Ways to fix the America's Cup

So, I got up early this week started whipping up a five-star breakfast with eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, pancakes, freshly  picked grapefruit and freshly squeezed orange juice. (Okay, to be honest, I got up late and ripped open a package of blueberry Pop-Tarts.)

But I did get up to watch the America's Cup. We have a local guy (St. Petersburg's Ed Baird) driving one boat and I thought I'd at least try to get fired up even though I don’t know which side is port and which side is starburst … or whatever it's called.

It started at 8:30 a.m. I lost interest at about 8:30:16. Seriously, do people actually get into this? I mean, like a lot of people? I can't imagine. But I'm willing to give the America’s Cup one more chance if they would only agree to make some changes. So here are my ways to improve the America's Cup.

Cannons
  That's right. Mount a cannon on the port side (or starfish or whatever way is facing the other guy's boat) and fire away. So even if someone has a big lead going down the stretch, that lead can be erased if the side of the boat gets a hole the size of a, well, cannonball. But you just don't get as many cannonballs as you can haul. Make it like the NFL's replay system. You only get three cannonballs, so you must use them wisely.

Submerged mines
These yachts take off and then they just race to the end. Just race. That's it. Boring. At least track and field was smart enough to add hurdles and stuff. Well, we can't very well put hurdles in the water, but we can put mines. Those are kind of like hurdles. The difference is if you trip on a hurdle, you get back up. If you trip a mine, you have an instant burial at sea. So we can't load up these mines with too much oomph. Just make them strong enough to puncture a hole in the bottom of the boat. So, it goes like this. Race starts. One boat gets big lead. Boat goes boom. Guys start swimming. Hilarity ensues.

Call it the Deadliest Cup
Ever see that show on the Discovery Channel called the Deadliest Catch? That  show is awesome. So why not combine America's Cup with a cool show like that? Instead of just racing, you have to catch crabs along the way. The more crabs you catch, the more time you get to shave off of your final score. Come home empty and you get penalized. I don't know, get some smart math guy in there to figure out all the particulars.

Same venue
The great thing about college baseball is the World Series is played every year in Omaha, Neb. Ah, you can hear it now, "Oregon State is on the road to Omaha.'' Or, "North Carolina is looking to get on the road to Omaha.'' Or, "Sister Mary of the Helpless can't find the road to Omaha.'' So, I propose the America's Cup is held in one place — the Bering Sea. Yeah, I hear it's rough there. And, yes, I realize the boats are made of fiberglass. Yes, I realize that rough seas and fiberglass boats are not a good combination. "The boats could break apart piece by piece,'' you say. Yeah, yeah, now you’re starting to get it.

Motors
I guess you could say that using a motor in a sail race is like a home run hitter using the juice. I'm not looking to give one team complete advantage, just a little extra boost when they desperately need it. So here's the idea: each team only gets one gallon of gas for the above-mentioned motor. Like the cannons, use it wisely.

Pirates
Load the ships with treasure and then set bands of pirates loose on the course. Tell the pirates they get to keep what they can steal. Of course, we can arm the America's Cup teams with swords and we’ve already given them cannons. Swashbuckling sword fights on the deck as boats race to a finish line? Oh, this is gold. Disney can get involved and make a movie and a thrill ride and action figures. The possibilities are endless.

Add shark cages … and sharks
Man goes inside cage. Cage goes in the water. Shark in the water. Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Hey, anytime you add sharks, you add viewers. It's a television fact.

Harpoons
I'm not exactly sure what to do with the harpoons, but I'm pretty sure harpoons can be used for something. This idea remains a work in progress.

Strip sailing
Just like strip poker. Lose a race and a piece of clothing comes off. Of course, who wants to see a bunch of naked sailors? So — and here’s the genius part — we add celebrities. One team has, say, Brad Pitt and Jessica Biel and the other team has Orlando Bloom and Jessica Alba.

Well, that's about it. I can't think of anything else … well, anything else that's not illegal or wouldn't get an angry letter from PETA. I'm still working on it. Hopefully, I'll be able to get it all hammered out by the next America’s Cup, which will be held in …  either Omaha or the Bering Sea.

Oh, pick me, pick me

I'm not an NBA draft expert, but I play one on this blog. (Well, actually, what I did was look at about hundred mock drafts and came up with a consensus on which player might go where in tonight's draft. And on a couple, I just flat-out guessed.

So who goes first? Is it Ohio State big man Greg Oden (he's the big dude on the right) or silky-smooth swingman Kevin Durant (the silky-smooth guy on the left) from Texas?

Durant is the better player, the more polished player right now. His transition to the NBA should be smoother than Oden, who remains a bit of a project. A project with immense potential, but still a project. For the next couple of years, whoever takes Durant will likely seem to have gotten the better of the deal. But once Oden finds himself, most believe he will have the bigger impact in the long run. The bottom line is dominant centers are so hard to find in the NBA and that's why Oden will likely be the first pick.

As one NBA executive put it in the Salt Lake Tribune: "If you want to win a championship, you pick Bill Russell. If you want to win some (regular-season) games, you take Kevin Garnett.'' What’s that mean? Take Oden

So here's my mock draft. Just please remember that one goofball trade will throw this whole thing out of whack. But, for what it's worth, here goes:

