Tuesday's column on Monday! (But just remember, it's April 1)

SENATOR QUITS: The sponsor of a measure allowing Florida teachers to espouse “alternatives” to the theory of evolution announced today she is resigning from the Legislature to pursue a degree in paleontology.

State Sen. Ronda Storms, R-Brandon, said she has changed her mind about evolution and hopes to be able to build a model of a T. rex in the lobby of the state Capitol.

In reply, the president of the state Association of Science Teachers announced plans to enter a seminary.

SCHOOL LOTTO: The state has announced a plan to place automatic lottery-ticket vending machines in all Florida schools, so that young people “can help finance their own education.”

“If we’re going to fund the problems of this state, we need to get citizens into the gambling habit earlier,” Gov. Charlie Crist announced.

In related news, the Florida Lottery announced its “Sign It Over” game, in which players can sign over mortgages and car titles for tickets. The odds of winning are not increased.

LOCAL MAN BAILED OUT: The Federal Reserve Board voted this week to rescue debt-ridden Jeremy Slotovonick of Hudson, Fla., in an attempt to support the nation’s troubled economy.

Slotovonick, 32, had amassed several thousand dollars in credit-card debt for video games and pizza deliveries. “We cannot afford for the Jeremys of the world to fall,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke announced.

Markets rallied in response and several chairmen of Wall Street firms were awarded multi-million-dollar bonuses.

REALITY CHECK: Gov. Charlie Crist accidentally read part of the state budget and briefly engaged in pessimism, state officials said.

During the pessimism, which sources said lasted for several minutes, Crist bemoaned not only the state’s financial condition, but also its failure to solve the insurance and tax problems.

Alert aides quickly distracted the governor.

HIGHER ED  REFORM:  University degrees in Florida will be awarded by a private contractor using correspondence courses, the state Legislature has decided.

The vendor, the “University of Freddy,” is a non-accredited institution in a basement in Pensacola, causing some critics to question whether Florida is losing its commitment to higher education.

“Not at all,” replied state Senate President Ken Pruitt. “And as a bonus, “anybody with anything that says ‘UF’ on it won’t have to change.”

BASEBALL BUCKS: The owners of the Tampa Bay Rays announced they have changed their minds and want to put up the entire $450-million cost of a new baseball stadium out of their own pockets.

“We were just kidding about getting the public to sell off land and commit future tax dollars,” a team spokesman said. “We’ve had the money in the bank all along.”

In related baseball news, New York Yankees executive Hank Steinbrenner declared that “no other teams should play hard against us this year.”

MEDIA LAPSE: A motion was filed in the Hulk Hogan divorce case this week without receiving extensive local media coverage. Red-faced media officials apologized for the lapse and called it “a one-time oversight.”

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