DALY TV: Talkin' Adam Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Weezer...and sippy cups?

Wow, you are about to witness some really BAD hair. We're talking Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman action, my friends. Rest assured I rocked SupaCuts this weekend, and no longer have such an atrocious mop. But alas, before the shearing, I taped not one, but two rollicking segments with ABC music savant John Thomas. The bit you're about to see deals with November's new pop music releases. There's also a riotous Christmas seggie lurking out there as well. You want a fun drinking game? Every time I blurt a non sequitur (for instance: "sippy cups"), hoist a beverage. At the very least, it'll make for interesting television. YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!

Adam Lambert: First single, track listing on 'For Your Entertainment,' out Nov. 23

 

I don't hate the Xanadu-meets-Road Warrior cover art for Adam Lambert's debut album, In fact, it's so out-and-proud, you have to appreciate the sparkly-font, fingerless-glove brazeness of it all. And I like the list of his songwriters: Pink, Justin Hawkins, Green Day producer Rob Cavallo. But title track and first single For Your Entertainment sounds like a synthetic Justin Timberlake-in-spandex cut, which is sorta of like saying it sounds like fake polyester. It's pretty weak. Of course, the buzz and marketing behind this album, out Nov. 23, are almost guaranteeing it'll ship platinum. Anyway, check out the song, and let me know what you think. GO HERE FOR ALL YOUR GLAMBERT NEEDS.

David Cook coming to Mahaffey Theater in St. Petersburg, Nov. 27

THIS JUST IN! American Idol champ David Cook will play the lush Mahaffey Theater in downtown St. Petersburg on Nov. 27. Tickets go on sale Oct. 24 at noon. GO HERE.

This is a GREAT get for the Mahaffey and for the town, which needed good concert news after the temporary shuttering of Jannus Landing and a slow trickling of big names into the 'burg. 

Sexy new songs by Adam Lambert, Ashley Tisdale and Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull

Adam Lambert, Time for Miracles: What was the name of that Aerosmith song from Armageddon? This overblown apocalyptic ballad sounds like that overblown apocalyptic ballad, doesn't it? By the way, as the nerve endings of our nation get considerably more frayed, do we really need to see our planet get decimated by wrath-of-God special effects?

Ashley Tisdale, Crank It Up: I really have been better about my Tisdale fixation. In fact, I found this relatively filfthy video by accident. (Seriously!) In this grindy vid, Miss Tisdale returns to her unnatural blond, totally going for the Brit-Brit sluthouse effect. I'm not saying I approve, but I have watched the video 476 times in a row now.

Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull, Fresh Out the Oven: Because it worked so well for Garth Brooks, Lopez is rebooting her career via a new performance name. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for...Lola!!! Oh well. At the very least, this item allowed me to use that picture of Lopez playfully touching her toes. So limber, that Lola!

Wolfmother, Weezer and a Whole Lotta Lambert: 10 cool fall album releases

As well as being Jerry Lee Lewis’ 74th birthday — go get ’em, Killer! — next Tuesday kickstarts what could be a very cha-chingy season of music sales. Mariah Carey, Madonna and Barbra Streisand all have new platters out on the same day, and much hullabaloo will be made about that. (Look for Mimi’s Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel to top Madge’s Celebration and Babs’ Love Is the Answer at the cash registers.)

I’m much more excited about other goodies on the fall schedule. So here you go, SD's Ten Most Intriguing Autumn Albums:

Miranda Lambert, Revolution (Sept. 29) First single Dead Flowers is way too tame for this crossbow-totin’ country gal. But here’s hoping Ran terrorizes a couple of exes before she’s done.

Karen O and the Kids, Where the Wild Things Are (Sept. 29) I have squishy feelings about Spike Jonze’s big-screen take on Sendak’s classic. But having the Yeah Yeah Yeahs bizarress — and Jonze’s gal pal — do the soundtrack is daring. “Let the wild rumpus start!”

Bob Dylan, Christmas in the Heart (Oct. 13) Zimmy’s late-career Bing Crosby fetish reaches its peak. Positively 34th Street?

Daryl Hall & John Oates, Do What You Want, Be What You Are (Oct. 13)  A 4CD set of Philly soul, FM bliss and final proof that Oates never should have shaved the ’stache.

Weezer, Raditude (Oct. 27) With the help of unlikely hip-hop pals Jermaine Dupri and Dr. Luke, awesomely unstable Rivers Cuomo continues his search for the perfect power-pop formula.

Wolfmother, Cosmic Egg (Oct. 27) After shedding his old mates, Aussie hairball Andrew Stockdale forges on with three dudes well-versed in heavy metal, Led Zep and puffy unicorn stickers.

