IDOL RECAP: We're 98% Boob-Joke Free!

On Tuesday, the final nine contestants on American Idol pretended they weren't unnerved by mentor Dolly Parton's facial reconstruction. They also covered a slew of her classics, many of which she penned, most of which are brilliant. So how did the kids do? Let's find out...

BROOKE WHITE, Jolene -- It's nice to see Brooke wearing shoes again. After last week's show, my TV caught a brutal case of athlete's foot....Jolene is such a good song, Sylvester Stallone could cover it and make me weep. It sucks to go first, but Hippie Girl will be fine.

DAVID COOK, Little Sparrow -- No more Skullet?! I miss the old 'do. Plus Dolly thinks he's arrogant, which speaks volumes. But hey, DC finally performs his own "arrangement," and I dug it.

RAMIELE MALUBAY, Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? -- Well, well, well, the Jawa finally uncorks a decent performance. Couple that with her blood contract with Mephistopheles, and Malubay just might make it another week. Pick her to leave at your own risk.

JASON CASTRO, Travelin' Thru -- Kmart Jack Johnson could be screwed big time, and not just in a good way. Sure, the babes dig him, but take it from me, being a devastating chick magnet is a gift and a curse. As for the song? Not good. There's Uh-Oh #1.

CARLY SMITHSON, Here You Come Again -- One of my favorite Dolly tunes. The live version was good, but I have a feeling the produced version on iTunes will sound even better. I also thought she looked kinda sexy. That snaggletooth thing is really starting to work for me.

DAVID ARCHULETA, Smoky Mountain Memories -- Whoa, Dolly's voracious bosom almost swallowed the kid whole! That woulda been awesome. Although I love to mock Archuleta, he nailed that sucker. Although didn't the song sound a lot like Desperado?

KRISTY LEE COOK, Coat of Many Colors -- Just when I thought it was safe to put away the Desenex... Eeek!!! KLC's bare feet weren't the only corny things onstage. That performance was about as genuine as her disco-ball eyeshadow. There's Uh-Oh #2.

SYESHA MERCADO, I Will Always Love You -- Syesha swapped in million-dollar notes for 99-cent letdowns. I kept waiting for her to go for it...and she never did. There's Uh-Oh #3.

MICHAEL JOHNS, It's All Wrong, But It's All Right -- Is he wearing an ascot? Wow, this guy just keeps getting goofier...and I love it! Cool blue-eyed-soul thing going on with that song. Very smooth. He's starting to heat up. I might have to fight Marissa for the Aussie hunk after all.

Comments

[Erin]

I can actually hear your grouchiness Sean. Hang in there with your sweet, little girl.

How old is Dolly these days and how do I get those legs when I'm that old....or now for that matter?

Enjoy the show tonight.

[D]

She's 62. (!)
Her legs go all the way up to Canada.

Sean, I hope your mini-Linda Blair starts feeling better & day brightens up. Maybe David Cook's voice will crack right in the middle of a (rather telling) dirgelike metal version of "Jolene" and you'll be vindicated.

Optimism.

[Bassnote]

I'll be out of the house tonight, so I'll be missing all the offensive fun. Throw some really nasty remarks at Ramiele for me.

[RP]

Go immediately to your local pharmacy (CVS, Walgreens or Albertsons) & ask for FlorAstor Kids. Disolve it in liquid (non-carbonated) & have her drink it. It will calm your precious Lulu's tummy toute suite. Although tonight's Idol might make her volcanic again! It got us thru our last eruptions!

[jane]

Aw, poor Miss Lu. Tummy troubles are not fun for anyone -- vomit-er nor caregiver.

Here's hoping La Parton will bring some Smokey Mountain Sunshine tonight to improve everyone's mood.

[PH Mom]

That stomach flu is bad. It went through our whole house Easter weekend. I recommend ice chips. It's the only thing my family could hold down. Water was not good. Once you get the ice chips OK then try 1 teaspoon of sprite or gatorade per 15 mins.
Good Luck.
P.S. After hearing them do Dollywood we'll be voting them all off.

[mrstreme]

I think Ramiele is going to go for "I Will Always Love You" - and dedicate it to her BFF Danny.

Sean - Sorry to hear about the sick one. Emetrol usually works on my kids when the pukes hit. It's an OTC liquid medicine. Good luck!

[sparky]

Ok Snarks and Snarkettes heres the playlist for tonight.

I doubt I will be as snarky as usual since I am limited in my knowledge of Dolly. But with any luck Dolly will suffocate some of them under her bosoms and we won't have to here the screaching.

[sparky]

Forgot the playlist.

