Silver and gold, but no medals for these two

Let's be honest. There are no guys who can pull off wearing shiny pants and look good (with the notable exception of David Bowie, below). I'm afraid that this style, as sported by Marco (left) and Robert Perez last night (9/4) at the Castle, just isn't working for me.

I can't even begin to comment on the atrocities that are trying to pass as shirts. Seriously, shoulder pads? Is this the first sign of a new wave of Kentucky Derby-inspired fashion?

Instead, let's focus on the pants. Here we have sequins that look like they were ripped off the dress that my great-grandma wears to go ballroom dancing and wrapping-paper-shiny gold pants that even MC Hammer would (hopefully) refuse to wear.

I could give them some slack if this was another new crazy trend that would fade out in a couple months but the fact is it already died nearly 20 years ago! Even Duran Duran learned to tone it down a bit. I'm not saying that they need to wear only neutral colors and blend into the crowd, but something that doesn't remind me of the worst R.E.M. song in history would be nice.

Even the photo looks terrible because I had to tone down my flash so it wouldn't reflect back off their legs and burn my retinas.

It's not face liner, people

There are so many things wrong here, but let's just focus on the glaring one. Eyeliner. It's not meant to be applied all over the face, but rather just to the eyes. That's why they don't call it face liner.

Apparently, Annona has decided against common sense since she was at The Castle with makeup slabbed over her face in a style that makes Jackson Pollack's art look organized.

I don't mind a little liberal use of it (I absolutely love it when women do the Siouxsie Sioux look) but if you're wearing sunglasses, I shouldn't be able to see your eyeliner coming out from behind them and wrapping around your face like Spanish moss. Plus, why is she wearing  sunglasses at night? Does she need to see the light that's right before her eyes? Sorry, I can't resist a Corey Hart reference.

Just because you're going to a gothic nightclub doesn't mean you get to take a vacation from sensibility. Also, use water proof eyeliner next time if you're going to dance, sweetheart. You have tackiness bleeding down your cheeks. I only say it because I care. Wipe off some of the black stuff and take off those sunglasses and you'll be looking right as rain.

What the duck!

When I think of Ybor companions, I think of getting a couple of the guys together for a night of drinking or taking a girl out to dance the night away. I can't say I've ever thought of putting a large plastic duck on a leash and dragging it behind me everywhere I go.

But this is what I saw at The Castle on Friday night. Meet "Stitches" -- the guy who was dragging around the aforementioned duck, who remains nameless.

I understand that he's dressing up to try and be different and unique but it just ends up looking like he's trying way too hard to be original. As far as clothing goes kids, taking a brand new shirt and ripping it to shreds doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look trashy enough to be Paris Hilton's new boyfriend (It also ruins a perfectly good shirt!).

I feel sorry for that duck though. It's being dragged around town so much that the bottom is starting to wear out. I only hope that protective services will one day take it and put it in a loving home.

Even Kanye looks horrible in these

Seriously, no one looks cool in these. I can't even think of a lamer fashion trend that's going around. They have no functionality at all, and it makes people look like they're wearing a pair of window shades. They always seem to be in bright neon colors too, which only serves to remind me of the neon plastic glasses I got from Pizza Hut when I was a kid as toy from Back to the Future. The only difference is that those were cool.

I'm not even going to touch the outfit.