LIVE IDOL! The Desecration of Mimi

With her new album hitting stores today, Mariah Carey will indulge in the ultimate promotional stunt by mentoring the remaining seven schlubs on tonight's American Idol. The great irony in this is that Mariah, more than any other artist, is responsible for the endless plague of octave-stretching, note-murdering amateur singers we get bombarded with year after year. In essence, she's taught young America how to properly butcher a song. Now she's in direct contact with her pupils. Oof. Tonight could be a caterwauling catastrophe.

As for my rooting interest, I just don't know anymore. I started with Amanda Overmyer-Daly. Then after she was wronged, I switched to Michael Johns. But in a big-time shockeroo, the Aussie hunk was unceremoniously adiosed last week. I picked Carly Smithson to win the whole shebang, but she's missing something, like a personality or proper orthodenture. Maybe I'll just hop in bed with Syesha.

The Pop Life Idol Chat & Lingerie Boutique opens at 7:45 p.m. The hourlong show kicks off at 8 p.m. I've been offered tickets to tonight's Yankees-Rays game, but I fear what Marissa would say about me if I accepted. In other words, I'm your faithful servant. See you tonight! 

Comments

[Bassnote]

"In essence, she's taught young America how to properly butcher a song. Now she's in direct contact with her pupils."

Perfectly stated Sean. I would rather hear a chorus of cats in heat, than listen to her or anyone else sing her songs. Thanks to the luck of my schedule, I will be out of the house tonight and tomorrow. I will not be setting my VCR to record either night. I'll just check the blog here to find out who was ousted.

[jane]

Dude! You passed up Yanks/Rays tix? That's dedication, man. I can smell the pre-game wings from Ferg's right now...

Here's hoping tonight's festivities will put the wreck in trainwreck to at least provide you with some compensation.

[sparky]

Wow and I'm going to miss it. Guess I will have to pop a tape in the old VCR tonight, NOT! How in The Hell is David Cook going to pull off a Mariah Carey song?

And does anybody else think that Ol' Al Einstein is twisting in the ground after he noticed his famous E=MC^2 on her album.

[Jeff in Cuba]

SD,

I'm pretty sure your house-arrest anklet is also playing into your decision to skip the ol' ballpark, but way to play it off as dedication to the job.

[NickWithAnAxe]

Ok...after several deep breaths I can continue....

You passed up Yankees/Rays tickets to watch "American Idol"? Are you serious? I think you're making that up to enhance your "props", because that is sheer lunacy.

As for Mariah? In my professional opinion, she's certifiably bat-**** crazy. As is Paula Abdul, now that I think about it. On paper it should be a (crazy) train wreck.

Still should've gone to the game, though.

[jane]

sparky! I am farklempt to learn of your snarky absence tonight. Mariah Nite just won't be the same.

[Marissa]

Sean, wow! Who knew I had the power.

Between the batsh*t craziness (to paraphrase Nick) of Paula and Mimi, this ought to be a trippy night. Mariah makes me nuts to HEAR her, but to watch that self-absorbed belief that she's THE diva to end all divas is almost too much to choke down. However, I'm armed and ready to handle it.

[Marissa]

From the song spoiler rumor mill yada blah blah:
Syesha Mercado -- "Vanishing"

David Cook -- "Always Be My Baby"

Carly Smithson -- "Without You"

Brooke White -- "Hero"

Jason Castro -- "I Don't Wanna Cry"

Kristy Lee Cook -- "Forever"

David Archuleta -- "When You Believe"

Michael Johns -- "Visions of Love"

[Don]

It's a safe bet that Michael Johns will not be singing VISIONS OF LOVE or any MC tune. Turns out the guy has good luck after all!

[Marissa]

Twist the knife in a little deeper, Seacrest!

[jane]

Wonder (hahahaha) if they'll give mention to the fact that "Without You" is a cover version and give props to Nilsson and Badfinger.

Nah. Probably not.

[Marissa]

Uh, is Davey wearing leather britches? Hands in the air. I just threw up a little. Jane? those drinks ready yet?

[jane]

Good lord, is Archuleta in leather pants?

That's just not right. No matter how you look at it.

