1) Make bed 2) Win "Idol"

American Idol wannabes do not make their beds. Nor do they know how to operate a video camera or hang a picture on a bedroom wall. (Seriously, gang. It's called a level. $8.96 at Home Depot.) They do, however, have clean bathrooms, nice teeth and an abundance of potted ferns.

How do I know all of this? Because I have just experienced a great sociological enlightening, one that has led me to both wisdom and a giant bottle of Advil.

For the second year, I was a guest judge for "Tampa Bay Idol," WTVT-13's Idol-regulated search for Florida's best amateur crooners. This entailed holing up in a Fox boardroom, watching (but never laughing at, no, never, never) close to 100 homemade video auditions, then picking the 10 best to compete in a sing-off this Wednesday at Westfield Brandon.

The winner will jump the line and get an automatic tryout in front of American Idol officials in Jacksonville on Aug. 13. If they get through that process, they're going to Hollywood. Last year's "Tampa Bay Idol" champ was 25-year-old dental hygienist Emily Poe. She auditioned in Miami but failed to make the show.

The best part of "Tampa Bay Idol" is not scoping out hidden talent (and there was gobs of it), but spotting trends. For instance, if Tampa Bay sends a winner into Idol's Top 24, there's a good chance she will sing like Carrie Underwood, look like an MTV reality starlet and have no idea how to make her bed.

Really, people, I'm tired of gawking at your rumpled sheets.

"I want to tell these people, if you're taping (your audition) in your bedroom, make the bed!" said singer-songwriter Belinda Womack, a fellow judge. The other purveyors of talent, Fox's devastatingly handsome Charley Belcher and just-plain-studly country star Chad Brock, concurred.

Humble rocker David Cook won last season's show — and he and the rest of the Idol crew will play the St. Pete Times Forum on Aug. 21. But the local videos were dominated by young white women, many of whom will have great futures in Abercrombie & Fitch ads. Not a lot of men, not a lot of minorities.

Is pop culture so dominated by the female cast of The Hills, by Britneys and Lindsays, that the rest of us have given up on fame?

Per usual, there were more than a few unique auditions, people who felt their talent transcends normal social order. One guy warbled while cooking (well, burning) and having someone on his Bluetooth. A dentist performed in front of a wall of yellowed teeth moldings. A young girl sang in a car in her garage. Another performed seated at her work desk, with her face barely peeking over the camera line.

My favorite was the person who forgot to rewind the VHS tape. So we were treated to the auditioner's favorite exercise video, which consisted of a hot woman grinding in front of a battleship.

The audition music was surprisingly diverse — Gershwin, Barbra Streisand, the Allman Brothers — although I'll be fine if I never hear Chain of Fools or My Girl again. And let's go easy on At Last, too.

All in all, this year's crop of singers was better than last year's. We still heard too many Mariah-esque vocal runs, but there was also more soul, more genuine emotion on display. And as for deliberately bad people, we didn't have a single one.

As a result, Wednesday's live sing-off, which I'll also be judging, should be a good one. I think three of the contestants have a real shot at making the show. The whole thing's free, so come on down to Westfield Brandon at noon. The stage is in the mall, just outside of Dick's Sporting Goods.

Oh, and after the competition, if any of the contestants need help buying a level, I can do that, too. 'Cause, kids, Grandma's picture is seriously crooked.

Comments

[Marissa]

I'm colorful with my imagery if nothing else.

[Michelle]

"Jerk, fluff and flop?"
The visuals are overwhelming :)

[Old Fat Bald Chick Magnet]

Is one of the requirements singing ten notes when one would do? Or could you get to Jacksonville just by singing the notes on the page?

[CHAD]

i have always hated making my bed. i would beg my mom, why when im gonna mess it us again? well the first thing i did upon moving out, was never making my bed again. its a useless thing. at least to me, its one of the things your parents get you to do, and then go into another room, and laugh.

[Bassnote]

As far as I'm concerned, making your bed goes right along with all your other morning chores; take a shower, brush teeth, comb hair, etc.

[SM]

Ugh. I'm a big hater of the unmade bed. Marissa's right, it's not a difficult task. I would be mortified to have that in the background for all to see!!

It's kind of the same ick factor I have watching America's Funniest Videos with my daughter (8-year-olds who revel in physical humor must be the primary demographic of their audience!); I'm completely creeped out by the lack of housekeeping in the background of some videos.

Of course the yellow teeth background has about the same appeal. I'm suddenly picturing Matt Dillon's big, goofy teeth from Something About Mary. Just yellow-er. Could be a new Cold Play tune. Look at these teeth.. see how they molt for you...

[scooterbucs]

When one says, "jerk, fluff and flop," the word comforter does not come to mind. (Yes, I went there!) Enjoy the live judging, SD. Will it be streamed live again?

[Marissa]

Sean, my condolences. I would have laughed aplenty. No doubt. In fact, I would have brought popcorn to share. Extra butter, right?

Making one's bed is not difficult especially if you have a comforter. Seriously. All you do is jerk, fluff and flop.

My guess is the young ladies think the unkempt bedroom gives an air of come what may; too cool for school. Meanwhile, they go to every effort to look like every girl on The Hills, as you stated.

I wish I could see this fantastic display of youthful talent. I'd be there front row with my Big Kahuna Slurpee.