1. Portland: Greg Oden, center, Ohio State
Can’t pass up a big man like this.

2. Seattle: Kevin Durant, forward, Texas
Maybe the best consolation prize since Michael Jordan.

3. Atlanta: Al Horford, forward, Florida
The first of three Gators to go in top 10.

4. Memphis: Mike Conley, guard, Ohio State
Best point guard in the draft.

5. Boston: Jeff Green, forward, Georgetown
Still smarting over losing out in the lottery.

6. Milwaukee: Corey Brewer, guard, Florida
Already has NBA shooting range.

7. Minnesota: Yi Jianlian, forward, China
The next Yao Ming?

8. Charlotte: Julian Wright, forward, Kansas
Though, don't be shocked if Joakim Noah is the pick.

9. Chicago: Joakim Noah, forward, Florida
Talented Bulls perfect fit for this Gator.

10. Sacramento: Spencer Hawes, center, Washington
If Jianlian slips, Kings will take the Chinese big man.

11. Atlanta: Acie Law, guard, Texas A&M
Four years of college make him most ready for NBA point guard job.

12. Philadelphia: Al Thornton, forward, Florida State
The Seminoles' lone first-rounder.

13. New Orleans: Nick Young, guard, Southern Cal
A 6-6 shooting guard who can fill it up.

14. L.A. Clippers: Brandan Wright, forward, North Carolina
Just completed his freshman year.

15. Detroit: Javaris Crittenton, guard, Georgia Tech
Needs a guard in case Chauncey Billups leaves team.

16. Washington: Jason Smith, forward, Colorado
Wizards need a big man; Smith is a 7-footer.

17. New Jersey: Josh McRoberts, forward, Duke
Another big man (6-10) is exactly what guard-heavy Nets need.

18. Golden State: Thaddeus Young, forward, Georgia Tech
Actually, it would be a surprise if he fell this far.

19. L.A. Lakers: Tiago Splitter, forward, Brazil
At 6-11, 232, he would at least stand where Shaq used to.

20. Miami: Wilson Chandler, forward, DePaul
With Wade and Shaq already, Heat needs a forward.

21. Philadelphia: Rodney Stuckey, guard, Eastern Washington
Sixers still looking to replace Allen Iverson.

22. Charlotte: Marco Belinelli, guard, Italy
A smooth shooting guard.

23. New York: Morris Almond, guard, Rice
Knicks could use everything and this is the best player available.

24. Phoenix: Sean Williams, forward, Boston College
Can play either center or power forward.

25. Utah: Alando Tucker, forward, Wisconsin
Is he a guard or a small forward?

26. Houston: Glen Davis, forward, LSU
A power forward who can complement Tracy McGrady.

27. Detroit: Aaron Gray, center, Pittsburgh
Needs someone to eventually spell Chris Webber.

28. San Antonio: Rudy Fernandez, guard, Spain
Spurs also have success in Europe and will with this 22-year-old.

29. Phoenix: Jared Dudley, forward, Boston College
Can join his college teammate Sean Williams.

30. Philadelphia: Taurean Green, guard, Florida
Another possible long-term replacement for Allen Iverson.

Detroit Lions quarterbacks say the darndest things

My buddy Michael Rand, whom I worked with at the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and who runs a great blog called Randball, actually discovered (and properly made fun of) this little gem in the Detroit Free-Press. Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna predicts the Lions will win 10 games this season. Whoops, check that. MORE than 10 games. See, he predicted 10 victories before he saw the schedule. Then he saw the schedule and decided that the Lions would do better than just 10 measly wins.

This means one of two things. Either Kitna believes wide receiver Calvin Johnson is the missing piece. That's one thought. Or the other possibility: Kitna fell asleep, had a dream that he had been traded to the Indianapolis Colts, woke up and didn't realize he was dreaming.

Ten wins? This is a team that hasn't won more than SIX games in any of the past six seasons. They went 3-13 last season. Heck, they have won only 24 of their past 96 games. But Kitna's theory is every season there's one team that goes from, say, 5-11 to, say, 11-5. So why not the Lions?

But here are my five choices of teams with losing records in 2006 who have a chance to turn it around this season.

1. Arizona (5-11)
New coach (Ken Whisenhunt) and QB Matt Leinart has a year under his belt.

2. Miami (6-10)
QB Trent Green surely is good for four more wins to make it 10-6.

3. Atlanta (7-9)
QB Michael Vick is motivated to shut up all the critics.

4. Tampa Bay (4-12)
Yes, I know I predicted a 5-10-1 season, but maybe Jeff Garcia is the answer.

5. Detroit (3-13)
Is it possible Jon Kitna isn't a kook after all? I doubt it, but what the heck. If he turns out to be right, I'll look like a genius, too.

Shooting from the lip

A look back at the weekend of televised sports ...

Best coverage
Sometimes we take it for granted because it's on every day. But with all the cool graphics, the strong use of cameras and the announcing team of Dewayne Staats and Joe Magrane, it's hard to imagine there are any teams out there that have a better local broadcast than the Devil Rays. It's not always easy to drum up interest on a Sunday afternoon game inside a domed stadium, but the Rays' broadcast makes it about as interesting as it can be.

Best record
Talk all you want about Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak or even Hank Aaron's home run record. Then think about Orioles shortstop Miguel Tejada, who hadn't missed a game since May 31, 2000, until Friday when he was put on the disabled list with a broken left wrist. He had the fifth-longest consecutive-games streak in major-league history at 1,152 games and still wasn't even halfway to Cal Ripken's mark of 2,632.

Next best record
Then there's Tiger Woods' assault on Jack Nicklaus. Think how dominant Tiger   has been since bursting on the scene. Yet his 12 major championships are still six behind Nicklaus. Can Woods do it? Sure. But it’s not a slam dunk. And that, again, reminds us just how impressive Nicklaus was.

Coolest uniforms
How cool were those Devil Rays throwback uniforms Saturday night? If the Rays are talking about a name change, they should consider a uniform change, too. I realize those uniforms wouldn't exactly be comfy-cool in early August in Kansas City, but fans love the baggy look.

Loudest voice
Is Fox baseball's Thom Brennaman running for office or something? He spent way too much of Saturday's Yankees-Giants Game of the Week sounding off about this and popping off about that. I have no problem with opinions from anyone, especially if it can spruce up a dead part of the game. Problem was, Brennaman was so intent on getting his strong opinions across that he ignored chunks of the game.

The game featured several play-of-the-week defensive gems and you never would have known it listening to Brennaman. They were all treated like routine two-hoppers to short. Meantime, his points were all over the map and carried on for so long that partner Joe Girardi often was reduced to silence.

In one instance, Brennaman droned on and on about Barry Bonds and the home run record, never actually used the word "steroids,'' and all we got out of it was, "The shame of it all is there is a question mark around (the greatest record in sports).'' He was practically yelling by the end of it, and it was the most excited he got all day even though it was a back-and-forth game that carried on 13 innings. Another time he ripped into Giants shortstop Omar Vizquel, who might be the nicest guy in baseball.

I like Brennaman, but if he's going to go off like he did Saturday, he needs to pick his spots better and not get in the way of the game.

Best insights
Fox baseball insider Ken Rosenthal seems to know his stuff, and I don't understand why Fox doesn't use him more, kind of like ESPN uses Peter Gammons on the Sunday night game. Come to think of it, ESPN should be using Gammons more, too.

Anyway, Rosenthal made good use of his abbreviated time Saturday, saying now that Joe Girardi has turned down the Orioles job (a good move, according to Rosenthal's baseball sources), Baltimore could look to White Sox coach Joey Cora, Mets coach Jerry  Manuel or old Mets and O's skipper Davey Johnson.
He also said he's hearing that it wouldn't be a surprise if St. Louis' Tony La Russa and Houston's Phil Garner are available next season.

See, isn't that good stuff? We should see more of it.

Most unwatchable event
Hey, did you see the PGA tournament over the weekend? Yeah, well, I didn't. I tried to watch Saturday, but there's something about the tournament the week after a major tournament, like the U.S. Open. Feels like you're eating Hamburger Helper the day after steak and lobster.

Most welcome sight
Boy, it was great to see Max Kellerman on HBO Boxing's coverage of the Ricky Hatton-Jose Luis Castillo fight Saturday night. Full disclosure: I'm a huge Kellerman fan. He knows his sport as well as any analyst , he's articulate and he's a great interviewer. That came through after Hatton's fourth-round knockout when Kellerman pressed Hatton to answer if Castillo is just a shell of the fighter he used to be.

Kellerman will split duties with Larry Merchant. Now, I like Merchant, too. But sometimes Merchant gets into a zone and talks as if everything is a private joke that he is not going to take the time to explain to you. If you're a boxing fanatic, Merchant is your cup of tea, even though he's a little high-brow and a tad esoteric.

Kellerman is more of a working-class analyst, and I think HBO should try putting them  on the air together.

Biggest prediction
Mitch Albom, on ESPN's The Sports Reporters: "Unless (the Lakers) get LeBron James in return, (Kobe Bryant) isn't going anywhere.''