[Marissa]

At least they aren't uber tight ones... ones I would have LOVED to see Roo wearing. Yeah, I'm bitter. I'm still fit to be tied. I'm still thinking this is all a surreal nightmare.

[jane]

Great (or lascivious) minds think alike, Miss Riss.

As for drinks, I'm mixing caipirinhas tonight, as soon as my simple syrup cools. Mmmmm...

[Marissa]

HOLY SH*T!!! Carly has on sleeves. Damn it! Everybody hide. The locusts are coming! Beware of frogs falling from the sky.

[jane]

There should be a law which states that no one under the age of 18 is allowed to wear leather pants. I'm writing my congressperson about this tomorrow.

[Marissa]

Ok, Domestic Goddess. What is in a caipirinhas? You're sounding like Nigella talking about simple syrup.

[jane]

Good grief -- did we just enter a PT Anderson movie?

[Jeff in Cuba]

Did my eyes decieve me, or was Carly wearing sleeves?

[jane]

Behold... the caipirinha:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caipirinha

[Sean Daly]

Looks like the Marissa & Jane show tonight. Like a sexy version of Waldorf & Stadler. Give 'em hell, ladies.

[Marissa]

Ooh, I think I could drink a gallon or so of that, Jane

HA! That's funny, Sean. It's time to start the music ...

[Marissa]

Uh, I'm no fashionista, but the dark hose just aren't working with the dress.

[jane]

I prefer to think we're the much sexier versions of Louella Parsons and Hedda Hopper...

[Marissa]

Bloody hell! That Simon is such a noodle.

[Marissa]

Sean, Jeff... cleavage report on Carly? Yeah, or Nay?

[Marissa]

OK, commercial break. I spent sunday afternoon with lesbians and my best friend who is a gay man. The music and company was great. I didn't get hit on, for the record.

[jane]

Was that Dennis from Head of the Class in the audience? He looks just the same as he did when he mouthed off to Howard Hesseman.

Fashion comment: Carly's hair looked gorge. Loved that dress. The black tights -- not so much.

And I keep expecting La Carey to dispense her musical advice with some foo-foo dog cradled in her arms, for some reason.

[Marissa]

Here's the beginning of the train wreck, I believe.

[Marissa]

I wish she would have vanished last week.

[jane]

I'm so not a La Carey fan that I'm listening to Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" here on the computer between dashes into the living room to watch the Trans-Mariah-ian Railway wreck.

It's improving my disposition tremendously.

[jane]

My stars, I can hear the caterwalling through my plaster walls. I'm not sure it's worth wandering into the other room for.

[Marissa]

Her dress was very gold. There. I said something positive.

[Marissa]

Sean, are you going to enter the Ashley Tisdale OMG! Contest to win a private concert?

[jane]

Is that Teri Hatcher sitting behind the judges' table? She's made more AI appearances this year than Constantine.

[Marissa]

Yep! That's her.

[Marissa]

Ok, the head throw backs aren't adding drama. Wake me when it's over.

[Marissa]

::yawn::

[Marissa]

Mariah must have blown out her own ear drums to have given that idiot kristy props.

[jane]

Do you think that Simon has The Great Big Book of Wacky Analogies on his bedside table that he refers to before each show.

A hamburger with just the bun and no meat?

I wonder if they serve that at the wedding receptions held in the cabaret on cruise ships.

[Marissa]

ha!

David Cook is wearing his Bennigan's Waiter uniform again. All he needs is more flair.

[Marissa]

I wonder if she'd given Simon chills he would have used the "double filet o'fish" analogy.

[Marissa]

So, he's taking a stalkers point of view of "Always be my Baby?"

[jane]

D. Cook had a look on his face that said "I can't believe I'm about to sing a frickin' Mariah Carey song but I have to smile and look invested in this damn thing so here it is."

This should be interesting.

[sparky]

So how bad was this disaster. DC is doing ok, better than I imagined actually.

[Marissa]

well, i can't say I'd buy it, but it's up there with Marty Casey's "Hit me baby one more time" from RockStar: INXS.

[Marissa]

SPARKY!!

