LIVE IDOL! Oh my stars, these people are boring!

ZZZZZZZ...

Hmm? Oh, hi.  Just nodded off thinking about American Idol's "top" four. Lemme just grab a Diet Coke and some electroshock panels, and we'll be in bidness.

By the way, this is Stephanie Hayes. Sean Daly is en route to one of two magical locations: The Radiohead concert in Tampa, or a convalescent facility.

See, everyone's fave Pop Life hero is having a rough time today. His hair looks bad (his words, not mine), he has residual Red Bull Myrtle Beach heartburn, and apparently, he consumed an entire tub of chicken salad at 1 a.m. after the Kanye show. No one should suffer that much Miracle Whip.

So let's give him some respite from the most boring bunch of singers ever in the world, shall we? Seriously, this is getting dreadful. Leading the pack, we've got two schlubs named David (pictured above) with the effervescence of a tablespoon of mayo. Times is hard.

Tonight, the Idols sing songs that shaped rock 'n roll, or something like that. If all goes well, Jason Castro will bite the head off a bat, sending Seacrest screaming like a little girl into the fan pit. But more likely, he'll sing Time in a Bottle and I'll die a little inside.

But forget them! Let's have fun chatting! The Pop Life Idol Chat and Chicken Salad Emporium opens around 8!

Comments

[Jeff in Cuba]

Steph,

It's opening night for youth baseball here in Cuba, and I'll be coaching the mighty GTMO Rockies over those pesky GTMO Cardinals tonight.

However, after hoisting a few celebratory Yoo-Hoo's with my team, I'll try to get in a little bit of snarking.

Go ahead and start without me.

[Stephanie Hayes]

I hope you can make it, Jeff! It won't be the same without your hi-larious turns of phrase!

[Forever Fiancee]

That's where my chicken salad went, dammit! I was looking forward to making a yummy sandwich for my brown bag today, but - alas - no chicken sald in the fridge this morning. I thought I was going a little crazy, but I should have known!

I think I might skip Idol tonight for three reasons: 1) If Sean's going to Radiohead I have no reason to watch it, 2) the top four are absolutely the most pitiful bunch of wanna-be entertainers and 3) I'd have more fun watching mold grow on the bread I was going to use for my chicken salad sandwich!

[Stephanie Hayes]

I totally understand, FF. I'm a big Idol fan, but holy moly, I just want to cry this season. Still, chatting could be a good opportunity for you to release (totally warranted) anger stemming from Chickensaladgate 2008.

[Marissa]

My 13 year old has promised to poke me with a stick if I start to fall asleep tonight. I have Diet Pepsi Max at the ready. Please tell me this isn't going to be dragged out into a 2 hr snooze-fest.

[Bassnote]

My softball team has its first game of the season tonight, so I will be sitting this chat out. I'm hoping for a better season than last year; we were 0-12.

[Stephanie Hayes]

You guys and your stickball. At least we can count on Marissa! And word on the street is that Spearsy might drop by for the debauchery, too.

[Marissa]

Say hooray for the gal with no life! Goooooooooooooo ME!!!!!!!!!!
I should note that I just jumped up and gave myself a high 5. Now, if that ain't pathetic I dunno what is.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Don't sweat it, girl. I'd rather be in front of the tube watching Idol than running around in the dirt any day.

[jane]

There are few things in life I love more than a good chicken salad -- so I feel your pain, FF.

And I'm facing a plethora of viewing options tonight -- this installment of Our National Trainwreck (good grief, when did it get so deadly dull... and I have a very high tolerance for reality cheeze, but this is dipping to new depths) and the first game of the Celtics/Cavaliers playoff set.

What to do, what to do...

[jane]

Well, this has piqued my interest a wee bit... le spoilers:

David Archuleta -- "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King and "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley (cover by Norah Jones)

David Cook -- "Baba O'Riley" by The Who and "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran

Jason Castro -- "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan and "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley (cover by Eric Clapton)

Syesha Mercado -- "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner and "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke

[Stephanie Hayes]

Jason Castro -- "Mr. Tambourine Man"

Kill me now!

[jane]

Seriously -- although I must admit I'm bemused by the thought of him covering Bob Marley.

I'm digging Cook's choices -- and couldn't care less about the others, honestly.

[Marissa]

It's about freakin' time Castro did something by someone who wore dreds. Steels drums would make it so much cooler.