Best announcer
It takes a lot for me to watch Arena Football — like it's already on the TV, I can't find the remote and I'm too tired to get up — but I'll watch anything that Rick Peckham is announcing, at least for a few minutes. He called Saturday night's Storm game, so I watched. Well, until I found the remote. But I wonder if Lightning fans appreciate how good Peckham is and how lucky we are to hear him 70-some times a season.

Most controversial statements
I found an interview on the Internet the other day with Lou Piniella, who sat down for a short question-and-answer session with the New York Times. He talked about a wide range of topics, including who he thought was the smartest player in baseball (Alex Rodriguez) and which managers he respects most (Bob Lemon, Bobby Cox and Tampa buddy Tony La Russa).

But here’s the exchange I found most interesting:

Question: It might be nice if baseball moved into the future by including more women in its ranks. Do you think a woman could be a good manager?

Lou: If she had a good bench coach, why not? I would think she would need a good, hardened, professional baseball guy that would help her with the X’s and O’s during the ball game. Someone who knew the intricacies in and out of the game.

Question: Plenty of women already know the intricacies of the game.

Lou: I’m not sure of that. I think some of the sportswriter women probably think they do.

Tom Jones: I think I’ll just slowly turn and walk away from this one.

Week in review -- Who's hot/who's not

Who's hot right now in the world of sports

1. J-S Giguere. Cup-winning goalie gets new contract with Ducks and Lightning fans can't help but wonder, "What if he had been in a Tampa Bay jersey last season?''

2. Tiger Woods. Finished second at U.S. Open of Father’s Day, but every future Father’s Day now has a whole new meaning.

3. Andy Roddick. American wins Wimbledon tune-up tournament. Forget the tune-up, now he needs to win the big one.

Who's not hot right now in the world of sports

1. Jake Plummer. He might want to re-think his retirement plans.

2. Rocco Baldelli. Poor kid can't brush his teeth without worrying about pulling a hammy.

3. Pacman Jones. There's a 72 percent chance he is in a strip club right now.

Please put cell phones, keys and guns on the belt

I missed this story when it came out. But last month St. Bonaventure baseball coach, a guy named Larry Sudbrook, was arrested for trying to carry a .357 magnum onto a commercial airplane. On Thursday, he pleaded guilty and received a $1,000 fine and forfeited the weapon.

The magistrate said Sudbrook's mistake was "mind-boggling,'' but added, "I'm firmly convinced, based on your background, that it was the result of human error.''

Human error? Human error? Human error is when lock your keys in your car or don't close the refrigerator door all the way. It's not trying to CARRY A .357 MAGNUM ONTO A PLANE. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think you weren't even allowed to do that pre-9/11.

Sudbrook was on his way to a three-game series against Charlotte (yikes, Charlotte must be a big rival if you have to pack heat). Sudbrook, who has been the Bonnies coach for 22 years, is a hunter and gun collector and said he was using a bag three weeks earlier and forgot to take it out. Which begs the question, where did he go three weeks earlier?

Brett Hull update

The latest on Brett Hull's departure from NBC: Turns out, it's partly his decision. According to the Toronto Globe & Mail, Hull will take an "operations'' job with his former team, the Dallas Stars. To hold such a job and continue working for NBC would be a major conflict of interest. So that's that. However, that doesn't change my opinion on the whole Bill Clement thing in the post below.

A Hull of way to go out

  Know that show The 4400? I don't know what it's about, but there are like 4400 people who have been abducted by aliens or UFOs or some such thing and there are commercials for it like 4,400 times a day. Anyway, I feel like I'm living in a show called 400. I think I'm one of the final 400 people in the U.S. who still follows the NHL. But every day it's getting harder and harder.

The latest reason for wanting to bail on hockey is a rumor, but appears to be a pretty strong rumor: Brett Hull is out as an NBC analyst after one year. Partner Ray Ferraro went on a radio station in Vancouver and said Hull was being let go. Sounds pretty reliable. And pretty disgusting.

Hull is candid. Honest. Refreshing. Not afraid to criticize anyone and everyone. He's hockey's version of Johnny Miller, who is loved at NBC -- and for good reason. He's candid. Honest. Refreshing. And not afraid to criticize anyone and everyone.

The problem isn't with Hull, it's with studio host Bill Clement. See, Hull has a chance to be to American television hockey what the outrageously-outspoken Don Cherry is to Canadian television. But partly what makes Cherry work is his partner and host Ron MacLean. MacLean knows how to push and prod Cherry, how to reign him in and set him free. He knows how to set him up.

For an analogy closer to this country, think of Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football. Part of what made Cosell, the New York lawyer, work was the banter between him and good-ole-boy Dandy Don Meredith.

It's true. At times, the exchanges between Clement and Hull were awkward. But I think that was more Clement's fault than Hull's. I don't think Clement knows how to set up Hull, how to react to what Hull says and take him another step or two forward. Often, Hull's comments were met with blank stares or meek, vanilla responses.

I like Clement. I think he knows his stuff. But I think he's better as a game analyst than a studio host. As a player, Hull was known as a prolific goal scorer. But he always had players to set him up. As an analyst, he needed the same thing -- someone to set him up.

The prevailing rumor is Jeremy Roenick, another outspoken player, will be the next one in the analyst chair at NBC. But unless some other changes are made, Roenick won't be the next Don Cherry. He'll be the next Brett Hull.

Shooting from the lip

Looking back at a weekend of televised sports ...

Biggest complaint
Can we just decide right now that anyone who yells, "Get in the hole!'' as soon as a golfer drives a ball, hits a chip, strikes a putt, whatever, should be taken behind the nearest Porta-Potty on the golf course and beaten severely with a sand wedge?

Strongest comments
Joe Girvan, weekend host of The Sports Connection on Bay News 9, didn't hold back in saying what the Devil Rays should do with Elijah Dukes. On Friday night, Girvan  closed the show with a commentary saying the Rays should part with Dukes immediately. Trade him or release him. Now. He also took a little shot at Delmon Young, too. Whether or not you agree, it was refreshing to see a local sports television announcer voice such a strong opinion.

Best point
In the wake of the district attorney in the Duke lacrosse scandal stepping away from his post, the question came up of who was ultimately hurt most in the scandal. Was it the alleged victim? The players? The program? The law? The sport of lacrosse?

Mike Lupica completely nailed it on ESPN's The Sports Reporters: "You know who I think the real victim is? The real victim is the next actual victim of rape in one of these high-celebrity cases because when she comes forward, you know what's going to be the first thing in the conversation? The Duke case.''

Biggest controversy
Outside the Lines did an insightful piece on Amanda Beard, the seven-time Olympic swimming medalist who posed nude for the July issue of Playboy. The piece talked to Beard, who explained why she did it, as well as two other female athletes who turned down posing nude in the past: soccer player Brandi Chastain and softball pitcher Jenny Finch. Chastain did once appear in a magazine without clothes but was covered by strategically placed soccer balls. Finch, who has appeared in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, said she would never pose nude.

Swimming analyst John Naber said, "It certainly will change the way we look at Amanda Beard.'' He went on to say that instead of being seen as an incredible swimmer with a healthy and attractive figure, Beard will now be remembered as an attractive woman who posed nude who also happens to swim fast.

ESPN commentator Jemele Hill countered: "I think her Olympic career far overshadows (posing in Playboy).''
Each person will have his or her opinion, but it does make a worthwhile discussion.

