LIVE IDOL: the Antichrist goes back to the beach!

Woo! My faith in humanity is restored! I can put my high heels back on! Protesting is so two months ago, anyway.

In a jarring and unexpected move, the worst singer on American Idol actually received the lowest number of votes. Evil hellspawn Jason Castro, who seriously confessed to his "brain being dead" on Wednesday's show, went home.

YAYYYYY.

Tuesday, he turned in nightmarish renditions of Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man and Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff. "Somebody told me that I shot the Tambourine Man," he cracked. Well, no, but millions of people threatened to shoot themselves.

We're super close to a two-David ticket just begging for bumper sticker slogans. David squared!

THE BOTTOM TWO: Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro

AND FOURTH-PLACE GOES TO: JASON CASTRO, YAYYYYYYYYYYYY, LET'S HAVE A PARTY!

YOUR TOP THREE IDOLS: David Archuleta, David Cook, Syesha Mercado

IDOL RECAP: Ready the picket line, Jason!

This is the best talent in the country? All those people in all those audition lines, and we have a dude with  French-bread-crusty dreadlocks and alarming cognitive problems in the top four? If Jason Castro doesn't go home, I'm going on strike.

American Idol should just call it a wash and start over next year. It's like when you go soooo far off your diet that you just say, "Eff it, I'm-a just finish this here block of Velveeta and start the 48-Hour Hollywood Miracle Juice Diet in the morning."

That's how the producers must be feeling.

Recap:

David Cook: Hungry Like the Wolf and Baba O'Riley. Did he take a Soma before showtime? Really. He's usually at least got some energy. I've heard better versions of the first song at karaoke bars on the beach at 2 a.m. And song two was the hangover. Incidentally, D-Cook's bangs are really starting to bug me. Embrace your natural hairline, baby. It ain't moving down any further.

Syesha Mercado: Proud Mary and A Change is Gonna Come.  She violated the cardinal rule - avoid songs by the single-named divas: Whitney, Mariah, Tina, Chaka. I'd take Tina any day, even at six-trillion years old. Syesha glammed it up and wailed much better on the second song. She's got a few chops. Then, WAIT FOR IT... water works!  The ultimate vote grabber! Her tear-streaked mineral foundation will keep her in another week.

Jason Castro: I Shot the Sheriff and Mr. Tambourine Man.  SO BAD!  BAD!  BAD BAD BAD!!!!! AND HE FORGOT A MILLION WORDS!!  SO DONE! BOOOOO! BAD.

David Archuleta: Stand By Me and Love Me Tender. Young David admitted in the pre-song clip that he sings to his dog.  It's possible there are some missing squigglies in his genetic pool. Anyway, he's a good singer. And nobody in America seems to be turned off by his grating Kwepie-Doll-Aw-Shucks-They-Like-Me! thing. I can't wait till his inappropriate backless Annie Leibovitz photos surface.

Who's going home?:  JASONJASONJASONJASONJASONJASON.  Uh... I mean, it's, uhh, anybody's game. Yeah, that's it.

Photo: AP

LIVE IDOL! Oh my stars, these people are boring!

ZZZZZZZ...

Hmm? Oh, hi.  Just nodded off thinking about American Idol's "top" four. Lemme just grab a Diet Coke and some electroshock panels, and we'll be in bidness.

By the way, this is Stephanie Hayes. Sean Daly is en route to one of two magical locations: The Radiohead concert in Tampa, or a convalescent facility.

See, everyone's fave Pop Life hero is having a rough time today. His hair looks bad (his words, not mine), he has residual Red Bull Myrtle Beach heartburn, and apparently, he consumed an entire tub of chicken salad at 1 a.m. after the Kanye show. No one should suffer that much Miracle Whip.

So let's give him some respite from the most boring bunch of singers ever in the world, shall we? Seriously, this is getting dreadful. Leading the pack, we've got two schlubs named David (pictured above) with the effervescence of a tablespoon of mayo. Times is hard.

Tonight, the Idols sing songs that shaped rock 'n roll, or something like that. If all goes well, Jason Castro will bite the head off a bat, sending Seacrest screaming like a little girl into the fan pit. But more likely, he'll sing Time in a Bottle and I'll die a little inside.

But forget them! Let's have fun chatting! The Pop Life Idol Chat and Chicken Salad Emporium opens around 8!

IDOL RECAP: Agony of De Feet

Pathologically barefoot Kleenex machine Brooke White was doinked from American Idol Wednesday, leaving just three singers and one asexual Muppet, David Archuleta, who has managed to charm great chunks of the United States without any semblance of a personality. Some might say Brooke was adios-ed because of her deep hatred for shoes and obvious love of dandelion crowns.

But for the first time all season, the singer with the worst Tuesday performance (Brooke's I'm a Believer, the low point of Neil Diamond week) was given the boot. Finally, justice!

THE BOTTOM TWO: Syesha Mercado, Brooke White

AND FIFTH-PLACE GOES TO...Brooke White

YOUR TOP FOUR IDOLISTS: Jason Castro, David Archuleta, David Cook, Syesha Mercado

IDOL RECAP: I'm Less Alive Than I Was Before This Started

   Hi all, Sharon Fink again, once more subbing for the charming and vivacious Sean Daly, who's out getting a good beer buzz early into the morning with Sheryl Crow. (Or arranging a marriage between her young Wyatt and his Maya. Or both, figuring the former would lead to the lattter.)

Regulars know my Idol credentials. Here are my qualifications to assess Neil Diamond night:     I am a HUGE Monkees fan ("Ohhhh, I'm a believer"). I own vinyl copies of The Jazz Singer soundtrack and the Heartlight 45. I saw Jazz Singer when it came out. And the manager of the record/CD/video store I worked at in a large American city in the mid-1980s swore that the most insane crowd he had dealt with while working security at the local concert arena was for the big D -- thousands of women who looked like your mother sweetly promising not to rush the stage door once he appeared, only to stampede so they could pluck out a chest hair (like there wasn't enough to go around if they didn't line up in an orderly fashion).    

Tonight's Idol Happy Hour had two songs from each of the final five. Why two songs? Not because Fox can't pad an hour show. Because it had to justify to Neil Diamond bringing him on for five people, even if his album does come out May 6. And why do I call it Happy Hour? Because it was like happy hour at a karoke bar in Cancun frequented by spring breakers.       

Jason Castro: First song, Forever in Blue Jeans; second song September Morn. There's being cool and low-key, and there's coming across like you would rather be stationed at a South Pole research station than here. His somnambulant delivery didn't differ between the songs, and of the bazillion songs Neil Diamond has written, one of the ones he picks is a throwaway. I want to say he's in danger of going, but I have a bad feeling about the voting habits of a lot of vulnerable females.     

David Cook: I'm Alive and All I Really Need is You. The judges are so in love with him, they can't bring themselves to point out that both of his songs also sounded the same: "modern rock" arrangements, start out soft, build to a big, shouted ending. The judges also are seeing nonwinner Chris Daughtry's millions of sales dancing in their heads and remembering that they egged along his ejection by telling him he needed to stop with that repetitive modern rock stuff. Cook matches up well with Daughtry, and he has more talent and stage presence than Castro. And he'll deservedly still cruise to the final.

