Things to eliminate from sports

The International Tennis Federation is considering a rule that would, essentially, ban  female players from screaming, grunting, shrieking or groaning when they hit a ball during a match. Aside from being annoying in general, it's a form of cheating, according to tennis great Martina Navratilova, who said opponents can't hear the sound the ball makes coming off the racket. Well, the following might not be cheating, but it drives me bonkers. Here's a list of other things that should be banned from sports.

Know why baseball games often take more than three hours? Because two of the hours are spent with a batter stepping out of the box to adjust his batting gloves, take four practice swings, fix his helmet and take two more practice swings. Unless a seagull flies into a batter's eye, the batter should be allowed to step out of the box only once per at-bat.

Basketball players should not be allowed to give handshakes, high-fives or low-fives to a teammate who just missed a free throw. Come to think of it, they shouldn't be allowed even if a player makes a free throw. It's a free throw!

Any fan who yells "Get in the hole!'' or "You da man!'' a split second after a golfer hits a tee shot on a par 4 or par 5 should immediately be escorted to the parking lot, have his mug shot taken and never be allowed on the grounds of a PGA Tour event ever again. Also, baseball fans who yell "balk''’ when it is not a balk need to be shown the exit.

If there's a fumble in football and a player starts to signal like a referee that his team has the ball, but it turns out his team does not have the ball, that player should be forced to sit out a play and his team should be penalized 5 yards for giving his fans false hope.

If a wide receiver drops a pass  then immediately jumps to his feet and pulls out several invisible penalty flags from his hip to beg for an interference call, he should be penalized 15 yards for impersonating a referee … and a wide receiver.

If a golfer misses a putt, then has a look of astonishment that the ball didn't break and it somehow was the fault of the earth and the laws of physics, add a stroke to his score.

This one is specifically for Rays pitcher Matt Garza: enough with the spitting! It's hard to tell if the guy's out there to pitch a game or water the infield.

Okay, this doesn't pertain to actual sports, but if I see that Verizon commercial where the guy pours sprinkles all over the counter one more time, I'm going to buy a machete and just start swinging.

A professional wrestler should be disqualified if he uses a foreign substance, hidden object or metal folding chair at any point during a match.

No more of those wormy little grad assistants, who look like they're wearing their dad’s suits, on the end of a college basketball bench and do nothing but jump around and throw up their hands after every single foul. If you're not a coach or player and you have never actually sweated in your life, you should not be allowed on the bench.

Aside from the grunting, here's another for tennis. Do players really need to towel off after every point? Worse, they make some kid bring them the sweaty, smelly towel. You don't see Kobe Bryant calling for a towel after every possession.

Finally (for the time being anyway): Dumping Gatorade on a football coach. Seriously, I don't get it. It doesn't even make sense. Dumping an ice cold beverage on a coach? If any team does that, 10 minutes should be added to the clock.

Comments

[joe hillman]

not bad tom. personally, maria and the other tennis hotties grunting is actually a pleasing element to a mundane sport.

off the top of my head i would eliminate the following from sports:

* golf.

* nba.

* about half the clowns from bspn.

that's just for starters.

[Wayne Koehler]

Let's make it illegal to sit behind home plate and wave at your friend who you are talking to on your cell phone.

[Matt]

You're an idiot Tom, a total idiot. And to think they actually pay you for this trash?!?!?!?!

[Chris]

I think the Matt calling this trash might Matt Garza.

[Tim]

Throw the idiots out who show up to a game decked out from head to toe with gear of a team that is not even playing in the game they are watching. You can also add in the idiots who wear gear for a sport they are not even watching (see Philly fan wearing an Eagles jersey to a Phillies game).

[jon in bradenton]

Ha-ha-ha! This is funny! Thanks for posting it!

[T]

Dude. Nail on the head, good piece.

[David J]

There is a ridiculous, disgusting amount of spitting in baseball. It has to stop. Admittedly, I am a relatively new fan to baseball, but I don't see how spitting makes anyone better. Just grosser.

[TriplePlay]

My prayers were answered when Kornheiser was asked if he wanted to resign or get fired.

Now Bryant Gumbel should be only allowed to announce at Tennis when the females are grunting.

[John]

How about a "season ban" of every dope that yells "can o' corn" for EVERY fly ball hit during a baseball game?

Or, how about calling a strike EVERY time a hitter enters the batter's box with the hand raised, asking the ump for time out before the AB has even started? Get in there, ready to hit, or you start with an 0-1 count.

[John]

Good list. You forgot about making it a felony to play any of the following over the P.A. system at any sporting event ever again - "Crazy Train", "Rock & Roll Part 2", "We Will Rock You", "We Are the Champions", etc...

[Trout]

Love the list! Glad I am not alone. The only things I would add would be
(1) to eliminate any and all reporting of athletes contracts/negotiations/terms as if it was "sports news", which it clearly is not. I never need to know that any player wants "96 mil over 4 years", but mgmt is only offering "80 mil over 3 yrs". and
(2) Eliminate the word "sportsmanship" from the english language, since it has gone the way of cannon balls and scurvy.