[starfish]

dont worry all...im here tonight too! with no life as well apparently! ha ha. as much as this season of AI sucks, im still the one sitting in front of the tv watching it every week.

[Marissa]

yea! I just read on some Victor dude's blog (for comcast.net) that there's a chance Paula's blunder last week will help give Castro's placement a boost and possibly unseat a David. Uh, OK.

Also, that site that shall remain nameless but promotes who they feel is the least talented or most likely to irk viewers if they remain ::whew:: has named him their poster child now that Brooke is gone.

[starfish]

i think need to go make myself a stiff mango margarita to handle this show tonight. it could get pretty ugly.

Jane, I've always wondered: where do you get your scoop on the songs each week?

[Marissa]

TMZ, even though I'm not Jane lol They posted it.

[jane]

TMZ is one place that has them, plus I've got a couple of other joints I visit to get the scoop (idolforums.com being one.)

Often times hunting down the spoiler info is more fun and interesting than the show itself...

[Stephanie Hayes]

Ok, I missed my exit coming home from work, went all the way across a bridge and back over, then promptly burned dinner. I dyed my hair yesterday, and I think the bleach seeped into my brain. But no matter. I'm pajamified and ready to Idol!!

[Stephanie Hayes]

Ryan is looking freshly orange.

[Marissa]

Syesha and Paula must have called each other to match outfits

[jane]

If it's any consolation, Stephanie, I've done the same thing on that bridge before -- and there's no way to turn that mistake around until you get to the other side. I feel your pain.

PS: Never blame the hair color -- it is only there to help us, not hinder us...

[starfish]

wow, stephanie! i completely feel you! i couldnt get off at my exit off 75 today either so had to go up 6 miles to the other exit and then got lost trying to find my way thru the back roads home. and then i burned my sandwich i was cooking for dinner in the toaster oven! ha ha. and my roots are still orange from when i tried to dye my hair brown from blond 2 months ago. we have something in common! ha.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Wow, Starfish, no kidding! I just handed off dinner to the boyfriend and plopped down.

And thanks, Jane. The Howard Frankland is a son of a beyotch. There is just nooooo going back. You just have to find a good CD and suck it up.

[Marissa]

Uh, why isn't he working the crowd? What the hell?

[Spears]

Hungry like the wolf?

A crime against 80s humanity, David.

Is the band actually playing? I can't hear them.

[starfish]

ive so done that a few times on that bridge. iam a pro at figuring out how to get home from the st pete side of that bridge ha ha. yeah, unfortunately my boyfriend is in the military and not home for me to hand dinner off to, so i threw it away and made a smoothie for dinner..much easier and you cant burn it ha ha.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Just got back from our season-opening win and I'm treated to DC's DD.

Could be worse...

[Marissa]

That was boooooooooooooooring. Obviously, the theme of the night.

[starfish]

yeah i was kinda bored with that performance, definitely wasnt his best if you ask me.

[Marissa]

Oh Spearsy. I hope you're all right. If you need a shoulder I'm here for ya.

[Spears]

Somewhere, in between nauseating sets of electronica, Simon Le Bon is crying.

[Stephanie Hayes]

D-Cook sounded like a frat boy at karaoke after sixteen Pabst Blue Ribbons. And whats with his elfin boots? They are very loooong.

[jane]

A little lackluster, dude. Interesting choice that could have been made more interesting with a bit of energy in the performance.

[Stephanie Hayes]

OK, IMPORTANT QUESTION. Is that TIFFANY in that Meat Loaf cell phone commercial???

[Marissa]

I was too busy wondering why he didn't move much to notice his footwear. It's like he WANTS to be kicked off. hmmmm

[starfish]

who finds that stupid subway commercial as annoying as i find it???? i get that stupid song stuck in my head forever!

[Marissa]

YES, Stephanie, it is

[jane]

Pabst Blue Ribbon -- ouch. That's some painful stuff. The term we used in college was panther piss (can I say that here -- i guess we'll find out...)

Not that I'd know anything about that myself.

[Spears]

Yes, of course it is.

http://stereogum.com/archives/commercial-appeal/meat-loaf-and-tiffany-duet-for-atts-gophone_008951.html

[Jeff in Cuba]

Does it really matter what anyone sings tonight?

I haven't seen this much "going through the motions" since the Dolphins' season ended.

[Spears]

After seeing the Subway commercial, I now finally understand the hand signals that Daly gives me during podcasts.

And I thought he was talking about "the leviathon."

[Marissa]

Did you hear about the guy who had his coffin painted to look like a PBR can?