Various Artists, Glee: The Music (Nov. 3) From Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ to Kanye West’s Gold Digger, Fox’s hit show about losers in tune takes pop hits and reinvents them with robust choral cheek. In a related note: Isn’t it time the great Jane Lynch won an Emmy?

Carrie Underwood, Play On (Nov. 3) True confession: I gave Underwood’s 2007 album Carnival Ride a D grade. Two years later, I have four songs from that disc on my iPod. I will never underestimate the Nashville nymph’s seductive powers again.

Norah Jones, The Fall (Nov. 17) With her opium-haze voice and toasty piano style, Miss Jones walks that tricky tightrope between lulling and numbing. The good news — well, for us at least — is that this one is a break-up special with angry guitar.

Adam Lambert, TBD (Nov. 24) In the new ish of Rolling Stone, there’s a wicked shot of  last year’s AI runner-up howling in the recording studio. Sweet! We want our Lamby to raise a hellhound ruckus on his debut disc. Bring the noise, baby!

DALY TV! Who's up for a good cry?

This is my last day of vacation. Frankly, I'd rather sob in a shadowy corner than fire up the blog machine. Heck, I don't even get the full day. Tonight I have to work the Rays-Yankees game, drumming up biz for The Big Showoff. I'll be up in the TBT Party Deck if you wanna stop by. If you can't find me, check the shadowy corners and listen for the wailing.

Despite my depression-induced lethargy, however, I'm sick of staring at that Taylor Swift item, so here's some abbreviated madcappery to shake me from the doldrums:

* I taped some schtick for ABC Action News a long time ago, and it finally ran this past Saturday. It's pretty dated; I might as well be in black-and-white and commanding a steamboat. But I'm so unbelievably handsome in my super suit, I'd hate to rob the world of my beauty. Here's DALY TV.

* Thanks to my friend and college roomie Kevin, I put about 500 new songs on my iPod. One of those is 3,000 Miles by a guy named Ellis Paul. You folkies probably know him well. Here he plays my new favorite song with Susan Werner. Prepare to fall in love.

* Stephanie Hayes reviewed last night's American Idol show in Tampa. HERE'S THAT. Check out the comments, too. It's the sign of a great writer when that many people hate your guts. Way to go, Steph!

* Had lunch with Stuck in the '80s co-host Steve Spears yesterday. We've drummed up a new seggie for the show. It's gonna be a Q&A in which you can ask anything you want, from Do I really hate Spandau Ballet with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns (um, yes) to What's the best '80s song for the Dance of the Seven Buttons (Cameo's Word Up) to Does Steve's rug match his curtains (depends on the social function). Fire off a query! Invade our privacy! Spearsy has some good response already on his blog. 

American Idol Secrets Revealed! Why Kris Allen really wants to be Billy Dee Williams!!

WARNING: I've already received one angry email about the following story. Barb writes: "A nasty and uninformative article. I know you were trying for humor. Sorry, not funny either. Now if someone could just teach you how to write, we'd be all set." I hope you enjoy it as much as she did!

A long time ago, back when Simon Cowell drove a used Honda and people thought Justin Guarini had talent, American Idol was about innocence, dreams, good-hearted pluck. My, how things have changed. With the top 10 from Season 8 coming to the St. Pete Times Forum Tuesday (TICKETS), it’s abundantly clear that today’s “amateurs” are slick, wily talents who know exactly who they want to be. The kids may wear the mask of naivete, but here we reveal their true selves.

Kris Allen = Billy Dee Williams

Don’t be fooled by the Idol champ’s quasi-virginal routine. Allen won because he’s smoove with the ladies, just like our ladies-man hero Billy Dee Williams, beer pitchman/Lando Calrissian (although I’m willing to bet Kris can’t guzzle Colt .45 or pilot the Millennium Falcon).

Adam Lambert = Siegfried & Roy
Hold on, Glambert fans. This is a compliment! Lambert is a loud, sparkly, cheesetastic showman, right? But although he has a great voice, his true talent is in razzle-dazzle. If Idol had better insurance, you would have seen him in diamond-studded jackets wrangling a jungle cat. Trust me.

Danny Gokey = Debby Boone
Mr. Touchy-Feely had a weepy backstory and sensitive friends, and that was fine, intriguing even. But the Robert Downey Jr. lookalike backed that schmaltz with arguably the lamest taste in diva music ever. If he’d have lasted one more week, I’m positive he would have lit up our lives with the Boone classic.

Allison Iraheta = Leather Tuscadero
Remember those tough feather-haired sisters Fonzie dated on Happy Days? Man, I loved those hellions. Iraheta is still shy of 18, but she sounds like she smokes two-packs a day and has done time in Shawshank. Like the Fonz, we dig ’em tough.