Brooke White: I'm A Believer and I Am ... I Said. Her entire first song was a war between the key it was played in and the key her voice was trying to sing it in. By the second song, I was thinking of Christopher Guest's A Mighty Wind and his mockumentary folk group The New Main Street Singers.    

David Archuleta: Sweet Caroline and America. Sweet Caroline was the best vocal of the first round. And Archuleta is nothing if not audience savvy. If he didn't do Heartlight for his second song, he was going to do America. Simon was right, America was a smart choice. Performance was ragged, but Archuleta's voice is so good, his personality so cuddly -- and his fans so fervent -- it didn't matter. He's also still on track for the final two.    

Syesha Mercado: Hello Again and Thank the Lord for the Night Time. She had the best overall vocals, and a few moments of connection in the second song, but overall her night was another one of "Aren't I just the greatest singer! ... That's a rhetorical question."    

Who will go? Before the show started, it was going to be either Jason, Brooke or Syesha. Their performances didn't change that. Fan-base voting has had a bigger impact this season than in the past, so as much as Jason or Brooke should go based on performance, any one of the three could could be out.     

LIVE IDOL! Hot April Night

Hey kids, should be a good American Idol tonight (and when I say "good" I mean "watchable after a few beverages"). Last week's Andrew Lloyd Webber-a-thon was brutal. But the remaining Top 5 should have some fun with the songs of tonight's mentor: Mr. Neil Diamond, one of the coolest cats around. Show starts at 8 p.m.

Alas, I will be reviewing the Sheryl Crow show in Clearwater. But you're in for a treat, 'cause pop-culture goddess Sharon Fink will be working the Pop Life Idol Chat & Crunchy Granola Stand, which will open at 7:39 p.m. She'll also give a full snarky rundown after the show. If Archuleta does Heartlight, we all win.

IDOL RECAP: She Shoulda Listened to Me

If Carly Smithson had followed my celebrity-enhancement advice -- for instance, staggering the besotted streets of West Hollywood and sucker-punching Willie Aames to juice her boring reputation -- she might have won American Idol this year. 'Cause the Irish lass could sing. Instead, her blah personality finally caught up with her Wednesday. She had killer ink, but no edge. She needed a little rock 'n' roll rebellion. That leaves four singers...oh, and Brooke White.

Next week features the great Neil Diamond as a mentor. David Cook doing "Solitary Man"? Archuleta weeping "Hello Again"? Castro and his E.T. mug doing "Heartlight"? We'll see...

THE BOTTOM-DWELLERS...Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson

AND THE SIXTH-PLACE FINISHER IS...Carly Smithson

YOUR TOP FIVE... David Cook, David Archuleta, Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado

Andrew Lloyd Webber Barbecue

Janet Keeler here, blogging for the lovely and talented Sean Daly who is doing the Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out at the Forum with the Boss tonight. I'm at home eating buffalo any'tizers, washing them down with a heaping helping of American Idol and wondering if Lloyd is Andrew's middle name or part of his last name. And if it's his last name, why isn't it hyphenated? I hope I can get to sleep tonight.

I'm qualified to be a guest blogger for Pop Life because:
1. I still have my original vinyl version of "Jesus Christ Superstar" and can sing all the songs.
2. I've watched Idol since the beginning and am not ashamed to say I voted for Justin Guarini a million times. I also voted for Ruben Studdard which redeems me at least a little. I still say his performance of the Bee Gees Nights on Broadway was one of the best of all time. Sexy. There, I said it.
3. I'm the only person in the features department not at the Springsteen concert.

I'd hoped no one would sing Memory, but alas it happened. The rest of the story of the night the final six met their match, musical theater:

Syesha Mercado: One Rock n' Roll Too Many from Starlight Express. The Lady in Red looked fabulous; very Eartha Kittish. She sounded great until those last few notes when my ears started bleeding. What's with all the screeching? By the end of the night, I'd forgotten her performance. Maybe she should have worn rollerskates. (Oh, and Sean, she wasn't wearing shoes.)

Jason Castro: Memory from Cats. The dreads freaked out Sir Andrew during the "master class." I can't imagine how he must have felt when he heard my old college boyfriend butcher the most lampooned-song in history. Now he's given us another reason to skewer it. Basically, the song just kicked his butt. See ya, Jason.

Brooke White: You Must Love Me from Evita. Did she really stop and start again? If Jason doesn't go, Goldilocks may be looking for a bear-hug tomorrow night. I actually liked it once she started up again but she smiled a few too many times for a women singing about dying. Maybe she was just dying inside.

David Archuleta: Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera. This guy is ready for his Disney soundtrack closeup. Very sweet, very measured. After this many weeks, can he actually be that surprised people like him? His Melissa Doolittle, aw-shucks thing is grating.

Carly Smithson: Jesus Christ Superstar from Jesus Christ Superstar. I wish more people had picked songs from this soundtrack. The '70s-vibe dress was cool but the amped up band and overactive backup singers made me feel like I was at Caesars Palace. She could have really iced it tonight but the arrangement got the best of her. Oh, lord.

David Cook: Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. Sir Andrew has a big ole crush on David. Look into my eyes and pretend I'm a 17-year-old girl? Oh, behave. As usual, David was solid as a rock, but what was that big scarf hanging from his pocket? He's the one to beat, but tonight that wasn't saying much.

LIVE IDOL! Will Archuleta Sing "Memory"?

Tonight's American Idol is all about celeb mentor Andrew Lloyd Webber, the British composer responsible for such theatrical cheese plates as Cats, Evita and Phantom of the Opera. Oy, was this a brutally bad idea. I can't wait to see Jason Castro bust out the ukelele and warble Don't Cry for Me Argentina.

Actually, I can wait. Tonight I'm covering Springsteen. Next Tuesday, Sheryl Crow. The Tuesday after that, Radiohead. It's the concert season, so I'm swamped. However, the Pop Life Idol Chat & Opium Den will be OPEN normal hours, thanks to a host of celebrity snarkers these next few Tuesdays.

TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST? None other than my work wife, Janet Keeler, who's been watching Idol ever since the first "pitchy." The newspaper's travel & food editor, Janet is also one of our great pop-culture wits, so you're in for a treat. The show starts 8 p.m.

Need a Jolt? Here's Daly TV

Here's my spot on Fox 13's "Lightning Round" last night (WATCH). Three-quarters of the gags are recycled, and I'm not as zingy as usual. But we filmed it live at 11:20 p.m., so there was a cool novelty to it. After Idol, I wearily crossed the lonely bridge into Tampa, hoping I didn't stink of baby barf. About 20 minutes before leaving the house, TwoTwo launched a Similac smear on her Old Man. But alas, unless you had Smell-o-Vision, you could never tell.

Thanks to loyal bloggette Marissa for the link. Oh, and if you want to see the complete Tricia Walsh Smith video, HERE you go.

IDOL RECAP: KLC Is DOA

Kristy Lee Cook, American Idol's resident Kmart Kellie Pickler, was booted off the show Wednesday night, leaving six remaining contestants. This came as great relief to me and my libido, as I was tired of wondering why I wasn't hot for her in the slightest, and yet all my male friends were. Was something wrong with me? Should I be worried? 'Cause let's be honest, I hit 38 years old like a brick wall, folks, and stuff's breaking down on me by the hour.

