants to pretend he's down and dirty by taking a Marilyn Manson-ISH approach to an 80s standard.
He knows we all KNOW he's that chicken in rooster feathers.

[sparky]

And Marilyn Manson is his manly role model? Brings about more questions.

So far the way this season of AI is going, it brings about one of my grandmother's famous sayings. No matter how much you try to polish a turd it still stinks.

[DoctorDrew]

sparky,
what are you talking about? "this is the most talented group of contestants ever."

Arrggghhh. Oh, sir, it was Khan! We picked him up on Ceti Alpha Five... He put... creatures... in our bodies... to control our minds. He made us... say lies... do things. He thought he controlled us, but he did not. The Captain was strong.

[Bassnote]

LOL DoctorDrew!

[chokmo]

Apparently "vote for the worst" is keeping Danny on the show. I have a hard time watching him perform. Love David A. though.