David Pimpchuleta - "Appalachian Memories"
Syesha Mercado - "I Will Always Love You"
Carly Smithson - "Here You Come Again"
Kristy Lee Cook - "Coat of Many Colors"
Ramiele Malubay - "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind"
Michael Johns - "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right"
Jason Castro - "Travelin' Thru"
Brooke White - "Jolene"
David Cook - "Little Sparrow"

[Sean Daly]

Thanks for the barfy remedies, gang. People think we're all snark, no heart on this blog. But let it be known we watch out for our own.

Seven minutes 'til showtime.

Anybody see a rundown of the songs?

[Sean Daly]

Good stuff, Sparky. Thanks.

[sparky]

Would I let down my favorite critic?

[Kate]

Hello! Delurking tonight, it is time to set free my inner Snarkette. I'm Kate, one of Sean's partners-in-crime over in cubicle world. I hate sigh-yeeesh-a and I love David Cook, despite his son-of-an-alien skuill.

[sparky]

Where are the women tonight? I hope this doesn't turn into a sausage party.

[Kate]

My momma taught me to bring gifts to parties, so here's a playlist from EW:

David Cook: "You Know I Love You"
Kristy Lee Cook: "Two Doors Down"
Michael Johns: "Islands in the Stream"
Carly Smithson: "Jolene"
David Archuleta: "Travelin Thru"
Ramiele Malubay: "9 to 5 "
Brooke White: "Coat of Many Colors"
Syesha Mercado: "Eagle When She Flies"
Jason Castro: "I Will Always Love You"

[justme]

Hi all... my first time on this blog..
This should be REALLY interesting.
btw.. Female here Sparky

[sparky]

Nice to have you in Snarkland, Kate.

[jane]

I'm here, just on an iPod and unless my in-laws turn on the tv, I may have to snark after the fact.

[sparky]

Wow SD, our snark must be preceding ourselves. Lots of newbies. They must be coming for you smashing personality SD.

[Kate]

Thx Sparks. Ahhh think we should all speak Southern tonight. American Ahhdol.

[sparky]

Well Brooke is on geetar tonight so maybe she is wearing shoes.

[jane]

hi kate and just me -- welcome!

And hiya snarky sparky!

[sparky]

This is about as purty as a gal with a full set of teeth.

[justme]

Brooke & Jolene... I liked it.

[sparky]

hi Jane and justme, let the snark flow.

[justme]

Simone just cracks me up

[Kennedy]

There doing both kinds of music tonight...Country and Western!
Sorry, this sucks...I am about out of here

[sparky]

Is this the night that Rama-langa-ding-dong gets the Gong?

[Kate]

Simon just hates Brooke no matter what she does. Maybe she refused to go shoe shopping with him once.

[jane]

totally missed Brooke with jolene -- I'm thinking that's right in her wheelhouse.

[justme]

and what is so wrong with country Kennedy?

[sparky]

She doesn't wear shoes so that is probably the reason.

[Sean Daly]

Kate! One of us, one of us...

[Kennedy]

Anyone here that Pimpchuletta's dad has been acting out as a mega stage parent? I heard on the Stern show that Papa may be banned pretty soon if the behavior continues

[sparky]

I am waiting for the night that Larry the Cable Guy is celebrity host.

[Kate]

True, she doesn't wear shoes, but she carries them around a lot.

[justme]

Sparky that is funny.. but I have to agree with you..
Yeah I think country is up Brooke's alley.. hmm didn't think about the fact she must have turned him down for shoe shopping. Or maybe she did but she brought along her hubby..

[Kennedy]

Justme...its not a country issue, as much as I really don't want to hear 9 Dolly songs. I liked the birthday year stuff and the Beatles had enough variety

[sparky]

Maybe he will do this in his native language of Klingon.

[Kate]

Oooh oooohhh, there's my boy! I DC!!!

[justme]

Ack.. I don't think "Lil Sparrow" is gonna be good.. eek.. we shall see

[Kate]

Make that, I (heart) DC

[sparky]

I think DC does the comb over to hide the ridges on his forehead.

[jane]

Nice job so far by my AI boyfriend David cook. His own arrangement and everything.

[Kate]

Sparrow, adequate
Haircut, priceless

[Kate]

So Simon hates blackbirds but is OK with sparrows. Hmmm

[justme]

Oh Sparky.. here is your girl.. LMAO

[sparky]

JP get that gong ready...

[jane]

kate! Come here and sit by me on the David Cook love train... There's an open bar and everything!

[sparky]

I see Jamie Farr in the background. And here comes the Unknown Comic.

[Kate]

Wooo-hoo Jane! Poor me a margarita!

[sparky]

God I miss Mean Gene the Dancing Machine.

[jane]

Sparky look! It's gene gene the dancing machine, coming to take the stagecfrom shorty spice...

[sparky]

Time for some home brew for me.

[RP]

BLAH!!! Is she done yet?

[jane]

kate, I've just made a pitcher of agave margaritas... Pass your glass!