Anyway, I gotta go on TV now. See you tomorrow.

BOTTOM THREE: Syesha Mercado, Brooke White, Kristy Lee Cook

AND THE 7TH-PLACE FINISHER IS... Kristy Lee Cook

YOUR TOP SIX: David Cook, David Archuleta, Carly Smithson, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado, Brooke White

IDOL RECAP: Mimi Made Me Do It

After titillating the ladies with this picture of me in Magnum P.I. shorts, it's only fair that I provide a snapshot for the guys. (To be honest, my search for a tasetful Mariah Carey photo was fruitless. If you don't like skin, go listen to Natalie Merchant.)

As for Mimi guest-mentoring on American Idol Tuesday, well, it coulda been a caterwauling nightmare. Instead, it was relatively harmless and frequently boring. Carey tried to look interested and humble, and the contestants were careful not to challenge her to an Octave-Off. But I couldn't help dreaming of an Idol-less future, which is now just a month away.

DAVID ARCHULETA, When You Believe -- Watching Archuleta hug Mariah Carey was brutally awkward. Kind of like that time I danced with my Cousin Melissa to Baby Got Back at a wedding. As for the performance? Whatever. It's the same throaty cruise-ship crap every time.

CARLY SMITHSON, Without You -- Here's what Carly Smithson should do tonight. Buy a bottle of Jack. Go out to the Sunset Strip. And take a swing at a D-list celebrity, like Willie Aames or the guy who played Cousin Larry on Perfect Strangers. 'Cause Carly needs edge, personality, a story. Without it, she's dull.

SYESHA MERCADO, Vanishing -- Syesha is getting closer to that million-dollar note. Good performance, contained and torchy when it should be, show-offy when it mattered. Plus she looked hot. That said, singing a song called Vanishing is just messing with the Idol gods. Remember: They love irony.

BROOKE WHITE, Hero -- Of course she did Hero. And of course she looked like she was going to sob. And of course she doffed a shoe and promoted the scourge of barefootism across the land. But she also had this Studio 54 wild-haired, disco-queen thing going on. I was digging that. If she joins Carly for a beatdown on the Sunset Strip, we might have something here.   

KRISTY LEE COOK, Forever -- Am I the only dude in America who isn't hot for Kristy Lee Cook? Is this a salt-peter sign of my old age, a shot to my libido? Should I start bird-watching or building model planes?

DAVID COOK, Always Be My Baby -- That song is gonna LIGHT UP iTunes tomorrow. You watch, No. 1 all the way. Wow. That could be the best song on the Daughtry album, which has only sold 8 trillion copies. Nice storyline, too, with his sick brother in the crowd.

JASON CASTRO, I Don't Want to Cry -- The last slot of the night is usually a power position. But following Cook was brutal for Kmart Jack Johnson. His act is outta steam. IN FACT, I think I'm sending him back to the bonfire with a bold prediction tomorrow. Stay tuned.

LIVE IDOL! The Desecration of Mimi

With her new album hitting stores today, Mariah Carey will indulge in the ultimate promotional stunt by mentoring the remaining seven schlubs on tonight's American Idol. The great irony in this is that Mariah, more than any other artist, is responsible for the endless plague of octave-stretching, note-murdering amateur singers we get bombarded with year after year. In essence, she's taught young America how to properly butcher a song. Now she's in direct contact with her pupils. Oof. Tonight could be a caterwauling catastrophe.

As for my rooting interest, I just don't know anymore. I started with Amanda Overmyer-Daly. Then after she was wronged, I switched to Michael Johns. But in a big-time shockeroo, the Aussie hunk was unceremoniously adiosed last week. I picked Carly Smithson to win the whole shebang, but she's missing something, like a personality or proper orthodenture. Maybe I'll just hop in bed with Syesha.

The Pop Life Idol Chat & Lingerie Boutique opens at 7:45 p.m. The hourlong show kicks off at 8 p.m. I've been offered tickets to tonight's Yankees-Rays game, but I fear what Marissa would say about me if I accepted. In other words, I'm your faithful servant. See you tonight! 

An "Idol" Rant from the Office Crank

Here's a piece from my good buddy Kyle, a beloved curmudgeon. It's nasty.

"I can't stand American Idol."

Agree? Disagree?

IDOL RECAP: Aussie Loses, McCain Wins

Despite looking like both Tim Daly and Sean Daly, Aussie hunk Michael Johns was bounced from American Idol Thursday night. My apologies to both Sharon Fink (my colleague who picked him to win) and Marissa (the blogger who picked him to stalk).

The night's biggest winner? John McCain, whose message to Idol fans was for more likable (or at least entertaining) than spots by Clinton and Obama.

I'd love to chat more, but the Forever Fiancee went out with her friends, and my daughters are bawling their eyes out. Apparently, they too were fans of Michael Johns.

BOTTOM THREE: Michael Johns, Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson

AND THE EIGHTH-PLACE FINISHER IS...Michael Johns

YOUR TOP SEVEN: Brooke White, David Cook, David Archuleta, Jason Castro, Kristy Lee Cook, Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson

IDOL: Manipulating for Good, Not Evil

Here are 5 memorable moments from Wednesday's epic "Idol Gives Back" celeb-stuffed benefit show, not including Miley Cyrus' jeans, which are really starting to cause problems:

(1) When Bono, reporting from AIDS-ravaged Africa, cut the BS and took off his ever-present shades in the presence of an angel. I'm not sure if I've ever seen him with his glasses off. Weird, but that floored me. (2) Annie Lennox. If you saw her travelogue from South Africa, which ended in tear-choked sobs, and then her following performance at the piano, you know what I'm talking about. (3) Thank god for Simon Cowell's man boobs. Without those ample good sports, which took shots from both Jimmy Kimmel and Robin Williams, the solemn, appropriately bleak event would have been too much too bear. (4) Carrie Underpants' cover of George Michael's "Praying for Time." Not as good as last year's "I'll Stand by You," but I'll buy her on iTunes nonetheless. (5) "Stiller Whips Whitney's A-- for Charity." I'd buy that, too.

Last year's "Idol Gives Back" raised $76 million for underprivileged children here and abroad. That number will no doubt be smashed. If you'd like to make a donation, go HERE.

For more play-by-play on the show, check out the Pop Life Idol Chat comments section, where such popular blog stars as Marissa, Jane, Jeff in Cuba, Sparky, Dede and a cavalcade of pop-culture critics spent the night snarking for your pleasure. See you tomorrow for the vote-off show.

IDOL RECAP: Hang in There

Hey kids, it's Sharon Fink...

snarking in for the lovely and talented Sean Daly while he serenades B.J. Upton at the Rays home opener with his Rays home opener playlist. (He even insists on going through the 3 minutes and 1 second of Mrs. Robinson that precedes the Joe DiMaggio verse. But that's why we love him.) Seriously, folks, Sean is one of my great inspirations, too, so I humbly attempt to fill this space with my take on how the final eight did at inspiring us. Or turning us more toward Satan.