[jane]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the use of my fave guilty pleasure song being used to pimp cell phones -- by the original artist himself.

Although if Karla DeVito or Ellen Green had been in the Tiffany role, I might feel differently...

[Marissa]

I missed the Subway commercial.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Ohh, Tina. Kiss of Death. Like Mariah and Whitney. She's begging for comparisons.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Syesha wants to meet her fans on the tour.

Better reserve an extra booth at the Denny's

[Marissa]

She's more concerned about dance steps than actually sounding decent.

[Spears]

Her pre-song interview was sickening. Somebody please vote her off.

[starfish]

ha ha i did hear about that guy that got his coffin painted like a can of PBR..couldnt he choose a better beer then that??

[Spears]

Somebody put Syesha and Paula in a car and roll them into a lake.

[starfish]

she sounds like she is screaming when she is singing. it wasnt great, but it was tolerable, to an extent. simon was right, shreiky is right. btw, i have no idea how to spell shreiky, ha ha. i know thats not right.

[Marissa]

She's always looking around like she is trying to find the camera. Jeez.

Yeah, Simon is right.

[jane]

The fact that I'm more bothered by her wearing gold earrings with that silver sequined dress than her performance speaks volumes.

[jane]

starfish, I think it's shrieky... and I do believe we're going to need to use that adjective again when she sings song number two. Just a hunch...

[Jeff in Cuba]

Syesha was really grindin' out there.

Somewhere David Hernandez is furiously scribbling notes...

Excellent observation, Jane. Somewhere backstage, a stylist is cackling.

[starfish]

yes thats the right spelling! i had like a complete brain fart and couldnt think of that! thanks jane! hey, does anyone know where i can get a tmobile phone for cheap??? my phone is about to take a crap on me, even tho its only 6 months old.

[jane]

Aw, David Hernandez... our resident stripper. I'd almost forgotten about him.

[Marissa]

Duuuuuuuuude. Yeahhhhhh.

Jason only knew a few songs on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame list. That's unacceptable. He needs to venture out of his grass hut.

[Spears]

Goodbye Jason Castro.

If the interview didn't do it, then this song will.

He didn't shoot the sheriff. He shot himself.

[Marissa]

::snort::

yeah, that's for you, Strangey.

[starfish]

somebody get him off the stage. this is excruciating! geeze...did he think he sounded good on that?

[Jeff in Cuba]

Jason kills two rock legends in one horrific swipe. Eric Clapton wants to crawl into Bob Marlwy's grave so he can spin with him.

It takes more than the hair.

[jane]

Unacceptable indeed. And seriously -- if that is the case, dude -- don't openly admit that on national television. Smoke and mirrors...

[Stephanie Hayes]

That was SOOOOO BAD!!!

[Stephanie Hayes]

He'd get more votes on 4/20.

[jane]

BWAH -- good one, Stephanie.

[starfish]

i hope he doesnt butcher this, its my favorite song. i dont want to have to hate it now.

[Marissa]

oh jeez. Oh crap. Oh Lord. This gives me intestinal distress.

[Spears]

Archuleta, are you kidding me with that interview? What did they tell these four this week? "Act like a total idiot during your interview."

It's a plague. No, a curse! A curse.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Great Googley Moogley!

I don't mind Chachi's singing voice, but his gee-whiz, Tiger Beat interviews make my brain shrink.

I can feel it pulling away from my skull as I type...

[Stephanie Hayes]

Did he just insert a Sean Kingston line into "Stand By Me"? "All you beautiful girls?"

[starfish]

ok you guys can hate me for this, but i actually liked that. compared to the other three tonight that was much better.

[jane]

I believe that might be Archie's way of trying to make that song relevant to today... or perhaps I'm giving him too much credit.

[Marissa]

He DID, Stephanie. I'm not surprised, but whatever. He's a kid, but c'mon! The kid goes into an asthma attack every time.

[jane]

starfish, no H8rs here -- only good vibes. Even though I can't take Archie seriously. At. All.

[starfish]

yes stephanie he did...i just rewinded it on my tv to check. he did indeed. was that suppose to be there?? its not in the original is it?? unless im just that stupid ha ha

[Jeff in Cuba]

You too can give a perfect AI interview, just follow these 3 simple steps:

1. Introduce song.

2. Make self-effacing comment.

3. Hope for something.

It works like this:

"I'm going to sing 'The Humpty Song'. I sang it once at a family reunion and my Aunt Gertie really liked it. I hope the audience gets behind me."