[Kennedy]

Rip Taylor? Pretty soon DC is going to need Rip's toupee

[Kate]

ooops I forgot maa southe'n acksent. Make that, Poah me a mint juuulip, please ma'ham.

[justme]

yum... passin ma glass over for some of them yummy margarita's.. no salt please..

[justme]

Kate.. this is the new south.. Margarita's fit right in.

[sparky]

Tried to go dry this week but Rama-langa-ding-gong pushed me to the bottle.

[jane]

no salt needed with the agave 'ritas...they are yummy and potent all on their own.

[sparky]

Ah my hoppy honey nectar is doing the trick.

[Kate]

The tension melts away but the projectile vomiting takes its place.

[sparky]

I wonder if any of the guys tried to cop a feel this week.

[justme]

My boy Jason is on...love those dreads..

[Kate]

If you botox this boy's eyebrows he couldn't sing a note. Bless his heart.

[sparky]

That's my girl Kate, we have corrupted another.

[jane]

I love travelin' through -- if it hadn't Been for three six mafia, she woulda won the oscar.

[sparky]

I actually liked it this week, but I still want to get the hedge clippers out.

[justme]

Geez Louise.. Simon is on a roll tonight.. He doesn't like anyone.

[Kate]

I actually like Jason, though he's a bit of a one-trick pony.

[sparky]

Well Carly Winehouse is pretty lame tonight.

[Kate]

Fall-in' a-sleep a-gain...

[sparky]

Why aren't they showing her husband, Mike Tyson.

[Kate]

Why would you smile, it's a sad song you cow!

[sparky]

I see Randy is wearing his Pandora manbeads again.

[Kate]

Sorry, Carly brings out the worst in me

[justme]

Oh gawd.. Kristy Lee.. how has she lasted so long?

[sparky]

I heard Kristy and Chachi and had to go get another nectar of the gods.

[sparky]

Kate did you call Paula a cow?

[Kate]

No, Carly. It burst out of my mouth when she said she remembered to smile. Then I remembered y'all can't see me so I typed it :)

[jane]

My favorite Dolly song is "here you come again." and Carly bleched it up.

[sparky]

Why do I feel like I should be in church when Chachi sings.

[jane]

Totally over Chachi. I don't care how good his voice is.

Although my MIL LOVED it. Which kinda sums it all up for me.

[sparky]

Whoever you called a bovine, I just want you to know I snorted home brewed beer through both nostrils.

[sparky]

So Jane you are saying that Chachi's demo is under 12 and over 55.

[justme]

OMG ! ! Simon liked a song.. I think I am gonna pass out.. I loved David's song tonight.

[sparky]

KLC is about as funny as a laughtrack.

[sparky]

LORD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

[Kate]

Thanks Sparky. My work here is done!

[justme]

Sparky.. that is not a visual I wanted to have this evening.. LMAO I guess its better then passing Cheerio's through the nostrils.. LOL

[Kate]

Why is she barefoot?

[Carla]

Is Kristy barefoot?? What's with these women spreading fungus all over the stage???

Jane, you have any of those margarita's left??

[sparky]

Because she is going for the West Virginia trailer park vote that she is trying to steal from Brooke.

[sparky]

It wasn't a full blown fountain more like a beer bubble.

[Carla]

LOL Sparky! You might even be able to insert "Tennessee" in that spot and it would work just as well!

[sparky]

Hey it worked for W why not try it. He choked on a pretzel and made everyone feel smart. She isn't wearing shoes and it makes them feel like an equal.

[sparky]

I guess she is going to do the Whitney version. With or without crack?

[justme]

Syesha... can I join lil LuLu and puke now?

[Kate]

Is she borrowing Brooke's Sunshine costume??

[Carla]

I was just going to say she's probably got the Whitney version in her head!

[justme]

ACK !! I need to use the GONG..

[jane]

I totally missed KLC because my MIL was looking at something on ebay she wanted me to see... which sadly was preferable to the KLC performance.

And yes, sparky, that's exactly what i was intimating about chachi's performance.

[justme]

If Simon likes this I will be having Shirez coming outta my nostrils.. YUCK

[Kate]

Ok. I liked "love." Didn't like "you."

[sparky]

I just realized that we are missing someone tonight. Where is Miss Ris?

[jane]

syesha got the plum song for the night -- she shouldn't have done this one, because of the inevitable whitney comparasons...

[Carla]

Riss probably had to work tonight... Riss, oh Riss are you out there?

[Kate]

So is the Blunder from Down Under going to Queen-fy his DOlly song?

[jane]

betcha Miss Riss drew the late shift at the shop tonight... here's hoping her Roo does a nice job so she'll have something to look forward to when she gets home tonight!

[sparky]

She got the plumb song and turned it into a prune.

[sparky]

Nice scarf roo. You're an Aussie not a Brit.