LIVE IDOL! You're the Inspiration

This week is all about inspiration on American Idol. Tonight, the final 8 contestants sing songs of inspiration. That begins at 8 p.m. You just know David Archuleta is busting out the Josh Groban.

Wednesday is the second annual "Idol Gives Back" celeb-stuffed benefit show. That starts at 7:30 p.m. and runs until (gasp!) 10 p.m. Sometime during the show, Teri Hatcher will caterwaul, hopefully not a Josh Groban song.

And Thursday is the inspirational vote-off show. That starts at 8.

Who are my two greatest inspirations, you ask? That's easy. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, and the lovely and talented Sharon Fink, the St. Pete Times' Mistress of Pop Culture.

I'll be at the Tampa Bay Rays home opener tonight, so Sharon will be handling Idol duties, including a withering show recap. I'll be back Wednesday to entertain and delight. Go Sharon!

The Pop Life Idol Chat & Oxygen Bar will be OPEN FOR BUSINESS for all 137 hours of televised Idol this week. So pace yourselves and drink plenty of fluids!

IDOL RECAP: Under the Rainbow

Ramiele Malubay was voted off American Idol Wednesday night. And if there's any consolation for the Polynesian Pixie, it's that she's not nearly as bad at singing as I am at predicting this godforsaken show.

Week after week (and weak after weak), Malubay avoided the dreaded Bottom Three, even though she stunk things up pretty good onstage -- and even though I said she was history. But naturally, the one week I predict that she's safe, that she's bargained with the Prince of Darkness, that she's harnessed all the evil in the world to protect her...she gets voted off.

Again, I suck. So there. (To read people who don't suck, check out the Pop Life Comments section, which was brilliant tonight.)

Next week is the whole "Idol Gives Back" thingie, but we'll open up the Pop Life Idol Chat anyway. We'll just snark for charity. Yeah, that's it. Charity.

BOTTOM THREE: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White

AND THE NINTH-PLACE FINISHER IS...Ramiele Malubay

IDOL RECAP: We're 98% Boob-Joke Free!

On Tuesday, the final nine contestants on American Idol pretended they weren't unnerved by mentor Dolly Parton's facial reconstruction. They also covered a slew of her classics, many of which she penned, most of which are brilliant. So how did the kids do? Let's find out...

BROOKE WHITE, Jolene -- It's nice to see Brooke wearing shoes again. After last week's show, my TV caught a brutal case of athlete's foot....Jolene is such a good song, Sylvester Stallone could cover it and make me weep. It sucks to go first, but Hippie Girl will be fine.

DAVID COOK, Little Sparrow -- No more Skullet?! I miss the old 'do. Plus Dolly thinks he's arrogant, which speaks volumes. But hey, DC finally performs his own "arrangement," and I dug it.

RAMIELE MALUBAY, Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? -- Well, well, well, the Jawa finally uncorks a decent performance. Couple that with her blood contract with Mephistopheles, and Malubay just might make it another week. Pick her to leave at your own risk.

JASON CASTRO, Travelin' Thru -- Kmart Jack Johnson could be screwed big time, and not just in a good way. Sure, the babes dig him, but take it from me, being a devastating chick magnet is a gift and a curse. As for the song? Not good. There's Uh-Oh #1.

CARLY SMITHSON, Here You Come Again -- One of my favorite Dolly tunes. The live version was good, but I have a feeling the produced version on iTunes will sound even better. I also thought she looked kinda sexy. That snaggletooth thing is really starting to work for me.

DAVID ARCHULETA, Smoky Mountain Memories -- Whoa, Dolly's voracious bosom almost swallowed the kid whole! That woulda been awesome. Although I love to mock Archuleta, he nailed that sucker. Although didn't the song sound a lot like Desperado?

KRISTY LEE COOK, Coat of Many Colors -- Just when I thought it was safe to put away the Desenex... Eeek!!! KLC's bare feet weren't the only corny things onstage. That performance was about as genuine as her disco-ball eyeshadow. There's Uh-Oh #2.

SYESHA MERCADO, I Will Always Love You -- Syesha swapped in million-dollar notes for 99-cent letdowns. I kept waiting for her to go for it...and she never did. There's Uh-Oh #3.

MICHAEL JOHNS, It's All Wrong, But It's All Right -- Is he wearing an ascot? Wow, this guy just keeps getting goofier...and I love it! Cool blue-eyed-soul thing going on with that song. Very smooth. He's starting to heat up. I might have to fight Marissa for the Aussie hunk after all.

IDOL RECAP: Boxcar Chikezie Hops a Train

Boxcar Chikezie was sent home from American Idol Wednesday. And that's too bad. Next Tuesday is Dolly Parton Night, which, in a strange way, would have been right in Chikezie's wagon-wheelhouse. 'Cause although he bored the masses with Luther Vandross, he delighted them with crazy hootenannies the weeks before.

But hey, it doesn't matter anyway. 'Cause Ramiele Malubay, despite being lousy week after week, is obviously experimenting with demonic forces far too mighty for mere mortals to combat. Despite hacking through Heart's Alone Tuesday, she wasn't even in the Bottom Three. She has obviously collared Beelzebub to do her bidding. So good luck with that, David Archuleta. Satan's gonna eat you up like a smirky lil' bon-bon.

THE BOTTOM THREE: Chikezie, Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro

AND THE 10TH-PLACE FINISHER IS...CHIKEZIE

IDOL RECAP: I Woulda Rocked 1970

Herewith, Tuesday's Top 10 American Idolists, performing a song from the year they were born. (If that had been me, I woulda rocked your worlds with Cracklin' Rosie by Mr. Neil Diamond. Can you handle my hot August nights? I don't think so, ladies. I do not think so.)

RAMIELE MALUBAY, 1987, Alone -- So Ramiele used to bite as a kid, huh? I never would have guessed that, 'cause I've only seen her suck. (Oh, c'mon. Let a man warm up, okay?)

JASON CASTRO, 1987, Fragile -- Not even his blinky moonpie face will save him from that whispery mess of Sting. And why does he keep picking songs with foreign words? And why is Paula dressed for a dinner-theater production of Breakfast at Tiffany's?

SYESHA MERCADO, 1987, If I Were Your Woman -- Seriously, the baby cry? That's gotta stop. 'Cause Syesha is hot, and she can sing, and she finally caught hold of her first good performance. But that horrific baby impression is rendering me dead below the waist.

CHIKEZIE, 1985, If Only for One Night -- Boxcar Chikezie bails on the hootenanny and hits us with some Luther. It was sexy, smooth and, most importantly, it didn't include a hillbilly harmonica breakdown. Not bad at all. He should be fine.

BROOKE WHITE, 1983, Every Breath You Take -- Ooh, the false start. Very uncomfortable. Plus she's in freakin' barefeet again, which makes me want to protect my TV with Dr. Scholl's. But here's the thing: She's gonna score with that sucker 'cause it was a decent performance of a monster hit.

MICHAEL JOHNS, 1978, We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions -- I'm really starting to root for this guy, and not because we're twins. He's slightly goofy, a bit of an underdog and he has King Kong's cojones, reaching for Freddie Mercury whenever he can. First Bohemian Rhapsody, now this. Well done, mate. Well done.

