Mariah Carey's "E = MC2"

E = MC2 makes my head hurt.

Mariah Carey, the Long Island mall queen who's never met a note she couldn’t stretch into octave-spanning overkill, opens her new album with a flurry of particularly painful shrieks, a showoff moment that goes horribly, cat-exploding wrong.

I repeat: Ow.

What was she thinking? Or drinking? MC’s previous disc, 2005’s 10-million-selling smash The Emancipation of Mimi, had an unintentionally funny title, a self-indulgent nod to the singer’s flighty tabloid troubles. But the music within (including Grammy-winning ballad We Belong Together) was relatively smart — or relatively smart enough to help her over a midcareer slump.

E = MC2, Carey’s 11th studio album, which comes out next Tuesday, has a rather clever title, a wink-wink twist on the bombshell-with-a-brain mystique, a la Marilyn Monroe. But in this case, the music within turns out to be a lazy, generic mess, limp, brain-poking pop that makes the Einstein-inspired title even more of a ripe, red satirical target.

Of course, critics can snipe all they want. Synth-processed first single Touch My Body (LISTEN), a generic midtempo grind featuring the requisite T-Pain cameo, is already a No. 1 smash. The utterly forgettable come-on is Carey's 18th topper on the Billboard charts, moving her past Elvis’ tally of 17 No. 1 hits. The record is held by the Beatles, who had 20 No. 1s.

I repeat: I need an Advil.

Most of the 14 tracks here pass by in a forgettable cloud of cheap perfume and high arrogance, as the 38-year-old Carey grocery-lists her material likes and romantic dislikes over beats produced by such notables as Jermaine Dupri, Danja and Scott Storch. One minute she’s street, the next she’s sweet, a two-faced routine that irks aplenty. At one point, she even merges her personalities, turning the refrain from 2 Live Crew’s Me So Horny into a song about coital loyalty, I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time. Oof.

Strangely enough, it’s a bunch of Norwegian dudes who understand Mariah best. The Scandinavian production team of Stargate helms the album’s two best songs. (FYI: They also produced Beyonce’s Irreplaceable and Rihanna’s Unfaithful.) On the ’70s disco bumper I’m That Chick, with its not-so-subtle nod to Michael Jackson’s Rock With You, Carey catches an old school groove and gives a fun, booty-bouncing vocal. For better or worse, that one should get her even close to the Beatles’ record.

Much as she did on Emancipation, Carey fares best on the ballads, which let her ditch the gangsta-moll routine and slow-build her vocals with churchly grace. The album closes with two slow, solemn keepers: the eulogistic Bye Bye, in which Carey buttons up and pays respects to a loved one, and I Wish You Well, an inspirational song of forgiveness built via spare piano and gospel choir. It’s lovely.

So an otherwise dumb album ends with a curious twist: When she strips away the artifice, Carey sounds remarkably like Alicia Keys, like a singer who could blow up the Blue Note. And how about that? Could Carey’s most artistically gratifying days actually be ahead of her? Ugh. I’ll think about it tomorrow.

Comments

[Marissa]

Blech.

[mrstreme]

Double blech (if I may quote from you, Marissa).

I never got the Mariah fascination. I get better melodies from my cat when I pull his tail (not that I really pull his tail, you know what I mean....)

[Marissa]

You are free to quote me, mrstreme. I don't care how many octaves her range covers. A stand up comedian once compared her ear piercing-over-the-top shrieks to that of a dolphin mating call. Spot on if you ask me.

[Marissa]

Yuck! I just read that next week is Mariah week on Idol.

In an EW.com interview, Michael 'Roo' Johns stated that he was going to give a blues flavor to "Vision of Love." He then began a serenade with his interviewer and she hit the floor with a thud. Okay, I made up the hitting the floor bit.

[Bassnote]

Mariah Carey is useless. Put her, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilara, and all the othervocal gymnastic singers in front of a firing squad, and have them keep shooting until they have reloaded ten time. The world would be a much better place, and a little more bull@#&* free.

[Marissa]

But Bassnote, how do you really feel about their style?

[Bassnote]

Lol! Isn't that obvious?

Seriously, I can't stand Mariah and all the other multi-octave singers because if you asked them to sing a straight note, they couldn't. It takes more talent to hold one note, than to go up and down the scale with it.

[Marissa]

Bassnote, you and I are on the same page. My former vocal coach said that very thing many moons ago.

[Pete]

another reason why i knew the 1990s were gonna suck
Carrey,Spears,Vanilla ice..etc...SUCK SUCK SUCK

[I sense]

I sense alot of jealousy being posted.

Look a Mariah's #'s when it comes to selling cd's & see how it ranks vs. other artist. Some are so blind to talent, they wouldn't recognize it, if tripped over it.

[David]

She is so talented. Why does she waste that talent on this pop fluff? BORING.

If you're so concerned about her, stop reading pointless fluff about her and go elsewhere. Bye bye, you won't be missed.