Matt Giraud = Wax Statue of Justin Timberlake
Giraud was highly convincing as someone impersonating a Justin Timberlake impersonator. He had absolutely none of JT’s charm, although he did have his hat. And he rocked that chapeau.

Lil Rounds = Wonder Woman
Kapow! Sure, Lil had a great voice, an R&B furnace. But with all due respect, her talent — and she knew it — was in her superheroic curves, a hubba-hubba heinie she showed off in skintight body suits. Kerblammo!

Anoop Desai = John “Bluto” Blutarsky
One of the more unseemly transformations during Season 8 was Anoop Desai going from a humble underdog to a cocky University of North Carolina grad with his Animal House frat bros in the crowd. The only thing worse was if he’d gone to Duke.

Scott MacIntyre = Snuggles, Fabric Softener Bear
Yes, Scott showed courage in being the first blind contestant on Idol. But he was so smiley, so blinky, so pure, he had all the edge of a cloying stuffed bear.

Megan Joy = Big Bird
We all deal with nerves in different ways: eating, laughing, crying. As for Megan, she flapped her arms and squawked like a bird. Caw! Caw! If this were Sesame Street — or a mental asylum — she would have been a star.

Michael “Big Oil” Sarver = A can of Schlitz
It’s true. Sarver had all the nuance of a can of discount domestic suds. But he was fine with that. Speaking of which, I’ll need a few cold ones to get through his performance. Bottoms up!

American Idol auditions in Orlando! Register today! Bring a Speedo and your Dad's mugshot!

This is it, the big day, your first pivotal step to fame, fortune and a sweet catfight with Kara DioGuardi! Starting at 6 a.m. today, registration for local American Idol auditions will run for 48 straight  hours at Orlando’s Amway Arena. Once you get your magic wristband, you’ll be all set to warble almighty at Thursday’s auditions for the show’s ninth season.

We’ve provided important logistical information for all you future Fantasias (see below); we also strongly suggest checking out the labyrinthine rules at americanidol.com.

But while those regulations are crucial, we’d like to offer a few secret audition tips. Yes, we enjoy ridiculing people on Idol. But we’re talking Sunshine State pride here, and we want our FLA brethren to shine on Thursday!

So allow me to help you get to the American Idol Promised Land, which looks not unlike Paula Abdul’s shiny cleavage.

Tip No. 1 If you’re big and you’re hairy and you simply want to get on TV, wear a bikini. This goes for men and women. Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell did the vampy thing last year, so producers want a twist on the trend. You won’t get to Hollywood, but your hirsute bodaciousness will make prime time. I can already see the zany bikini montage now. Look! Chewbacca in a thong! Genius!

Tip No. 2 If you’re really in it to win it, sing Sam Cooke. This is the best advice I’ll give all day. You’ll get scolded for attempting to match Whitney, Celine, Aretha. But Idol rewards those who cover — even screeech (see Lambert, Adam) — the greatest R&B singer of all time. Can’t go wrong with A Change Is Gonna Come or You Send Me. In a related matter, you also can’t go wrong with having a Dad in prison. Always a bonus!

Tip No. 3 If you’re attractive  but your pipes are only mediocre, don’t dress sleazy to overcompensate. That only works while charming music critics. Instead, try the old Humble Hottie routine. Producers will provide plenty of G-rated Allens and Archuletas. But a lot of us watch for subtle tongue-waggers Kellie Pickler and Ace Young, too.

Tip No. 4 Please, for the love of Simon Cowell’s man-bosoms, don’t get a case of the vocal runs. Producers look for unique voices — not someone who sounds like Mariah Carey trapped in a Cuisinart. Instead of shattering octaves, you’d be better off gaining weight, growing a beard and rocking a ’kini. Trust me.
 
Tip No. 5 If I’m doing my math correctly, producers will be on the lookout for either (1) a dynamic R&B entertainer with flash (aka the Michael Jackson effect) (2) a cutie-next-door with a big voice a la Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood and (3) a vaguely cocky rocker a la Chris Daughtry, David Cook and Adam Lambert. If you happen to be any of those, get to Orlando pronto.

And if you see me, say hello. I’ll be the dude in the pink Speedo.

Registration for American Idol tryouts in Orlando are today and Wednesday at Amway Arena; auditions will be held on Thursday. Registration will begin at 6 a.m. and will continue for 48 hours; only one person in line with you through registration.

You must have two forms of ID that show proof of your age and a photograph; if you are under 18, you must be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Amway Arena, 600 W Amelia St., Orlando. (407) 849-2558. http://www.orlandovenues.net/. Parking is $5.

Idol Follies: Associated Press