[sparky]

In the immortal words of David Lee Roth "Did you miss me? I'm BAAACCKK!"

[jane]

SPARKY!!

Happy birthday, dude!

[Marissa]

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKY!

[Stephanie Hayes]

Hahaha. I love that you call him Archie, Jane. I have boxes of Archie collector comics in storage. I was (am) a total nerd.

[sparky]

Thanks everybody.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Sparks!

Run away!

It's too late for us, but save yourself!

[Marissa]

Ok, that v-neck red tshirt on his pasty white, hairless chest is creepy.

[jane]

Stephanie -- I knew I liked you. I LOVED Archie comics as a young lass. Would save my allowance to buy the latest digest edition at Publix. Always wanted to be Betty, even though she was a blond.

[sparky]

So did Castro toke up a big fatty before that performance.

[Marissa]

IS he falling asleep? Now is NOT the time to get EMO.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Sometimes D-Cook's smoldering stares call to mind a child molester.

[Marissa]

OK< I am going to just come out and say this. Bravely I will go where no one else dare to. That sucked monkey parts.

[sparky]

I've been watching but not snarking. It's been like a crack addict trying to quit cold turkey. Tried to stay away but needed the fix.

[Spears]

In related news, the rest of the Who just dropped dead of shame.

[Jeff in Cuba]

That's not "The Who", it's "The What The F***"

By the numbers (and not big numbers).

[Marissa]

Oh cripes sake. "watch your soul"? What the hell. I'm sorry. That was NOT justice to that song. I strongly disliked it. Arf!

[sparky]

Ris I actually liked it. But after Castro I would like a male version of a bikini wax too.

[Marissa]

OH egads. They are so desperate to make sure the Double D's get in the final that Archuleta could take a crap on Cook and they'd applaud.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Haha, Marissa, I almost died when she said "watch your soul." I think maybe now it's a fun game for Paula to combine words together into nonsensical phrases. Like spotting out of state license plates on a road trip!

[jane]

Dude. I'm let down. I really wanted that to be good. But it was so meh. And that session drummer. SO not Keith Moon.

The only thing that would have saved that -- a Townshend windmill move.

[Spears]

It wasn't THAT bad, but that's a hard song to abbreviate. And I'm betting hard cash that DC had some drama in his personal life that is making him so sedate. I'll bet they'll tell us tomorrow.

He just looks disconnected.

Wow. A serious comment. So un-spearsy.

[Marissa]

She has those refrigerator magnets that help her combine words and phrases for the show.

[Spears]

For those outside Tampa Bay, Fox just cut to a Syesha-Watching Party in downtown Sarasota.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Did she just compare her moment on American Idol to the Civil Rights Movement?

[sparky]

Kind of be tough to be Keith Moon, I hear he ain't keeping a beat a beat too well these days.

And as far as Paula goes, I think she is getting pretty close to tearing off her dress and just yelling "David take me, take me now!"

[Jeff in Cuba]

Nice dress.

Somewhere a stick of Land O' Lakes butter is missing an Indian.

[jane]

I'm now listening to the original -- and while Cook's wasn't awful, it was meh and lacking in something.

And Paula looks like she's dressed for a Solid Gold dancer reunion. So lame. (la-may -- too lazy to deal with accents.)

[starfish]

i know that DC's brother is pretty sick with some fierce form of cancer, so maybe its taking a toll on him and affecting his singing, since it is so unlike him to not be entertaining. she is shrieky again...i like that color of that dress tho! ha

[Marissa]

bwahahaha Jeff

[Spears]

Yeah, she did. (total silence followed by a blood-curdling scream in the night here in north St. Pete -- not to be confused with the blood-curdling scream she ended the song with.)

[jane]

Way to be literal, sparky. ;-)

[Jeff in Cuba]

Believe me, Toots...

Your change is coming, just not fast enough.

[Spears]

OK, I'm being told by my bosses to stop being earnest.

More fart jokes. Got it.

[jane]

Lots of grave rolling tonight -- Bob Marley, Keith Moon, Rosa Parks...

[sparky]

And who is the black dude on the panel. I think Randy just lost his bro card.

[Spears]

Crying? CRYING?

If she keeps this up, I'll need to buy a new TV tomorrow.

Oh yeah, almost forgot..

"PPPffffwwwwrt!"

[Marissa]

I dont' think Jason has EVER listened to one damn song ever produced.