CARLY SMITHSON, 1983, Total Eclipse of the Heart -- I believe Carly Smithson. I do. And I think in a goofy, totally earnest way, she connects with what she's singing. Not a splendid performance tonight, but she's the real deal. And no, I am not saying this because her husband terrifies me.

DAVID ARCHULETA, 1990, You're the Voice -- First of all, it's good to see Rosie Perez getting work again, even if it is as David Archuleta's mother. Simon sez: "Theme-park performance." Couldn't snark it better myself. This kid's polish is washing off. Sorry, gang.

KRISTY LEE COOK, 1984, God Bless the U.S.A. -- Wow, that might be the most strategically brilliant move in Idol history!!! Instead of video flames, SHE GOT A VIDEO FLAG!!! That's hilarious. Even the crusty British dude didn't mess with the red, white and blue. Girlfriend is crafffffty.

DAVID COOK, 1982, Billie Jean -- Okay, am I the only one getting tired of him Nickelbacking the classics? First Lionel Richie, then the Beatles, now this. I know a lot of you loved it. And Cook does have extremely large huevos. But it was kinda "Weird Al" Yankovicky for me. "Oooh, look how he's screwing with that part." I couldn't accept it as anything other than performance art.

See you for tomorrow night's shocker! Archuleta gets the boot!   

LIVE IDOL! The Curse of Froggy

Last Wednesday on American Idol, raspy-voiced siren Amanda Overmyer was cruelly dismissed from the singing competition. On Saturday, I celebrated my 38th birthday with the neighborhood dudes/mourned Amanda's vicious fate by doing very bad things for 13 hours. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the ghost of Jessica Tandy tried to seduce me during Hour 12. In all fairness, that might have been a hallucination. I'll get back to you.

Anyway, on Sunday, I woke up without a voice...and with the Forever Fiancee really ticked off. When I tried to speak, I sounded not unlike Froggy, that bespectacled Our Gang rapscallion. I also sounded a little like my girl Overmyer shrieking Back in the USSR. Indeed, a strange convergence of events. My voice is still shot.

Of course, friends and family are rather delighted by my inability to parlez some. For the first time in my life, I'm letting others get a word in. I imagine my voice was ultimately taken from me by a divine power, a Greater Good (perhaps Tandy's ghost or at least Paula Abdul) who didn't want me spending tonight screaming at the TV screen, blaming asexual smirker David Archuleta or barefoot hippie Brooke White for my Overmyer loss.

Idol starts tonight at 8 p.m. The Top 10 contestants will be singing songs from the year they were born, which means 1979 through 1991 (basically the '80s revisited). The Pop Life Idol Chat will be open at 7:45 p.m., although we will be serving coffee and donuts in lieu of the typical open bar. I hope you understand. See you tonight...

IDOL RECAP: America Is Stupid

My first love
You're every breath that I take
You're every step I make...

So lemme get this straight: Not only was Amanda Overmyer-Daly voted off American Idol Wednesday by a clueless populace. But the Biker Nurse's mind-boggling dismissal means that I'll get the chance to write about both Kristy Lee Cook and Ramiele Malubay when the inevitable AI concert tour comes to Tampa. Wow, that's awesome news. No, really, awesome. Thanks, America. Thanks for everything. Good luck with that Archuleta kid. He's so innocent!

THE BOTTOM THREE: Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook, Amanda Overmyer

THE 11TH PLACE FINISHER IS...AMANDA OVERMYER-DALY

IDOL RECAP: Great Frampton's Ghost!

Without further ado, here's your Top 11 American Idolists from Tuesday tackling (but mostly fumbling) the Beatles songbook...

AMANDA OVERMYER, Back in the USSR -- That chick looks like fun, indeed! Finally, the Biker Nurse is starting to listen to me. Screw Simon. Perfect song choice. Even if those strobe lights made me swallow my tongue. A small price to pay for skanky Southern fun.

KRISTY LEE COOK, You've Got to Hide Your Love Away -- Who arranges this girl's songs? John Tesh? Oof, she's a nightmare. Couldn't find the hook if the ghost of Lennon was guiding her. In equally disturbing news, she looks older and older each week, as if her Faustian bargain for fame is about to expire. Tick...tick...tick...

DAVID ARCHULETA, The Long and Winding Road -- Ever see Meet the Fockers? Archuleta looks like Ben Stiller's love child, Jorge. Anyway...I really wanted to see the kid stumble, screw up the words, maybe sing The Long and Winding Cul-de-Sac. But he didn't. Jorge nailed it.

MICHAEL JOHNS, A Day in the Life -- I hate to work blue, but this Aussie dude has balls the size of church bells. First Bohemian Rhapsody, now this. He still bounces too much, and he's not as good as he thinks. But I wouldn't challenge him to a knife fight.

BROOKE WHITE, Here Comes the Sun -- I'm a reasonable man. I am. But I swear I wanted to pull an Elvis and shoot the damn TV during that tripe. My lord, her hippie BS makes me want to vote Republican. Why did she say "Wooo"? Did the song really kick into "Wooo" territory? No, it didn't. I hate her. Or maybe I'm secretly in love with her....No, no, I hate her.

DAVID COOK, Day Tripper -- Whoa, first Skullet admits to liking Whitesnake. Which is kinda badass in a surburban dirtball way. Then he busts out the vocoder! Shoot, I really wanted to hate this guy, too. But that was freaking cool. He's skeezy, but I'm starting to dig him.

CARLY SMITHSON, Blackbird -- First of all, the roses around her neck made her look like a Kentucky Derby winner. Plus that performance was the disappointment of the night. She coulda crushed it. But the piano was wrong, and the Celine Dion finish was a wreck. Listen to the Sarah McLachlan version.

JASON CASTRO, Michelle -- His dreadlocks are starting to look like tarantula legs. But that might be the Crown Royal talking. The Bonfire Bandit will be fine. But if you're busting Overmyer for doing the same ol' schtick, Castro's Kmart Jack Johnson routine is getting even weezier.

SYESHA MERCADO, Yesterday -- A big voice covering a quiet song. It was okay, not awful, not exciting. However, if she's going to wear more dresses like that, I say let the woman stick around.

CHIKEZIE, I've Just Seen a Face -- I would have been less startled if a hobo had burst through my front door and started playing harmonica on my kitchen table. Boxcar Chikezie needs to get his act together.

RAMIELE MALUBAY, I Should Have Known Better -- A curious choice to close out the show. Especially since watching her was akin to having your gums scraped. Oof, it's hard to believe that either Ramiele or Kristy Lee is going to make the Top 10 -- and thus will get to tour with the American Idol arena show. Which I will have to review. With tears in my eyes. And a flask. Definitely a flask.

LIVE IDOL! Archuleta, Daly Both in Trouble

As soon as I woke up this morning, I told the Forever Fiancee how beautiful she is. Then I volunteered to give the kids baths when I get home from work. Then I gave the FF a hot smooch and offered to call out for Chinese tonight.

Why was I so amorous, so dreamy, so husbandly perfecto?

'Cause it's Idol Night, my friends. And my family hates Idol Night. Despises it. Can't stand a second. Idol Night means Daddy spends two hours telling everyone to shoosh so he can hear the tender nuance in Amanda Overmyer's caterwauling. It means Daddy will be sitting at the computer writing dumb jokes about male strippers while Mommy puts both crying kids to bed. The things I do to entertain you people.