Best scene
The Fenway Park crowd giving former Red Sox speedster Dave Roberts, now with the Giants, a standing ovation as he led off Saturday in Fox's Game of the Week.

Most surprising comment
While everyone outside of San Francisco, it seems, is down on Barry Bonds as he approaches the all-time home run record, Fox pregame analyst Kevin Kennedy said emphatically that Bonds should be in the All-Star Game: "He has GOT to be on that all-star team.''

Best commercial
Nike's commercial of golf clubs being made for Tiger Woods' future child was priceless. It took a few seconds to figure out what was going on, but the payoff at the end — the clubs being delivered to Woods' house and the words "Happy Father's Day'' on the screen — made it the best ad I've seen all year.

Most refreshing comment
I get sick and tired of listening to athletes and celebrities groan and moan about media attention and invasion of privacy when they were the ones who chose to go into those professions. If you don't like the attention, go find a 9-to-5 job somewhere for $50,000 a year. That's why it was great to hear Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter on ESPN SportsCenter's Sunday Conversation not complaining

"It's unfortunate,'' Jeter said when asked about the coverage given to teammate Alex Rodriguez being seen in Toronto with an ex-stripper who is not his wife. "Everything is news in New York.''

"Does that bother you?'' Jeter was asked.

"No, it doesn't bother me,'' he said. "I understand it. It's part of it. It's part of the job.''

Best coverage
After watching the U.S. Open, it's clear that NBC has the best golf coverage.  Bob Costas is a tremendous host. And Jimmy Roberts is a top-notch reporter who knows the game as well as any non-former player out there. But the real reason NBC's coverage is so strong is analyst Johnny Miller, who isn't afraid to criticize or question anyone — including Tiger Woods.

For example, when someone said it appeared Aaron Baddeley had "settled down,'' Miller fired back: "I don't think he's settled down at all. He just three-putted a par 5. ... I think he's still in shock mode if you ask me.''

As Roger Maltby said on a weekend special about Miller on the Golf Channel: "Whatever pops into the back of his head comes out of the front of his face.''

It's not the best way to make friends, but it is the best way to do your job as a sports analyst.

Best opening
Anyone from Pittsburgh (and in full disclosure I am from Pittsburgh) had to get a little choked up at NBC's opening Saturday and Sunday from the U.S. Open at Oakmont. With images of steel mills, smoke stacks and the beautiful downtown on the screen, announcer Dan Hicks said, "It's not so much a city as it's a hometown. You're not just from here, you belong here. And within those deep roots has grown an attitude. You're strong. You're tough. You're from the Steel City.''

If you're from anywhere else, that probably sounds sugary. If you're from Pittsburgh, it sounded perfect.

Best course
I railed against this year's Masters because the course conditions, combined with the weather, made the course essentially unplayable. Who wants to watch golf where players hit the ball exactly where they want and it still turns into bogeys and double bogeys?

But the U.S. Open is different. Once a year, it's good to see the best players in golf have to be nearly perfect on every shot. And what makes it great is if the players do put the ball where they want, they are rewarded.

As Mitch Albom said on ESPN's The Sports Reporters: "There was a famous quote from the U.S. Open (about) 30 years ago that said the point of the U.S. Open is not to humiliate the best golfers in the world. It's to identify them.''

Worst example of getting carried away
Guilty as charged. That's how I plead after I proclaimed LeBron James as the best basketball player on the planet about two weeks ago. I got carried away with his performance against the Pistons in the Eastern Conference final. After watching him get shut down by the Spurs in the NBA Finals, I have to agree with several readers who wrote me (before the NBA Finals, I should add) that LeBron remains behind Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade on the list.

I still think he will end up better than Kobe and Wade, but he needs more time to develop his perimeter game and become more aggressive in the big moments. He was aggressive against Detroit and that shows he has it in him. He just needs to do it all the time.

Best video you'll see all day

I had an Etch-A-Sketch. We all did. I could draw, well, a box. And ... I guess that's it. A box. Whenever I tried to draw something like a tree or a house, it ended up looking like a plate of spaghetti. This video does not end up looking like a plate of spaghetti -- unless you have a plate of spaghetti that looks just like LeBron James. Check it out. It's incredible.

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NBA Finals or Tony Soprano? Fuhgetaboutit

How bad were the NBA Finals? Put it this way. Instead of watching Game 2 of the Spurs-Cavs, I watched The Sopranos. And instead of watching Games 3 and 4? I watched reruns of The Sopranos. Watching the final five minutes of Tony Soprano eating onion rings was more suspenseful the second and third time than the NBA Finals between San Antonio and LeBron and four guys I never heard of. (I'm kidding. I've heard of, like, two of them.)

I'm a casual NBA fan. Not a diehard. It's not my favorite sport. But I don't ignore it either. It's not my least favorite sport. But I hardly paid attention after Game 1 when I realized LeBron was not going to be able to pull off even one upset by himself. I wasn't alone. The TV ratings were dreadful. Yet, the disturbing part for the NBA is that this final was between the hottest player in the game and the team of the decade. If that couldn't draw fans, what will?

The other disturbing part was the playoffs started with some much drama and entertainment. The Warriors upset the Mavs. The Spurs and Suns series was incredibly intriguing. And, of course, there was LeBron beating the Pistons. But the momentum was gone by the finals.

Assuming the NBA Finals are broke, here are some possible solutions for the NBA.

One, throw out the conferences, make it one big league and have the top 16 teams make the playoffs. In that scenario, it's likely that this season we would have had a Spurs-Suns final and if that HAD been the final, it would have gone down as one of the better in recent memory. Right now, the West is just too good for the East. San Antonio was the third-best team in the West during the regular season and they still demolished the Cavs in four games.

Two, if you're not for making it one big league, then the NBA needs to take a cue from the NHL and re-seed the teams after each round. That way, we would've had San Antonio against Phoenix in the conference finals instead of the second round.

Three, tighten up the schedule. The playoffs are too spread out. San Antonio won on Thursday night and doesn't it seem like the playoffs started like six months ago?

As others (including ESPN's Bill Simmons) have said, when the offseason drama of the draft offers more drama than the NBA Finals, you have trouble.

Something doesn't look quite right

Seeing Dale Earnhardt Jr. standing in front of a Hendrick Motorsports banner was just … weird. Weird as in strange. Weird as in something’s not quite right. Weird as in rub your eyes, blink and look again because you can’t really believe what you’re seeing. But it’s hardly the first time we’ve seen such strange sights. Remember these?

Wayne Gretzky with the Kings.

Joe Montana with the Chiefs.

  Roger Clemens with the Blue Jays.

John Lynch with the Broncos.

  Michael Jordan with the Wizards.

Emmitt Smith with the Cardinals.

Shaquille O'Neal with the Heat.

Best of the rest: Pete Rose with the Expos. Tom Glavine with the Mets. Phil Esposito with the Rangers. Carlton Fisk with the White Sox (even though he played more games with the Chisox than Bosox.) And Warren Sapp with the Raiders (actually, that makes perfect sense).