[sparky]

Sorry I missed the snarkarama. A friend helped me move a couch after work. Had to feed him as payment.

[Marissa]

With Roo being ::sniff:: gone, if DC doesn't win this crap-tastic phenomenon I'll uhm, hmmm, uh ... I'll think of something I'll do if he doesn't win.

[Marissa]

Sparky, as you can see few people had interest in this evening. I was scheduled to work, but rearranged my shift to be here. I'm thinking I oughta stayed at work.

[jane]

SPARKY! MY MAN!

Sorry I was delayed -- had to reroll DC again while I swooned.

How awesome was that, I ask you?

J'adore utterly and completely. That was frickin' brilliant.

[sparky]

Heard that KLC is getting huge votes the last few weeks.

[Marissa]

Essentially I've been snarking to myself. With an occasional spurt from Jane.

[sparky]

Were is the uke?

[Marissa]

That would have been a hoot had he uked it through this song.

[jane]

I've already pre-ordered that off iTunes.

Sigh. And he looked hot to boot. That scruffy facial hair has got it goin' on.

[sparky]

I thought SD was going to host this party.

And where is my future Boss Jeff at?

[jane]

"That" being DC's song. In case you were confused.

[Marissa]

Well, that was quite a surprise for JC. He seemed uncomfortable on the stool. Like, he wanted to get up and move, but his a** wouldn't move.

[sparky]

I actually thought he was pretty good. I just didn't watch because those dreds just make me want to go get my cordless hedge trimmers out.

[Marissa]

My bitterness is tainting my ability to be unbiased tonight.

[Marissa]

Syesha, Brooke and Kristy. Bottom three. I'm stickin' to it.

[Jeff in Cuba]

I've been working (and lurking) on some other stuff, but it's safe to say this was the worst AI show I've ever endured.

And that's saying something.

[sparky]

Wow I am real glad I missed the first 7 singers. That was a really horrific recap except for DC and Blue Light.

[Marissa]

Jeez, even Mike's Hard didn't help me tonight.

[sparky]

What was hard on Mike?

[Jeff in Cuba]

Brooke and Kristy can go ahead and pick their stools now. Syesha and Carly can fight over the the third.

Only the boys are safe for tomorrow.

[Marissa]

I was dreaming of Roo when I typed that, obviously. Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade

[jane]

Save for my guy DC, it was a whole lotta Meh this evening. Jason was OK, but not fab.

One of the talking heads made the astute point that the guys had a better night than the girls. Which was to be expected -- no comparisons to the original.

Bottom three, as of right now:
Syesha, Carly, Brooke. KLC, for some odd reason, is like an antibiotic-resistant rash. She just ain't going away.

[Marissa]

Sean, I'm really sorry I made you feel so guilty about leaving me in the lurch last week that you passed on tickets to the Yankme's vs. Rays game.

[jane]

By the way -- I'm making it my personal mission to insure that no one in the SIT80s Vegas Crew, when getting his or her tattoo, does anything remotely akin to what Mr. (or Ms.) Carly has. Friends don't let friends tattoo their faces.

[Marissa]

I'm going to get a rose tattooed on my boob. As I get older and gravity takes hold, it'll become a long stem rose.

[Jeff in Cuba]

So I have my semi-annual Physical Readiness Test tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn.

Push-ups, sit-ups and a mile and a half run. For a score. And if your score's not enough, they'll kick you out of the Navy. It can be pretty brutal.

I can hardly wait!

[giant head]

I'm suing American Idol. This show was so boring that I passed out and hit my giant head on the coffee table on the way down.

[sparky]

So Jeff does it make you go faster if the put a few of the Middle Eastern guests behind you with AK's?

[Jeff in Cuba]

Sparky,

I get all the motivation I need from the young, flat-bellied officers who work for me looking over their shoulders to see if the old man is still hanging in there.

If I can get through a mile and a half in a little over 10 minutes I should be able to show my face in the office.

[sparky]

Knock 'em dead tomorrow, Jeff. Make them eat your dust.

[Eric Deggans]

seems to me that Idol's in search of a new rock god noww that Mikey's hit the bricks:

http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/04/american-idol-1.html