Yes, Idol is a whopping two hours tonight, starting at 8 p.m. The Final 11 will be covering more Beatles songs. Which means Carly Smithson just might wail Oh! Darling after all -- and wee David Archuleta just might soil his Underoos at the thought of butchering more Lennon-McCartney. America gave the show favorite a pass last week when he blanked on We Can Work It Out. But if he screws up again this week, you'll see the Chosen One lose serious votes. Let chaos reign! I love it.

As always, we'll have the Pop Life Idol Chat raging right here. Last week we tallied 244 deliciously snarky comments during the show, an outpouring of madcappery that lit up cyberspace with joy. So come on back tonight and bring a friend! See you at 8!

IDOL RECAP: Hernandez Stripped of Glory

Despite my snotty, snippy snark, I thoroughly enjoyed American Idol's salute to the Fab Four on Tuesday. And that's a good thing, 'cause on Wednesday's boot-off show, Seacresty announced they're doing ANOTHER Lennon-McCartney tribute next week. Awesome! I can't wait to see Brooke White sing "Love Me Do" in just a dandelion crown and unwashed paisley tunic. Ugh, I can't stand barefoot hippie girl.

But apparently America disagrees with me. 'Cause she wasn't one of the Bottom Three last night. I predicted Polynesian Pixie Ramiele Malubay would get the boot. But she wasn't one of the Biggest Losers either. I obviously suck at predictions. Seriously, at this point I couldn't guess my own weight. ("Um, 150 pounds?")

Instead, here were THE BOTTOM THREE: Syesha Mercado, Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez

And who was DOINKING #12? DAVID HERNANDEZ

I think Paula summed it up perfectly when she said, "I've never seen a more stronger final three." Yep, "more stronger." Well said, Paula, well said. As for Hernandez, the former male stripper had a brave exit line as well, confidently saying, "You'll see me at the top." Sure, sure...unless you pay him "extra" to see the bottom. Good night, ladies and gentleman!

QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: Help!

"Ladies and gentleman...the Beatles!" (Ahem, as performed by the Top 12 contestants on American Idol Tuesday night.)

SYESHA MERCADO, "Got to Get You Into My Life" -- Earth, Wind & Fire, baby! Excellent version. She was nervous, but not too shabby. I grew up with that song. Of course, I also grew up with Helen Reddy. Things are starting to make sense about me, aren't they?

CHIKEZIE, "She's a Woman" -- "I'm putting my own funk on it," Chikezie says. Funk? FUNK?? Am I in a parallel universe? I was waiting for Jon Voight to drill the banjo picker with an arrow to the chest. (Kids, go rent "Deliverance.")

RAMIELE MALUBAY, "In My Life" -- Who else spit out their ice cream when they saw the crowd doing the "swaying arms" bit? Hi-larious. In related news: Unless you starred in "Gone With the Wind," it's tough to look cool walking down a staircase. She's finished.

JASON CASTRO, "If I Fell" -- Dude, you have bugs buzzing around your crappy-ass dreadlocks. You also make dumb faces. HOWEVER, there isn't another Idolist with better self-awareness than you, Kmart Jack Johnson. You're gonna do just fine.

CARLY SMITHSON, "Come Together" -- Did her voice sound different? And did her voice sound better? I'd still like to see Carly bite the head off a bat, or something edgy, but she's getting a LOT better.

DAVID COOK, "Eleanor Rigby" -- There's a good-bad scenario going on here. First of all, Skeezy Guy's Nickelback-does-"Eleanor Rigby" schtick gave me the creeps. Sorry, but it's true. However, I hear he can get you really good Cheap Trick tickets, if you'll just follow him down that dark alley over there...

BROOKE WHITE, "Let It Be" -- Bare feet! Bare feet! I predicted that!!! Not you, me. I totally have this sister-mary-margaret hippie chick pegged. [Big breath] I dunno. I guess it was fine. But let's be honest: Steve Spears could squat behind a Steinway and grunt out a good rendition of "Let It Be." It's foolproof.

DAVID HERNANDEZ, "I Saw Her Standing There" -- Wow, that really sucked. It's weird how he didn't sound convincing singing about a hot chick. Really, um, weird.

AMANDA OVERMYER, "You Can't Do That" -- Screw Simon. That was her best performance yet. And I should know. 'Cause I'm, like, a music critic with credentials and, uh, stuff.

MICHAEL JOHNS, "Across the Universe" -- One of my favorite Beatles songs. Not a bad take, but he should have gone smaller, not bigger. Because it's a quiet, contemplative tune. (See? I can be serious sometimes, baby. I can be sincere. Of course this isn't a one-night stand.)

KRISTY LEE COOK, "Eight Days a Week" -- Turning it into a country song wasn't a terrible idea. However, why did she make it so fast, like wacky hillbilly chase music? Jeez, I hope the Clampetts get away okay. If there was a bright spot for Ramiele Malubay tonight, it's that Kristy and Hernandez were even worse.

DAVID ARCHULETA, "We Can Work It Out" -- Whoa, the Chosen One forgot the lyrics! That's a death sentence! Ha! Let's see 'em sell that on iTunes! I love it. I love this show. And I love you, ladies and gentlemen. See you tomorrow night!

LIVE IDOL! Butchering the Beatles

You say you want a Revolution? What if it's performed by a skeezy dude on American Idol? After securing rights to perform classics from the Lennon-McCartney songbook, our national televised obsession will have its top 12 singers honor the Beatles tonight.

Kristy Lee Cook covering Sir Paul? Sounds like a long and winding nightmare. However, because we all care far too much about Idol, I've decided to offer a few Fab suggestions to help the final 12 choose the right Beatles song (feel free to play along):

Back in the U.S.S.R., Amanda Overmyer (You don't know how lucky you are, girl. Rock it hard.)

Across the Universe, David Archuleta (If Bambi sings this, Paula will be a puddle.)

With a Little Help From My Friends, Kristy Lee Cook (And a lot of help from her bra.)

Got to Get You Into My Life, Chikezie (The Earth, Wind & Fire version!)

Help!, David Cook (Plug in the axe and blues it up, dirtball.)

And I Love Her, Jason Castro (As if Joe Clambake hasn't seduced enough coeds.)

Mother Nature's Son, Brooke White ('Cause hippie-dippie is just dying to perform barefoot.)

I'm Looking Through You, Michael Johns (Unleash the fury, pretty boy. "You're not the same!")

Get Back, Ramiele Malubay (The singing lawn gnome needs to get back her passion.)

Oh! Darling, Carly Smithson (If she nails this pop plea, she'll go from safe to sensational.)

Drive My Car, Syesha Mercado (The more "beep beeps" the better.)

Come Together, David Hernandez (Make it grindy enough, and even Simon will throw singles.)

We'll be chatting it up here starting at 8 p.m. So bring a six-pack of snark and something to snack on!