Also, we have our collection of guys limping to the end of their careers in a strange city: Joe Namath (Rams), O.J. Simpson (49ers), Johnny Unitas (Chargers), Franco Harris (Seahawks), Willie Mays (Mets), Hank Aaron (Brewers) and Jerry Rice (Raiders, Seahawks). And then there are coaches like Steve Spurrier, who doesn't look normal in anything but a Gators visor, and Bob Knight, who looks out of place in anything but an Indiana sweater.

There must be more. Who am I missing?

Why I hate the Yankees, Part I of many

I got an e-mail from a guy in Spring Hill today who looked at my picture in the paper and saw what he described as a "half-beard'' and decided I was just a punk. He figures I wear baseball caps backwards and wear my jeans halfway down my rear and listen to that God-forsaken "Rap-and-Roll'' music. Mostly, though, from what I can tell, he is angry because I take shots at the Yankees every now and then. Honestly, other than taking a few cracks at A-Rod lately for hanging out with an ex-stripper whom he isn't married to (and he IS married) and maybe rolling my eyes over Roger Clemens coming out of retirement for the 87th time, I can't really remember writing anything that showed my disdain for the Yankees.

But I'll admit it. I don't like the Yankees. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to be happy.

I like Joe Torre, but hate how he wears a watch and drinks bottled water on the bench. I respect Derek Jeter, but I hate how he's always on the top step of the dugout after someone hits a home run because I secretly believe he just wants to be seen as a "team'' guy. I hate how Jeter jumps out of the batter's box like he's brushed back even if the pitch is over the the black of plate. I hate how A-Rod yells at an infielder who is trying to catch a pop-up. I hate how the Yankees are on every single Game of the Week. I hate that they sign a big-name player and if doesn't work out, they just go sign another big-name player. I hate how Jason Giambi essentially admits to steroid use, but he's a "good guy,'' while Barry Bonds is a considered a cheater.

Is it because they win? Of course. No one hates the Arizona Cardinals or Kansas City Royals ... or the Devil Rays, for that matter, because they never win. They never break hearts -- well, except those of their own fans.

But, mostly, I hate the Yankees because of their fans. They're obnoxious when the Yankees win, full of excuses when they lose and, most of all, think you're an idiot or must have some secret agenda if you dare say you hate the Yankees. And, I should mention, I'm not a Red Sox fan. I'm starting to hate them, too.

Can't I just hate the Yankees because I feel like it? And if I want to, shouldn't I be allowed?

I have to go now and download more Rap-and-Roll songs into my iPod.

Null and void/the worst contracts ever

Last week, the New York Islanders bought out what was left on what might have been the worst contract in NHL history. That contract belongs to Alexei Yashin, who heads our Hall of Fame class of the worst contracts in sports history.

Alexei Yashin
10 years, $87.5-million
Even at the time (2001), everyone thought the Islanders giving Yashin a 10-year, $87.5-million contract was insane. Sadly for the Isles, it went from insane to plain stupid. He was supposed to be a star, but he never scored more than 32 goals or more than 75 points in a season. Last season, he limped to an 18-goal, 32-assist season even though he is only 33. His swan song was a no-points performance in a five-game playoff series loss to Buffalo. On the bright side, he had plenty of money to spend on model-girlfriend Carol Alt.

Bryant "Big Country'' Reeves
Six years, $65-million
Big Country? More like a Big Spare Tire. Know how many buckets of fried chicken you can buy with $65-million? We don't, but we're guessing that's where most of Reeves' money went. Big Country was supposed to be the cornerstone of the Vancouver Grizzlies (that was an NBA team in 1997). Some cornerstone. Reeves ate himself out of the league within three years and the Grizzles aren't in Vancouver anymore.

Mike Hampton
Eight years, $121-million
Even experts raised their eyebrows when Hampton picked up $121-million in 2000 from the Rockies. In two years, he went 21-28 with an ERA of more than 6. Since then, his career has been sidelined by injuries. The kicker: The Rockies still owe him $6-million for a buyout in 2009 assuming the Braves (Hampton’s current team when he comes off the disabled list next season) don’t pick up a $20-million option. Uh, they won't.

Steve Spurrier
Five years, $25-million
In 2002, the Ol' Ball Coach was supposed to take his visor, ego and crazy offense to the NFL and light up the scoreboards on the way to Super Bowl titles for the Redskins. Then he found out there’s more to coaching in the NFL than a morning workout and an afternoon tee time. He was on the sideline for two years, 12 victories and 20 losses. We’ll do the math: that's about $2-million a victory.

Wilson Alvarez
Five years, $35-million
The then-largest contract in Rays history (1997) makes for the biggest bust in Rays history. Unless you count time on the disabled list as being a huge success. Alvarez, who looked more like the Michelin Man than the man, won 17 games in a Rays uniform.

Alex Rodriguez
10 years, $252-million
Let’s set one thing straight. A-Rod probably is the best player in baseball, meaning he deserves to be the highest paid. But the Rangers' plan to make him the centerpiece of a winning franchise crashed and burned in three years after the December 2000 signing, and the Rangers were desperate to shed themselves of him and his contract. The Yankees took it, moved him to third and are still looking for their first championship with A-Rod. It's not his fault for the Yankees losing, but we can't say he has helped win a World Series, either.

Grant Hill
Seven years, $93-million
Poor Grant. Nice guy. In fact, great guy. But no luck at all. Injuries ravaged his career and sunk the Magic, which signed him in 2000. Hill would get hurt climbing off the training table. Okay, that'ss an exaggeration, but this isn't: He played just 200 regular-season games, which equals out to $465,000 per game. And every single game, you held your breath while waiting for him to get hurt again.

Michael Vick
10 years, $130-million
Vick signed the richest contract in NFL history with the Falcons in December 2004: $130-million with a $37-million signing bonus. And, if the rumors are true, he has had way more championships in the pit bull ring than on the football field. If the rumors are not true, then he has as many pit bull championships as football championships. You sign someone for that kind of dough, you're supposed to deliver at least a conference championship.

Darren Dreifort
Five years, $55-million
Agent Scott Boras scared the heck out of the Dodgers, hinting that Dreifort, who really had never done a whole lot, was about to sign with a rival club in the National League West. So the Dodgers ponied up a huge contract in 2001. In the first year of the deal, Drei­fort had to shut down his season in July. When the five years were up, Dreifort had missed the equivalent of two full seasons and had a 9-15 record.

Allan Houston
Six years, $100-million
Here’s all you need to know about this 2001 deal: Houston doesn't play anymore. And he was the second-highest-paid player in the NBA. What made this contract especially heinous is the Knicks offered Houston more than $40-million more than anyone else.

Ed Whitson
Five years, $4.4-million
True, in today’s world, it’s hard to sign a Little Leaguer for $4.4-million over five years. But these were 1984 dollars. That was a huge contract then. What made it so bad wasn't the money, it was Whitson's performance. New York fans booed him so unmercifully that by the end of his time with the Yankees, he could only pitch on the road. His stint was so stunningly bad that even today, some 20 years later, whenever a big-time free agent fails with the Yankees, people say he suffers from Ed Whitson Disease.

Denny Neagle
Five years, $51-million
A sad story. Neagle signs huge deal with Rockies in December 2000. Pitches parts of three seasons. Wins 19  and loses 23 . Has 5.56  ERA. Gets arrested for being with a hooker. Released — exactly four years to the day when he signed his contract. Told you it was sad.

