I'm burping up vegan...and I dig it!

We're about to embark on Cleveland Rocks: Day 3, which takes us to the Christmas Story House, museum, gift shop, heck even the Leg Lamp warehouse -- all to celebrate the movie's 25th anniversary. (Will I weep at the sight of Ralphie's Red Ryder? Probably.) After that, Photog Scott and I will search out a joint, a dive, a haunt to watch tonight's Rays-Sox game.

But before all that madcappery, I must first tell you about a bit of soy-based sleight of hand, garden-raised protein prestidigitation. Yep, Chrissie Hynde's VegiTerranean, the new 100-percent-vegan hotspot in Akron, Ohio. As someone who shrieks in the face of nonprocessed foods, I was skeptical about an animal-free joint, maybe even smirky in a Burger King Boy sorta way. (Buncha no-good hippies...) And when I could only fit one-half of my ass on the hipster art-deco table chair, well, that made me even more guarded. The decor is Sleeper-mod: white, sleek, minimalist, nothing like the full brash rock music Chrissie and the Pretenders make.

But executive chef J. Scot Jones (whose sister grew up in East Akron with Chrissie) (who Chrissie once knew as "little Jimmy Jones!") (who Chrissie hired when the chef, who does eat meat, surprised her with a full vegan meal) took it upon himself to seduce me. I told him my biggest fears: celery, carrots, mushrooms, beets, broccoli, cauliflower, anything not covered in cheeze. And with great amounts of humor and confidence, he set out to make us something special.

"Chrissie said she was in it to save cows," said Scot about his boss' new business venture. "But she really just wanted a restaurant to come to when she came home." The great Pretender comes in every few months. I can see why. I'm not sure how Scot did it, and frankly I don't want to know. 'Cause this one thing was called chicken, and it looked like chicken, and it kinda tasted like chicken -- but it was all garden grown. (Have you heard of Gardein? No Soylent Green jokes, please.)

Anyway, here's our meal:

Hot Italian Banana Peppers filled with fresh Herb Risotto and Soy Mozzarella with fresh Basil Lime sauce -- $10 (This was like vegan porn, totally out-of-control and spicy as hell. Delish.)

Whole Grilled Artichokes served with Lemon Herb and Roasted Red Pepper dipping sauces & shaved Rawmesan (pictured above) -- $11 (I think Scot knew he had me with "dipping sauces.")

Gardein Chicken Picatta sauteed with Lemon White Caper and Soy Butter sauce over Braised Greens and White Bean Mashed Potatoes -- $19 (Seriously, that Gardein? Bamboozling, but awesome. However, there's something to be written about vegetarians wanting to save chickens, and yet also still kinda wanting to eat them.)

Almond-Crusted Gardein Chicken Breast with ????? and ???? -- $23 (This was the special, and instead of writing down what Scot was telling me, I was stuffing my face. Sorry.)

A side of Tofurkey Sausage with Marinara -- $??igotsauceonthereceipt?? (This was a lil' joke from Scot, something for Mr. Sausage. Good one!)

At the end of the meal, our new favorite chef asked, "Would you like some dessert?" Lo and behold, I didn't have room. And that, my friends, might have been the biggest magic trick of all.

Photo by Scott "Make Mine Meatless" Keeler

Comments

[jo]

They could cater Spearsy's wedding.

[Lori]

So they want to both save cows AND cows' milk? What's up with the soy mozzarella? And what the heck is Rawmesan? I love vegetables, but, man, bring on the cheese!

[Jeff in Cuba]

jo,

Catering weddings for Spears is more of a career than just a job.

And SD,

I think I speak for most of us when I say that we don't need to see the phrase "something for Mr. Sausage" in print again any time soon.

[jo]

Joe told me not to post this, but I am anyway.

Sean, if your poop floats after that hearty vegan meal, you are >very healthy!

[Starfish]

The only thing vegan I like is hummus. As far as Im concerned, cook me up a big ol steak and I will enjoy every minute of it

[Lori]

Vegan, not vegetarian. I'm a bit slow. Did everyone have on vinyl shoes?

Is "prestidigitation" a word that is in your everyday vocab repertoire, Sean? Boggles the mind.

[Shadow of Former Self]

SD,

I think that this vegan article is fine and dandy, but let's get down to the "meat" of the article....

Howabout those RAYs! Woohooo baby, take down those nasty Red Sux..... Win this series and hello World Series!.....Woohooo! Aki for MVP!

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog...

...and therefore soyburgers are better than soy dogs.

[jim w.]

ok, i wasn't sure if i was reading pop life or the mouth there for a minute.

i have long thought there was serious inconsistency with vegetarians who want to make their vegetables look and taste like meat. i was at a vegetarian cooking demo once, and they were grilling up a portabello mushroom, and the chef said, "a grilled portabello mushroom makes an excellent substitution for a steak." and i said, "but it would be even better ON TOP OF a steak." i thought she was going to cry.

i am also afraid of the word "rawmesan."

i'm totally ok with the idea of vegetarian, and to a lesser degree vegan, cuisine. but just let it be what it is.

[The Mouth]

I'm warning you, Daly. And you, too, Keeler. I've got a beat to protect, and I won't take this lying down. As a taste of the fierce case of whup-a. I could wreak, check out my own unprovoked incursion post here:

http://blogs.tampabay.com/dining/2008/10/see-that-little.html#more