[Stephanie Hayes]

OHHHHH!!!!!!!! He forget the words!!! He's sooooo done.

[sparky]

Castro better pull a tamborine out of his butt because he won't better the crying Indian.

[starfish]

her breakdown right now is something that i expected from brooke, not her.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Nah nah nah?

How hard to you have to work to be less intelligble than Bob Dylan!

[jane]

I do like her dress, though -- would be better in silver, but it's a great cut.

[Spears]

Bob Dylan never ended a song with a high note like that. Someone make sure Seacrest wasn't just grabbing Jason by the crotch.

[sparky]

I know Bob Dylan mumbles but I don't think it is as bad as Castro. What the heck!

[Marissa]

Brooke forgot the words TWICE and stopped the song. She hung on for a couple weeks.

HE is STONED! That's whats wrong

[Stephanie Hayes]

Wow, when Paula says, "it is what it is," you know you're effed.

[jane]

How do you blow the words to that... seriously.

[starfish]

wait...was he suppose to mumble like that or did he forget his words??? ive never heard the song before now so i have no idea.

[Marissa]

Jason is just not caring. It's quite humorous.

[jane]

She couldn't even muster up a "you look great" tonight comment. That is total effage.

[sparky]

He should have just lit up a fatty on stage because like Cheech & Chong he is up in smoke.

[Marissa]

He inhaled. That's how he botched the lyrics.

[Spears]

Dare i say ... "brain-fart?"

[Jeff in Cuba]

Sure he can't remember lyrics, but just think of all the tail he can get in every college dorm in America.

You tell me which skill set you'd prefer to have.

[jane]

I'm wondering if he just didn't kamikaze himself... or perhaps I'm giving him too much credit.

[Stephanie Hayes]

Ace Young on Bones! He's arrived.

[sparky]

Your right Jeff. I think he goes to Texas A&M, have you seen the gals that go to school there. I'm sure if Tri Delta has a social he will definitely be invited.

[jane]

Ace! Man, he was totally awful. Bones is a good career move for him.

[Stephanie Hayes]

The Davids swapped Soma pills right before showtime.

[sparky]

Chachi singing The King. Well at least he's doing royalty, should have went with a Queen though.

THIS IS BRUTAL

[Marissa]

Ouch! Ar-cha-chi ~

[sparky]

That was a total fart in a closet.

[Jeff in Cuba]

The way those backlights catch Chachi's huge lobes it looks like he's wearing Day-Glo earmuffs.

[jane]

Fart in a closet -- HA! I'm going to have to remember that gem.

[sparky]

It would be funny if they showed Castro mumbling his way through the lyrics in the recap.

[Stephanie Hayes]

I feel so empty inside after watching that. But you guys were totally fun!

[Marissa]

Well cats, I truly feel your souls and smell the colors of your snark. This has been truly painful.

[Jeff in Cuba]

I think the voting will come down to Syesha's dwindling fanbase against Jason's legions of moist-eyed teenage girls.

Oh yeah, and the six people who vote based on the performances.

[Marissa]

From now on I'm going to be posting comments totally made up by MadLibs. I am channeling Paula.

[jane]

Total anti-climax was that. Meh.

[starfish]

ok so that show just sucked tonight. now im on to watching a jerk cook yell at a bunch of ppl. which is much more entertaining then that was. its been fun yall!

[sparky]

Is Chachi the most boring human, I mean muppet ever to be on a live TV show. Have they not been giving this kid lessons on how to handle interviews. I keep waiting for the EMT to run out with the paddles to give his personalty a jolt.

[Marissa]

So, hey Sparky! Now that you're 40, do you notice any changes? Extra hairs growing from the nose, ears? The urge to buy a Corvette?

[jane]

And I'm off to watch the roundball game (which is closer than I'd like, actually...)

Go Celts!

[sparky]

Not 40 yet, 365 days from now I hit the 40's or as I will call them the EP version of the 30s.

As far as hair growing from spots they didn't before that happened soon after 30. As far as a vette, not much of a car guy. That is usually trying to make up for things and I don't think I have to make up for those things. And I married way over my head so we are definitely good there.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Gotta go cook something for tomorrow's "Teacher Appreciation Day" breakfast.

I'll check in tomorrow.

[Marissa]

Oh, you didn't hear? Once you're 39 you might as well just call yourself 40.

[Eric Deggans]

American Idol is now an endurance test -- for the singers as well as the viewers:

http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/05/its-official-am.html