LIVE IDOL! And Then There Were 12

So tonight we found out American Idol's Final 12. Not a lot of shockers, but some fairly decent drama. In order to highlight my Nostradamus-like prognosticating, here were my predicted doinkings:

Luke "Kmart Orlando Bloom" Menard is definitely gone. And because he ignored the healing power of James Ingram, Chikezie will no doubt follow. Those are my official answers. HOWEVER, if I'm David Cook, I didn't sleep too well last night.

As for the girls, Amanda Overmyer-Daly has reversed her fortunes with blazing overnight speed. She's now a wounded animal, the odd duck, and America digs an underdog. Amanda will be around next week. Kady Malloy, however, is screwed. Vapid blond Kristy Lee Cook should follow, but here's my UPSET SPECIAL: Kmart Whitney Houston Asia'h Epperson gets the boot. Those Higgins pants last night didn't do her any favors.

Was I right? Let's see...

GOODBYE #1: KADY MALLOY: "Who Wants to Live Forever." Yep, once again Idol loooves irony. I kinda liked Kady. Really I did. And when the sexy lil' impressionist makes a buddy comedy with that noisemaking dude from "Police Academy," I'll be the first in line to buy tickets.

GOODBYE #2: LUKE MENARD: Luke is so successfully milquetoast, he's rendered me zingerless. So who's the real loser here? Well played, Mr. Menard. Well played.

GOODBYE #3: ASIA'H EPPERSON: I have very few victories in life. So forgive me, Asia'h, for celebrating your cruel ousting. But alas: Let the upset special, shine a light on me!

GOODBYE #4: DANNY NORIEGA: Wow, I can't wait to check out Danny's NEXT YouTube rant. By the way, did you see Chikezie dancing at the end of the show? Hilarious. You'd think he had a winning Lotto ticket in his pocket. And who knows? Maybe he does.

HERE'S YOUR TOP 12: David Cook, David Archuleta, Jason Castro, Brooke White, Syesha Mercado, David Hernandez, Michael Johns, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson, Amanda Overmyer, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie.

IDOL RECAP: Leather Tuscadero Lives!

It was the gals' turn to crank out the '80s tunes on "American Idol" Wednesday. How did they do? Who rocked? Who tanked? Well, let's just say Amanda Overmyer can start practicing "Revolution" for next week's Beatles show.

ASIA'H EPPERSON: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." Nice, peppy rendition. But why was she wearing Higgins' pants from "Magnum P.I."? Zeus! Apollo! Patrol!

KADY MALLOY: Kady Malloy covering Freddie Mercury is a lot like me playing the lead in a [THIS PUNCHLINE HAS BEEN EDITED FOR CONTENT. PLEASE INSERT YOUR OWN JOKE AT SEAN'S EXPENSE].

AMANDA OVERMYER: Was I the only one getting a Leather Tuscadero vibe? My badass Biker Nurse is still uncomfortable onstage, but there were great gobs of sexy in her rendition of Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You." Hot, very hot. The Fonz would approve.

CARLY SMITHSON: Not the Cyndi we expected, but Lauper nonetheless. Good, safe, fine...yawn.

KRISTY LEE COOK: Cook needs a better brand of shoe polish for her eyebrows. But hey, we finally got a little Journey. And I do mean a little.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Now THAT's a Phil Collins song. Alas, the Polynesian Pixie gussied up "Against All Odds" instead of delivering it as a suckerpunch. You need to suffer that song. For instance, when I sing it, I like to rip out a patch of chest hair.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke is so sensitive, so natural, so deep. Ugh. I bet she wears a big, floppy hat when she goes to the beach.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha's legs made me wanna pull a Costner and "Bodyguard" her out of there. Solid performance, sensational stems.

LIVE IDOL! Two Words: Samantha Fox

Dear Amanda Overmyer: You know when you're driving (um, sober), and your El Camino starts to skid, and you're supposed to turn into the skid, just go with it? Well...we're on some wicked ice here, honey. You already have the DUI arrest; plus there might be nudie shots on the way. So this is what we're gonna do tonight when the American Idol girls honor the '80s: You're gonna go raunchy. The guys were a buncha wussies Tuesday. How can eight dudes do '80s covers and not one of them busts out Motley Crue? Or Van Halen? Jeez, I woulda settled for a little Journey. Buncha lame-os.

But you're gonna right their wrongs, Amanda Overmyer. 'Cause you're going to cover Samantha Fox's Naughty Girls (Need Love Too). You heard me. Embrace your inner-wild child! TURN INTO THE SKID AND ACCELERATE, YOU CRAZY BIKER NURSE!!! That's your only move at this point. You do that, and I promise you're in the Top 12. You'd also be safe with Lita Ford's Kiss Me Deadly. Or that geisha song by Berlin. My Forever Fiancee says you should do a Pretenders tune (Middle of the Road, ha!), and that would work, too. Whatever the case, do not play it safe. Trust me. No one wants to be Kristy Lee Cook. Love, Sean Daly

The American Idol chat starts here tonight at 8 p.m. (If you're here for the Steve Spears intervention, that begins immediately after.) Please join us for constant zingers and only the freshest snark. The buzz is telling me this could be the most glorious chat ever. See you tonight! And go Amanda!

QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: '80s Night Shakedown

Great chunks of my '80s youth were spent contemplating the logistics of Captain Lou Albano's rubberband beard. Great chunks of my '00s have been spent watching "American Idol." Great chunks of my '10s will no doubt be spent sobbing and trying to build a time machine to correct my wasted life.

Here's what happened on Tuesday's "AI" men's showdown...

LUKE MENARD -- Wow, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" straight outta the chute. Kmart Orlando Bloom didn't even ease into the '80s with a little Kajagoogoo or Lisa Lisa. This guy stinks, but he's got chutzpah.

DAVID ARCHULETA -- If Archuleta weren't asexual like the common earthworm, that story about his mom woulda scored him tons of chicks. In related news, "Another Day in Paradise" is a lousy Phil Collins song, but he'll survive.

DANNY "TMTH" NORIEGA -- "Tainted Love"! Awesome choice. On the strength of his purple highlights alone, the Red Roof Inn in Reno, Nevada, immediately started building the Danny Noriega Experience.

DAVID HERNANDEZ -- First of all, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" is hardly an '80s song. However, if I try hard enough, I'm pretty sure I can shoehorn that into a male-stripper joke.

MICHAEL JOHNS -- Way to embrace the '80s, dude. Nicely done. Plus it was good to see someone other than Mandisa sweat profusely on "Idol." Speaking of perspiration, Steve Spears and I went to a buffet today. Instead of a waiter coming to the table, they sent a towel boy. Thank you and goodnight!

DAVID COOK -- He needed his mighty axe to play...Lionel Richie's "Hello"? Oh well, at the very least, he totally has the blind sculptor vote all wrapped up.

JASON CASTRO -- Wow, "Hallelujah." That's a monster. I dunno if he was "absolutely brilliant," but the Jack Johnson clone deserves to make the final 12.

CHIKEZIE -- Duuude, James Ingram was sitting there, waiting to be immortalized by your golden tones. But you go out of your way to rework a crummy Whitney track? Nice knowing ya, buddy.

LIVE IDOL! Mugshots, Male Strippers, Etc.