Juan Guzman
Two years,$12.5-million
Actually, I changed my mind. This was the worst contract in Devil Rays history. The Rays tried to get free agent Aaron Sele and settled for Guzman instead. It didn't seem like a bad tradeoff in 2000. Guzman was supposed to be a front-of-the-rotation pitcher. If his arm wasn’t ready to fall off. Guzman lasted a grand total of 1 2/3 innings in a Rays uniform. His shoulder finally broke down for good, and he never pitched again.

I miss hockey season

Hockey season has been over only a week and I miss it. The smooth skating. The dipsy-doodle moves. The kick-save-a-beauty. The ... ah, who am I kidding. I miss old-time bench-clearing brawls. Of course we haven't seen one of those in years. Thank goodness for YouTube. Here's a classic from the late 1980s involving Montreal's Chris Nilan and the Bruins organization. And when I say organization, I mean the players, the coaches, the cops, the trainers, everyone. Give it a few minutes and then watch closely as Nilan is leaving the ice.

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Shooting from the lip

Looking back at a weekend of televised sports

Rocket fuel
On one hand, let’s not get too carried away with Roger Clemens' season debut on Saturday. He was facing a weak National League lineup and all he did was give a mere quality start — six innings, three runs allowed. Hardly worth a million dollars. On the other hand, this guy is soon to be 45 years old and he gave, well, a quality start. Still not worth a million bucks, but impressive nonetheless.

Coolest event of the weekend
Not the NBA Finals. Not golf or the French Open. Not even The Sopranos.

The absolutely coolest thing on TV over the weekend was a rerun of the annual rowing showdown between Oxford and Cambridge on ESPNU. Forget guys with shoe deals and million-dollar contracts. These were just a bunch of guys grunting and straining for no compensation. Cambridge won easily, but what made the broadcast so great was the breathless commentary of someone I never got the name of. But he had two priceless beauties.

On the effort of the rowers: "Right now the body is asking why. The mind has no answer. But the spirit is willing.''

On the beautiful conditions of the River Thames: "Mother Nature has decided to be at her mildest. The river is a veritable pressed shirt. There's not a crease in it.’''

Tell me that is not awesome!

Channel surfing
With ESPNU joining Bright House Networks on Channel 151, the cable system has moved ESPNews from 121 to 150 and ESPN Classic from 26 to 152. That meant there was an opening on Channel 26 and it has been filled by Versus, which had been on 70. In a roundabout way, that's good for the NHL. At least 26 is neighbors to ESPN and ESPN2 and now more people might find themselves at least switching through Versus while channel surfing. I'm not expecting that local NHL ratings suddenly will rival American Idol, but the channel change could attract a few more viewers.

Best reason to calm down
I think all this talk about Roger Federer being among the top two or three greatest players of all time needs to stop until he wins the French Open. I'm as guilty as anyone, suggesting earlier this year in this space that he's the Tiger Woods of tennis and might be the best ever. But he still hasn’t won the best tournament in the world on clay. Until he does, Rod Laver continues to be my all-time greatest tennis player .

Favorite feature
It's a feature that dates to the days of Joe Garagiola and Tony Kubek on NBC's old Game of the Week, but I love how Fox gets a player from each team to announce the starting batting order. Know what? The Rays should do that on their broadcasts. Get a different Rays player every night to give the batting order.

Biggest controversy
  Tampa's own Gary Sheffield is still taking a beating for his remarks that Latin players can be controlled, while African-Americans can’t. Sheffield clarified his remarks during Saturday's Fox broadcast of the Tigers-Mets.

Shef's point is because Latins are not a part of the draft, they can be signed for way less money than blacks or whites, for that matter. Teams can sign five or six Latin players for the price of one American player —  black or white or whatever. And Latin players know they have to do whatever they’re told.

"They're so many of them,'' Sheffield explained, "that if they speak up they can send them back and get another one.''

Fox baseball analyst Ken Rosenthal said Sheffield's original remarks were politically insensitive, but that "he did hit upon something.''

Strongest statement
Mike Lupica, on ESPN’s The Sports Reporters: "The Angels don't just have the best manager in baseball in Mike Scioscia and aren't just the best-kept secret in baseball. They might just be the best team in baseball.''

Right now, I'd still take the Red Sox. But Lupica's point is not half-baked.

Best reader shoutout
I caught only a few minutes Friday night of the Rays-Marlins series, but here's a little info passed along by reader Garth Kroitzsch:

After listening to the Marlins announcers two out of three games this weekend and two out of three games when the Marlins were here … well, could we be any luckier to have Dwayne Staats and Joe Magrane? They are so much more "fun'' to listen to. And it goes without saying, so much more informing and knowledgeable.

Worst analogy
During Sunday's Belmont coverage on ABC, reporter Jeannine Edwards, before the race, tried to make a comparison with Rags to Riches, a filly, racing against the boys. She said it's like Maria Sharapova, top, playing Roger Federer in the French Open or Annika Sorenstam, bottom, playing against the PGA Tour guys.

I'm sorry, but it's nothing like that. I realize Rags to Riches went on to become the first filly to win the Belmont in 102 years, but to say it's like Sharapova beating Federer or Sorenstam winning a PGA Tour event is an overstatement that's about two exits past ridiculous.

And since I'm ranting, if you're going to make a comparison like that, why say Sharapova and not Justine Henin, who won her third consecutive and fourth overall French Open about five hours before Edwards said what she said?

Best reader complaint
Here's a letter from another reader — John Velchoff of Land O’Lakes:

The TV Bonehead Award goes to Channel 28 for Saturday's broadcast of the Belmont. Just seconds into the race, it put up a weather alert that causes the picture on the high-def broadcast to revert to standard definition. A thunderstorm alert couldn’t wait two minutes for the end of the race? I was in the radio business for 35 years and I'm never disappointed by the stupidity I expect from these idiots.

By the way, during CBS' coverage of golf on Sunday, Channel 10 had to run a weather alert. But what it did was make the golf screen slightly smaller and run the crawl along the bottom. The picture wasn't as big, but least nothing was being blocked.

Most missed events
There were a few great fights over the weekend, most notably Tampa's Antonio Tarver regaining the IBO light-heavyweight crown with a decision over Elvir Muriqi and Miguel Cotto stopping Zab Judah in a WBA welterweight title bout.

And I didn't see any because fights this good are never on regular over-the-air television anymore. I'm sure boxing people have crunched the numbers and figured out that pay-per-view and premium cable is making them more money. But, in the long run, boxing is losing fans because the only people spending money on big-time fights are those who already love boxing.

Remember the days when big-time fights used to be on ABC's Wide World of Sports and NBC’s Sportsworld? I became a boxing fan because I watched fights on Saturday afternoons. I got to know boxers such as Jimmy Young, Ken Norton, Danny Lopez, Vito Antuofermo, Mike Rossman. They would fight title fights. On live TV. On weekend afternoons. I still remember Marv Albert calling James Scott fights live from Rahway State Prison, where Scott was incarcerated for armed robbery.

Even legendary names such as Muhammad Ali, Larry Holmes, Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Roberto Duran and Tommy Hearns would fight live on regular TV. It's how I became a fan. Back when I was 10 years old. Go ask a 10-year-old now to name three boxers. Bet he or she can't. (Photos: Associated Press.)

Ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along?

So, if we get involved in another war and Sweden  joins our side and everybody from both countries has to fight, remind me to stay away from Annika Sorenstam when it's time to pick fox-hole partners.

Let's review. Last week, Michelle Wie quit after the 16th hole of a tournament which was hosted by Sorenstam, complaining of a wrist injury that dates back to February. Had she finished bogey-bogey, she would've shot an 88 and because she is not an official LPGA player, that would've meant a ban for the rest of the year. Was she really hurt? Maybe. Maybe not. Certainly you can't blame her for pulling out with her season (not to mention all the endorsements) on the line. I would've done it. So would you.

But Sorenstam went out of her way to rip into Wie -- essentially calling her a cheater -- despite having absolutely no proof that Wie was faking. It's true that Wie spent the next day hitting buckets and buckets of balls on the driving range. And, yeah, the 88 rule probably had a lot to do with Wie pulling out. And, yeah, Wie definitely should've realized how it looked to be "grinding'' (as Sorenstam called it) on the range the next day.

The thing is Sorenstam should've had a fellow player's back. But Wie is the hot kid on the tour, and I think Sorenstam simply comes off as jealous and classless. A few years from now, Wie is going to own the women's tour. She will be the women's equivalent of Tiger Woods. And about that time Sorenstam's game likely will be fading. There might be a day when Sorenstam needs Wie to back her. If I were Annika, I wouldn't count on it.

Week in review: Who's hot/who's not

The great thing about this list? No Billy Donovan. Unless he marries Paris Hilton in the next week, I don't want to read anything about either of them until Midnight Madnesss.

Who's hot this week

1. Curt Schilling. Normally I'd feel bad for a guy one out away from a no-hitter. But it's Schilling.

2. C.C. Sabathia. Indians pitcher is 9-1. That's good for the Big Lug. I call him the Big Lug. No one else does, though.

3. Dave Moore. Bucs tight end retires. Thanks for the memories, Dave, and can you please not stink in your new gig as Bucs radio analyst?

Who's not hot this week

1. Pat McMahon. Gators baseball coach fired. See what happens when you don't  win a national championship at Florida?

2. Kurt Busch. Docked 100 driver points for pit-road rage. Just a thought, but if you see Kurt going for the last parking spot at Sweet Bay, you might want to think about letting him have it.

3. Tour de France. The 1996 winner (some foreign guy) stripped of title after admitting to doping. Does this race have any credibility left at all?

Oh, Billy

Just a final thought on this whole Billy Donovan thing.

Certainly you can't begrudge a man for changing his mind and ... wait, sure you can begrudge him. If I was the Orlando Magic, I would be livid. Certainly the Magic came out okay getting Stan Van Gundy ... or was it Jeff Van Gundy or Van Van Gundy?

Donovan couldn't have known that the Magic had a backup candidate like Whichever Van Gundy willing to be leftovers. When Donovan backed out, he ruined the chances of the Magic going after another big name. Say they had a pie-in-the-sky plan to go after Larry Brown or Tom Izzo or someone like that. You think a big-timer like one of those guys is going to be someone's second choice? Furthermore, when the contract details came out, it was like the Magic announcing to the world, "Here's what we're willing to pay for a coach.'' You realize how hard it might have been to bring in someone else at a lesser salary?

When Donovan, who obviously should've taken a few more days to think about the Magic's offer before accepting the job (and I'm guessing the Magic DID NOT give him a deadline), walked away, the Magic was stuck. Whomever they approached next, it was like they were saying, "You're not our first choice and we don't think enough of you to pay you what we were willing to pay Billy Donovan and the fans are going to be disappointed, but whattaya say, want to be our head coach?''

In the end, Billy Donovan was temporarily embarrassed. But the Magic might have been permanently damaged.

5-10-1

The Rays are settling into their normal comfy spot in last place. The Lightning has been done for a couple of months. The NBA Finals have another game or two before it gets interesting. And I got bored with the Billy Donovan story about three days ago. So what do you talk about in sports when there's nothing to talk about in sports? The Bucs, of course.

I actually wrote this back when the schedule came out, but I thought it was worth running again here on the Two Cents blog. Using complex and sophisticated data analysis, playing countless hours of Madden 07 and interviewing countless scouts and people named Kiper Jr., I came up with my predictions for the 2007 Bucs season. (Okay, maybe I should be up front and admit that I didn't do any of those things except play Madden 07 and I didn't even play the Bucs.) But I did make predictions. That part is true. So here is my look at how the Bucs will do in 2008.

Sept. 9 at Seattle: Unless Jeff Garcia gets stuck in line waiting for his iced, nonfat latte at one of the 1.2-million Starbucks in the greater Seattle area, he will start at QB. But it won't matter if it's Jeff Garcia, Andy Garcia, Chris Simms, Phil Simms or Molly Simms, the Bucs won't be able to stop Shaun Alexander and will fall to 12-19 all-time in season openers. Seahawks 27-10. (0-1)

Sept. 16 vs. New Orleans: The Saints' Reggie Bush might be banned from the Playboy Mansion, but we haven't noticed Hugh Hefner and his girls next door hanging out in the Bucs' end zone (and we've looked!) so we assume Bush is free to go wild. He'll run for one score, catch another, return a punt and a kickoff for TDs. Then in the second quarter ... Saints 38-7. (0-2)

Sept. 23 vs. St. Louis: The Bucs will beat the Rams. Why? Because they always do well against the Rams ... well, except for that little NFC title game that had they won, Tony Dungy might still be in Tampa Bay. But the Bucs have won three of the past four meetings in the regular season - all great games, by the way. This game won't be great, but it will be a victory. Bucs 23-14. (1-2)

Sept. 30 at Carolina: Tampa Bay can't stop the other team from scoring. It could put 15 guys on the field and the other team would still score like crazy. There is never such a thing as a three-and-out. We're talking, of course, about Joe Maddon's Up With People Devil Rays, who finish another 100-loss, last-place season on this day. The Bucs? Yeah, they lose, too. Panthers 24-14. (1-3)

Oct. 7 at Indianapolis: Here's the lone hope: Peyton Manning, while filming a TV commercial in Las Vegas, runs into Pacman Jones and Chris Henry and they talk him into getting "just one drink'' at a local establishment. Next thing you know, Peyton is using MasterCards to make it "rain'' and ends up in Interrogation Room 3. Otherwise, we're going with Dungy's team. Colts 42-7. (1-4)

Oct. 14 vs. Tennessee: A short book for Jon Gruden written by Dr. Steussie: See Vince Young. See Vince run. See Vince run fast. Oh, how he can run. Run left. Run right. Run left and right. Run, run, run. Do you like to watch Vince run? I do not. I do not like to see Vince run. I do not like him on the road, I do not like him at home. I do not like to see Vince run. Titans 30-20. (1-5)

Oct. 21 at Detroit: For all you Bucs fans tired of Bruce Allen calling the shots, count your blessings. You could be stuck with Lions head cheese Matt Millen. This guy makes Vince Naimoli look like Steve Jobs. He took over a team that had hit rock bottom, then whipped out a jackhammer to dig even deeper. Bucs 7-3. (2-5)

Oct. 28 vs. Jacksonville: Did you know this is only Jacksonville's second trip to Tampa Bay in the regular season? Of course, you didn't. No one did because no one cares about what the Jaguars do. Quick history lesson. They are good. Then bad. Then good. Then so-so. Kinda like seasons of The Sopranos. Can the Bucs win two in a row? Sure, why not. Bucs 12-9. (3-5)

Nov. 4 vs. Arizona: Making fun of the Cardinals is like fishing with dynamite. It's too easy. Then again, we like easy. How many Cards does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout and then they all show up. Or this: "Will the woman who left her 11 kids in the parking lot please pick them up? They are beating the Cardinals 27-0.'' So ... Bucs 24-23. (4-5).

