Carrie Underpants! Underwood gets leggy on CMAs with grindy 'Cowboy Casanova'

This is about as suggestive as Carrie Underwood gets. She could have used more of that hip swivel on her ho-hum new album.

'Fearless' picks for tonight's CMA Awards

 

If Taylor Swift doesn't win Entertainer of the Year at tonight's CMAs (ABC, 8 p.m.), I'll streak the Dallas Bull. AVERT YOUR EYES!

DALY TV: Talkin' Adam Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Weezer...and sippy cups?

Wow, you are about to witness some really BAD hair. We're talking Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman action, my friends. Rest assured I rocked SupaCuts this weekend, and no longer have such an atrocious mop. But alas, before the shearing, I taped not one, but two rollicking segments with ABC music savant John Thomas. The bit you're about to see deals with November's new pop music releases. There's also a riotous Christmas seggie lurking out there as well. You want a fun drinking game? Every time I blurt a non sequitur (for instance: "sippy cups"), hoist a beverage. At the very least, it'll make for interesting television. YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!

REVIEW: Carrie Underwood's new album 'Play On' gets a C+...for now

 

Carrie Underwood and I have a complicated relationship.

READ ABOUT OUR TWISTED LOVE.

Wolfmother, Weezer and a Whole Lotta Lambert: 10 cool fall album releases

As well as being Jerry Lee Lewis’ 74th birthday — go get ’em, Killer! — next Tuesday kickstarts what could be a very cha-chingy season of music sales. Mariah Carey, Madonna and Barbra Streisand all have new platters out on the same day, and much hullabaloo will be made about that. (Look for Mimi’s Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel to top Madge’s Celebration and Babs’ Love Is the Answer at the cash registers.)

I’m much more excited about other goodies on the fall schedule. So here you go, SD's Ten Most Intriguing Autumn Albums:

Miranda Lambert, Revolution (Sept. 29) First single Dead Flowers is way too tame for this crossbow-totin’ country gal. But here’s hoping Ran terrorizes a couple of exes before she’s done.

Karen O and the Kids, Where the Wild Things Are (Sept. 29) I have squishy feelings about Spike Jonze’s big-screen take on Sendak’s classic. But having the Yeah Yeah Yeahs bizarress — and Jonze’s gal pal — do the soundtrack is daring. “Let the wild rumpus start!”

Bob Dylan, Christmas in the Heart (Oct. 13) Zimmy’s late-career Bing Crosby fetish reaches its peak. Positively 34th Street?

Daryl Hall & John Oates, Do What You Want, Be What You Are (Oct. 13)  A 4CD set of Philly soul, FM bliss and final proof that Oates never should have shaved the ’stache.

Weezer, Raditude (Oct. 27) With the help of unlikely hip-hop pals Jermaine Dupri and Dr. Luke, awesomely unstable Rivers Cuomo continues his search for the perfect power-pop formula.

Wolfmother, Cosmic Egg (Oct. 27) After shedding his old mates, Aussie hairball Andrew Stockdale forges on with three dudes well-versed in heavy metal, Led Zep and puffy unicorn stickers.

Various Artists, Glee: The Music (Nov. 3) From Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ to Kanye West’s Gold Digger, Fox’s hit show about losers in tune takes pop hits and reinvents them with robust choral cheek. In a related note: Isn’t it time the great Jane Lynch won an Emmy?

Carrie Underwood, Play On (Nov. 3) True confession: I gave Underwood’s 2007 album Carnival Ride a D grade. Two years later, I have four songs from that disc on my iPod. I will never underestimate the Nashville nymph’s seductive powers again.

Norah Jones, The Fall (Nov. 17) With her opium-haze voice and toasty piano style, Miss Jones walks that tricky tightrope between lulling and numbing. The good news — well, for us at least — is that this one is a break-up special with angry guitar.

Adam Lambert, TBD (Nov. 24) In the new ish of Rolling Stone, there’s a wicked shot of  last year’s AI runner-up howling in the recording studio. Sweet! We want our Lamby to raise a hellhound ruckus on his debut disc. Bring the noise, baby!

Carrie Underwood: New song 'Cowboy Casanova' (new album out Nov. 3)

In case you can't tell from this teaser, Carrie Underwood's new album, Play On, comes out on Nov. 3. Whattaya think?

American Idol auditions in Orlando! Register today! Bring a Speedo and your Dad's mugshot!

This is it, the big day, your first pivotal step to fame, fortune and a sweet catfight with Kara DioGuardi! Starting at 6 a.m. today, registration for local American Idol auditions will run for 48 straight  hours at Orlando’s Amway Arena. Once you get your magic wristband, you’ll be all set to warble almighty at Thursday’s auditions for the show’s ninth season.

We’ve provided important logistical information for all you future Fantasias (see below); we also strongly suggest checking out the labyrinthine rules at americanidol.com.

But while those regulations are crucial, we’d like to offer a few secret audition tips. Yes, we enjoy ridiculing people on Idol. But we’re talking Sunshine State pride here, and we want our FLA brethren to shine on Thursday!

So allow me to help you get to the American Idol Promised Land, which looks not unlike Paula Abdul’s shiny cleavage.

Tip No. 1 If you’re big and you’re hairy and you simply want to get on TV, wear a bikini. This goes for men and women. Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell did the vampy thing last year, so producers want a twist on the trend. You won’t get to Hollywood, but your hirsute bodaciousness will make prime time. I can already see the zany bikini montage now. Look! Chewbacca in a thong! Genius!

Tip No. 2 If you’re really in it to win it, sing Sam Cooke. This is the best advice I’ll give all day. You’ll get scolded for attempting to match Whitney, Celine, Aretha. But Idol rewards those who cover — even screeech (see Lambert, Adam) — the greatest R&B singer of all time. Can’t go wrong with A Change Is Gonna Come or You Send Me. In a related matter, you also can’t go wrong with having a Dad in prison. Always a bonus!

Tip No. 3 If you’re attractive  but your pipes are only mediocre, don’t dress sleazy to overcompensate. That only works while charming music critics. Instead, try the old Humble Hottie routine. Producers will provide plenty of G-rated Allens and Archuletas. But a lot of us watch for subtle tongue-waggers Kellie Pickler and Ace Young, too.

Tip No. 4 Please, for the love of Simon Cowell’s man-bosoms, don’t get a case of the vocal runs. Producers look for unique voices — not someone who sounds like Mariah Carey trapped in a Cuisinart. Instead of shattering octaves, you’d be better off gaining weight, growing a beard and rocking a ’kini. Trust me.
 
Tip No. 5 If I’m doing my math correctly, producers will be on the lookout for either (1) a dynamic R&B entertainer with flash (aka the Michael Jackson effect) (2) a cutie-next-door with a big voice a la Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood and (3) a vaguely cocky rocker a la Chris Daughtry, David Cook and Adam Lambert. If you happen to be any of those, get to Orlando pronto.

And if you see me, say hello. I’ll be the dude in the pink Speedo.

Registration for American Idol tryouts in Orlando are today and Wednesday at Amway Arena; auditions will be held on Thursday. Registration will begin at 6 a.m. and will continue for 48 hours; only one person in line with you through registration.

You must have two forms of ID that show proof of your age and a photograph; if you are under 18, you must be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Amway Arena, 600 W Amelia St., Orlando. (407) 849-2558. http://www.orlandovenues.net/. Parking is $5.

Idol Follies: Associated Press