Here's my awesome conspiracy theory: American Idol producers knew damn well that (1) biker-nurse Amanda Overmyer was busted for DUI and (2) milquetoast belter David Hernandez was a dancer in a gay strip club. In fact, the AI folks are so savvy, they knew the dirt would break exactly when people were getting bored with the show, ripping into it for being the worst crop of talent-averse dopes yet. I hope they don't kick them off to juice controversy. Amanda is my dream date, and I'm not ready to give her up (although the DUI rap is hard to ignore). And yes, Hernandez sucks, but who cares who he gives lapdances to.

Anyway, for those reasons and more, this should be a pretty watchable week. First of all, it's all '80s music. The guys go tonight at 8 p.m., the girls tomorrow, the Top 12 revealed on Thursday's vote-off show. My pals here at the St. Pete Times have predicted who will sing which Bon Jovi nugget -- and which '80s songs should be banned altogether. Good stuff, so check 'em out.

Per usual, we'll have a live chat going on here in the comments section tonight at 8 p.m. Look for America's sweetheart Steve Spears, the King of the '80s, to stop by, put a lampshade on his head and harmlessly flirt with your wife. All in good fun, folks, all in good fun. See you tonight!

QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: More Doinkings!

I really enjoy American Idol's vote-off shows. And not just for the obvious reason of watching young people getting their dreams crushed. There's a certain soul-cleansing as Ryan Seacrest slyly dispatches each talent-averse tear factory. My week suddenly feels unburdened by a certain warbly weight. I dunno. Maybe that's just me.

On Thursday, four more singers were eliminated, bringing the tally to a still-flabby 16. Next Thursday, we'll have our Top 12. And then, thankfully, hopefully, we'll go down to two shows a week.

As for tonight, I predicted that Amanda Overmyer and Kady Malloy, and Luke Menard and Jason Yeager would be going home.

Was I correct? Not really...

GOODBYE #1: JASON YEAGER: Yep, that ridiculous skunk-stripe sign of solidarity with Amanda Overmyer really did the trick. Jason can now go back to stealing my high-school girlfriend and making fun of me in gym class. Serves you right, you handsome SOB.

GOODBYE #2: ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: You're never a loser with the last name of Lushington. However, you are a loser if you sob like David Archuleta.

GOODBYE #3: ALAINA WHITAKER: "I can't sing!" Wow, that was good television. Plus her weepy rendition of "Hopelessly Devoted to You" was better than her dry-eyed one. In related news, I hope Danny Noriega never watches "Old Yeller."

GOODBYE #4: ROBBIE CARRICO: Like I always say, if you're gonna go out, go out while wearing an oversized skull T-shirt that essentially sealed your deathly fate the second you pulled it on. "American Idol" loooves irony, dude.

QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: Why, Amanda, Why?!

Let's take a moment to remember Amanda Overmyer's hair when it was merely large. You know, before a stylist made her look like a sunflower in a third-grade play. Anyway, here are the Top 10 girls from Wednesday's night's '70s-themed "American Idol":

CARLY SMITHSON: She has wicked ink, pours a mean pint and isn't afraid to "shimmy" to Heart. So why am I bored by the Irish belter? I mean, my name's Sean Daly. I should be proposing by now.

SYESHA MERCADO: Roller coaster of emotions on this one. Had no idea she starred in that commercial for our local beaches. Very cool. Then she did that Exorcistian baby impression. Not cool. Not cool at all.

BROOKE WHITE: She annoys me, but the choice of "You're So Vain" made sense. After all, she might be the only person with a toothy maw as wide as Carly Simon's.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Between the hula dance and the disco inferno, the Polynesian Pixie immediately became a fave in the Daly manse.

KRISTY LEE COOK: Makes me long for the sophistication and nuance of Kellie Pickler.

AMANDA OVERMYER: I once dated a Panama Jack salesgirl in Ocean City, Md. Before she keyed my car and threatened to stab me, we had some really hot times. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.

ALAINA WHITAKER: We learned a couple things during this fine performance: (1) We should all listen to more Olivia Newton-John and (2) Randy Jackson is responsible for all the evil in the world.

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: True confession: When Alexandrea kicked into Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now," I involuntarily yelped, "Oooh, awesome!" I figure the Forever Fiancee will fill out the palimony papers in the morning.

KADY MALLOY: With all those impressions, Kady's a regular Rich Little, isn't she? She's not too good on "Idol," but she'd kill on "Match Game."

ASIA'H EPPERSON: I think my four-week-old summed up the night rather eloquently when, upon show's completion, she urped Similac down the front of her onesie.

LIVE IDOL! Will Amanda Feather Her 'Do?

Maybe it was the bottle of wine. Or maybe it was the Andy Gibb. Or maybe it was the second bottle of wine. But I rather enjoyed Tuesday night's American Idol, when the Top 10 boys busted out the hits of the '70s. Sure, only a few of the dudes were any good (yeah, yeah, I know, you loooove David Archuleta), but still, I was perversely entertained.

Tonight should be even better, as retro-coiffed bad girl Amanda Overmyer and the rest of Cowell's Angels do up the Have a Nice Decade. I'm thinking my Biker Nurse With a Heart o' Gold sings American Woman. Or maybe Freebird, which would totally get her the "video flames." You get the flames behind you, you advance. As simple as that, Amanda. As simple as that.

Anyway, we had a swell chat last night. Some new faces, some old faces, some thinly veiled innuendo from loyal reader Sparky. A hot time indeed. So please join us in the comments section tonight at 8 p.m. for more Idol chatter. Bonus points if you wear platform shoes, bell-bottom jeans and a nik-nik shirt.

QUICKIE IDOL RECAP: That '70s Show

It was '70s Night on American Idol Tuesday, so at least the song selection rocked. But was anybody better than mildly crappy? Here's what happened to the Top 10 boys:

MICHAEL JOHNS: I hate to work blue, but during Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way," the Down Under Dreamboat bounced around like he had to take a whiz. Great song, so-so performance.

JASON CASTRO: Andy Gibb! Very nice. Castro has that Jack Johnson thing going on. The king of the campfire, the Don Juan of the dunes. I'd totally make out with him at the clambake.

LUKE MENARD: You're part of an a cappella group, you say? Wow, that's, um, really interesting. Yeah, hey, Luke, I think I forgot something in my car. Yeah, that's it, my car. I'll be right back.

ROBBIE CARRICO: The Idol band didn't do this dope any favors by choking on the "Hot Blooded" guitar parts. C'mon, people, embrace the power chord!

DANNY NORIEGA: "America would be surprised to learn that..." Oh, you know where I'm going with this. Snark amongst yourselves.

DAVID HERNANDEZ: Sorry, dude, America is NOT surprised to learn that you wore tights as a child. Oh, and why does he insist on bleaching the coolest songs in the pop canon? If this guy is considered the cream of the crop this season, we're in big trouble.

JASON YEAGER: All of a sudden, I feel much more comfortable on the dance floor. (The FF kinda liked him. Ewwww!)

CHIKEZIE: From one chubby dude to another, you gotta watch out for the man-boob shirts. Seriously, bra -- I mean, bro.

DAVID COOK: My pal Jeff in Cuba describes this guy's hairdo as "the Skullet." I can't do much better than that.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Did you hear the girl scream "Marry me!"? Or was that Danny Noriega?