[jane]

What's with Michael Johns and his cravat? I kinda like it, actually. Very suave hep-cat cool... Tom Jones-ish.

And his singing's not too bad either.

[sparky]

Yes Simon because he didn't Freddie Mercury the performance.

[justme]

ok.. who should get the boot this week?

[jane]

OK -- my FIL switched the channel right as the judges were spewing their words... I'm thinking they should have liked Michael John's performance.

[Kate]

I am not a huge fan of his but he worked it out, dawg. And if this singing thang doesn't work out for him, he can also find work on The Young and the Restless.

[sparky]

Bottom 3
Rama Lama Ding Gong
Carly Winehouse Tyson
Kristy Lee Cook Queen of West Virginia

[justme]

Yes Jane.. even Simon liked it..

[jane]

justme, if there is any justice, the pointy-tipped cowboy boot shoud go to either shorty spice or KLJ.

[Kate]

My vote: Give the boot to the Ramen Noodle or maybe Travolta-in-Dreads.

[sparky]

Yes Kate he could be the next Dr. Noah Drake or better yet he could be Dr. Noah's son that he didn't know he had.

[justme]

I like Carly..I think Syesha needs to be on that list

[sparky]

Goodnight all, got to go get some wash done or go to work tomorrow in my socks and boxers.

[Kate]

All right all, I'm off. Thanks for the welcome. Sean, I hope Lulu feels better soon.

[jane]

sparky. that's hot.

[justme]

not sure if that is a good visual either Sparky.. LOL

[sparky]

Jane not hot. SD is a bronzed God in comparison. I am more like a bear that forgot to hibernate and continued to eat myself through winter. But I am working on it and should be back into my Speedo physique by the year 2010.

[jane]

that's even hotter, sparky. here's to speedos in '10.

[sparky]

SD maybe you can rock the ascot when you and Spears do your tour of the keys.

[sparky]

Believe me the socks and boxers wouldn't look like Tom Cruise, but more like a young Jack Klugman.

[Sean Daly]

Wow, nice chat, kids. Love having the new peeps to the party. (You rock, Kate!) I'll see everyone tomorrow.

[sparky]

Here is hoping that Lulu stops making like Vesuvius.

[Marissa]

Obviously the content of the post changed as I see nothing about Kid LuLu being sick. However, I feel for her. It's tough being little and having the icky sickies.

Sparky, thanks for noticing that I wasn't participating tonight. I did have to work.
Sean, I'd say we could share Michael Johns, but ummm -- could be creepy.

[USMC]

Why in the world do you people care about an "Idol"? Are you that bored with day-to-day living and did you actually succumb to the dumbing of America?

Please, go live in a cave with cable TV (digital preferred for next year!).

[Carl]

Has anyone else noticed that most songs Ram-it-tome sings the backup singers sing the entire song? Like last night. Lucikly cause her pitch is always way off. Check out her past performances on youtube.

[Marissa]

Carl, I watched all the performances on youtube last night. Yowza! Ramiele and Kristy make me believe I'm viewing a church sponsored talent show. eesh!

Stand outs for me last night: Michael, Carly, David Cook and David Archuleta.

Blandness du jour: Jason, Brooke and Syesha

Get off the stage you suck: Ramiele and Kristy

[Scott]

Ramiele or Kristy should go home.

Syesha will. Doing a Whitney Houston song is the kiss of death on AI.

[DoctorDrew]

From tmz.com for those who love dc:

"A.I" contestant David Cook was rushed to the hospital tonight after experiencing heart palpitations and high blood pressure, and released a few hours later. His condition is still not resolved.

As we first reported, Cook was not feeling well during the day and his condition worsened after his performance. Cook was examined by show medics who determined his blood pressure was "far too high." Cook was urged to leave for the hospital during the show, but he wanted to wait it out.

After the show, Cook was driven to the hospital (not by ambulance) and treated by a private doctor to keep everything on the down low. The doctor gave Cook medication to bring his blood pressure down and he will monitored again Tuesday.

An "A.I." exec tells us Cook has been completely stressed out because his brother, who has been sick with cancer, had a setback within the last week. Earlier in the season, just before a performance, David collapsed and said he could not go on -- though he pulled it together at the last minute.

[sparky]

Well Dr. that pretty much sux.

Here is hoping for a complete and speedy recovery for DC since he is one of the few with any sort of talent whatsoever.

[jane]

Holy crap, DoctorDrew -- that's awful and scary stuff. I had no idea that was going on. Here's to a safe and speedy recovery for DC -- and not simply because he's my fave.

[B]

Look back in your news files. The NY Times did an article on Dolly in the 70s...one of the very few where they didn't rip someone apart. She said then that if she didn't have the attributes she needed to succeed, she'd get them...and she did. She's far brighter and more nice and kind than most of us.