Nov. 11 Bye week: Slowly but surely becoming every Bucs fan's favorite week of the season.

Nov. 18 at Atlanta: Falcons QB Michael Vick misses the first half. Still, the Bucs can muster only a three-point half-time lead. A fresh Vick comes out in the second half, runs for 210 yards and throws for three touchdowns - two of them right-handed and one to a pit bull. Falcons 38-17. (4-6)

Nov. 25 vs. Washington: Will Joe Gibbs please pick up the white courtesy phone? Your ride to the retirement home is here. Actually, it's kind of sad to watch Gibbs go from one of the greatest coaches of all time to babysitter for a five-wins-a-year team. Unfortunately, this might be one of the Redskins' five wins. Redskins 17-13. (4-7)

Dec. 2 at New Orleans: Oh when the Bucs ... come marching in. Oh when the Bucs come marching in. Lord, you know it will be ugly. When the Bucs come marching in. Actually, here's the shocker. Down by one with 30 seconds left, Bruce Gradkowski completes three passes to set up a Matt Bryant 62-yard FG with one second left. It's high enough, it's long enough and it's ... oh, just wide right. Saints 20-19. (4-8)

Dec. 9 at Houston: How to kill a franchise: Re-sign your unproven starting QB (David Carr) to another year. With the No. 1 draft pick, pass on a hometown hero (QB Vince Young) and a stud RB (Reggie Bush). Take a defensive end (Mario Williams). Then get rid of your unproven starting QB (Carr) and trade for another team's backup (Matt Schaub). That's like re-signing a QB with no spleen, signing a free-agent QB and trading for one who wants to retire. Yeesh. Tie 0-0. (4-8-1)

Dec. 16 vs. Atlanta: Usually, once a season, the Bucs figure out a way to slow Michael Vick. Usually it's at home. They must water the field or let the grass grow or something. Or maybe it used to be that the Bucs defense of Derrick Brooks, Shelton Quarles, Simeon Rice and such were too quick for Vick to outrun. Now, unless the Bucs D uses walkers to trip up Vick, there won't be any stopping him. Falcons 27-10. (4-9-1)

Dec. 23 at San Francisco: This is supposed to be a night game for NBC's Sunday Night Football. Of course, the NFL has that flexible schedule, meaning NBC could switch to a more high-profile game. Why don't they just save the trouble and go ahead and change this game now. Really, this is like Rays vs. Royals any time after Memorial Day. It won't mean a thing. 49ers 3-2. (4-10-1)

Dec. 30 vs. Carolina: Last game of the year. Maybe the last game of the Gruden Era. Maybe the last game for Derrick Brooks and Mike Alstott. By this point, Carolina will have wrapped up a playoff spot. The Bucs go out with a bang. Bucs 33-3. (5-10-1)

That's it, folks, 5-10-1. Write it down. Well, I guess you don't have to write it down because I just did and it's in your computer and ... ah, you know I mean!

That's a peach, hun

One of the advantages of checking out this blog is that occasionally you might get a sneak preview of what's going to be in the next day's paper. You can impress friends and influence business partners with your alleged psychic abilities. Anyway, on Friday's Page 2 of the Times sports section, I'm going to be talking about some of the more memorable collapses in sports history. This, of course, inspired by the Devil Rays face-plant in the ninth inning Tuesday night in Toronto.

All the usual suspects have been rounded up:

The Bucs choke against the Colts on Monday Night Football. The Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead in the 2004 ALCS. Greg Norman turning into Goofy at the 1996 Masters. There's a bunch more.

But I started thinking. What is the worst collapse ever? The absolute worst? Many -- like the Bucs on Monday Night or the Yankees in 2004 -- were partly a result of their own ineptitude. But often the other team mounts a great rally. Certainly the Colts did against the Bucs. And so did the Red Sox against the Yankees.

So if you're just factoring a player or a team blowing it all by themselves, Norman's blow-up at the Masters is in the running. But my all-time pick is Jean Van de Velde at the 1999 British Open. Standing on the 18th hole on Sunday, all he needed to do was double bogey a par-4. Double bogey. A six. He made seven and lost in a playoff.

In his classic column about Van de Velde's collapse, Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated wrote:

You telling me you can't make a six on a par 4? A double bogey? You could make double bogey in flippers and a snorkel. You could hit a five-iron, an oar and a rigatoni noodle and make a double bogey. A well-trained chicken could make a freaking double bogey.

But Van de Velde couldn't, which is why I think it's the greatest collapse ever. What do you think? Is this the greatest collapse ever?  (Photo: Associated Press.)

What is this "hockey'' you speak of

What do Martin Sheen and hockey have in common? Yeah, I know Sheen's son (Emilio Different Last Name) played Gordon Bombay in the those Mighty Ducks movies. That's not what I'm getting at. Sheen and the NHL hold the distinction of having the worst primetime rating in NBC history.

Saturday night's Game 3 of the Stanley Cup final (shown locally on Catch 47 via Channel 38 via Channel 8) drew a 1.9 rating with a 3 share. I could break down exactly what those numbers mean, but essentially what it means is a couple of house cats and a guy named Jacques were watching. And that's about it. It equalled a re-run of The West Wing on July 23, 2005 as NBC's worst primetime broadcast ever.

Now there are a couple of ways to look at this. First, Saturday night is traditionally an awful night for television. And, second, network numbers have been dwindling over the past decade with the cable TV explosion.

Still, the worst-rated broadcast in network history?

Hockey is going to have to figure out something to get the numbers back up. More fighting. Bigger nets. State-sanctioned executions during the intermissions. Something.

Long-time NHL player Jeremy Roenick had a cool idea. He thinks the NHL should strike a deal with HBO or Showtime and put microphones on the players so you can hear exactly what is said on the ice. That would be the R-rated version and sure to be a hit. A G-rated version of the game could still be shown on Versus. And, speaking of Versus, the network is trying. Their broadcasts are good. But, for the love of Barry Melrose, the NHL needs to get back on ESPN. Then, by golly, the NHL will show Jed Barlet who's in charge here. (Photo: Associated Press.)

The Rays magical mystery tour

Check out the blog of our man Sean Daly, the way-too-hip pop music critic of the Times. He put together a soundtrack for the Devil Rays following Tuesday night's clunker in Toronto. A few tracks I might add to the list? Beautiful Loser by Bob Seger, The Fool on the Hill by The Beatles, Free Fallin' by Tom Petty and Just Like Heaven by The Cure. (How does Just Like Heaven fit in? It doesn't. It just happens to be my favorite all-time song.) Photo: Associated Press.