Gone fishin'

So, let's see. In the past 12 months, I predicted the Bucs would go 5-10-1 in 2007. I put my foot in my mouth again about two months ago when I said I would trade Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza back to Minnesota for Delmon Young. And I riled up half of New England and ALL of Red Sox Nation by listing 10 reasons to hate the Red Sox. (I'm still getting nasty e-mails over that one.) What does this all mean? I need a vacation! Give me a couple of weeks and I'll be back with more stupid predictions and maybe 10 reasons to hate the Yankees or something. I'll return here Aug. 18. In the meantime, I'll be seeing if it's possible to snooze in a hammock while eating a cheeseburger at the same time. See ya soon.

Bad sports guarantees

Please tell me that new Lightning co-owner Len Barrie did not guarantee the Bolts would win the Southeast Division.

"I'll predict right now, Tampa Bay will win the division,'' he said.

Oh, no. He did. For every Joe Namath and Muhammad Ali, there have been dozens of guys like Jon Kitna and Patrick Ewing. Let's hope that come next April we’re not adding Barrie's name to this list of hollow guarantees.

Jon Kitna
The quarterback predicted the Lions, just 3-13 in 2006, would win 10 games -- actually, "more than 10 games'' — in 2007. Oh, the Lions came up just short. And by "just short,'' we mean "7-9.''

Matt Hasselbeck
After winning the overtime coin toss in a 2004 playoff game at Green Bay, the Seahawks QB said, "We want the ball, and we're going to score.'' He threw a pass that resulted in a touchdown, all right. Problem was, it was a pass intercepted by Green Bay's Al Harris.

Patrick Ewing
The Knicks' big man guaranteed a victory in Game 6 over the Pacers in the 2000 Eastern Conference playoffs. The prediction might have come true if Ewing hadn't turned into a bricklayer. He was 4-for-13 from the field, 2-for-8 from the line and missed his final six shots as the Pacers won 93-80.

Joe Glenn
You've probably never heard of him, but this is the ultimate guarantee gone south. This Wyoming football coach guaranteed his boys would beat Utah in 2007. His lads not only lost. They lost 50-0. (Side note: Utah coach Kyle Whittingham gets the Big Jerk Award for using an onside kick while up 40-0 in the third quarter, which led to Glenn giving Utah the one-finger salute.)

Roy Williams
Boy, the Lions have big mouths, don't they? The wide receiver guaranteed Detroit would knock off the Bears in the second game of the 2006 season. Final score: Bears 34, Lions 7. After the game, Williams told reporters, "You can all run with this: We will win the (next) game.'' Uh, they lost that one, too. And the next game. And the game after that, too.

Chad Johnson
Despite his team being 0-7 in 2002, Bengals chatty wideout Chad Johnson said, "Next week, I assure you a win. I guarantee you we will win.'' Yes, it’s true that the Bengals did win, and win handily:
38-3. But the victory came against the expansion Texans. After the victory, the Bengals went on a six-game losing streak and finished 2-14.

Don Waddell
Midway through the 2005-06 season. Here's the quote from the Atlanta Thrashers general manager: "We'll be in the playoffs. If you want to write: 'Guarantee,' I have no problem with that.'' Apparently his team had a "problem'' with that because when the season ended, the Thrashers were not in the playoffs.

Anthony Smith
Some people get caught up in the moment and say something dumb. The Steelers defensive back, however, lost all intelligence. He guaranteed a victory over the undefeated Patriots last season. Smith was part of a secondary burned for 399 yards and four TDs by QB Tom Brady and the Pats routed the Steelers 34-13.

Sportin' mullets -- the best of sports mullets

The mullet is back. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. The man who helped make the mullet famous is back. Barry Melrose, proud wearer of the mullet (which did to hairdos what the Pinto did for cars), is back behind an NHL bench as the newly named coach of the Lightning. But in case you hadn't noticed, the mullet is gone. At least from Melrose's head. Here's hoping he brings it back, for old time's sake. To get him in the mood, here's a trip down memory lane with some memorable sports mullets.

Andre Agassi
The tennis great tried to make up for the hair he was losing on top by going long in the back. (As if we weren't going to notice.) This wasn't his worst idea of the late 1980s and early 1990s. Uh, that would be dating Barbra Streisand. That's pretty much the ace of bad ideas. But the mullet was a close second.

Wayne Gretzky
The Great One set about a billion official NHL records and one unofficial NHL record: worst use of hair. This was the worst thing to come out of Canada since Paul Anka wrote (You're) Having My Baby. Notice how Janet Jones didn't marry him until he chopped off the raccoon tail.

Randy Johnson
The Big Unit has become the Michael Bolton of baseball. He has the worst mullet going and he refuses to give it up even though the darn thing went out of style about six seconds after Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart hit the airwaves. Cyrus is a first-ballot Hall of Famer when it comes to mullets, the Babe Ruth if you will. And even he was smart enough to give it up.

Jaromir Jagr
The hockey star sported the "colek''’ or "deka.'' Those supposedly are the Czech words for the mullet haircut. We can only guess that he kept the style so long because he never learned the English phrase, "Yes, please, can I have a haircut that doesn't make me look like a total doofus?''

Barry Melrose
Of course, we have to remind Barry what he looked like in our attempt to sway him once again to the dark side. And were not trying to suck up to the new coach, but he was one of the few guys who actually got away with it, especially when he loaded it up with the Castrol 30W or whatever that was he put in his hair.

See a special slide show of memorable mullets.

Go Jonny Go

If Rays outfielder Jonny Gomes ran as fast to first base as he does to brawls, the guy would have more infield hits that Ichiro. Ever notice how fast Gomes arrives whenever punches are being thrown? And it doesn't matter where on the field -- pitcher's mound, second base, wherever. He wasn't even in the lineup last night and he almost got to the mound before Coco Crisp did.

Some day a team is going to trade for Gomes and the other GM is going to say, "We hated to give up our top pitching prospect, but we needed a guy with a little right-handed pop and someone who can apply the figure-four leg-lock in a fight. Now we think we have the missing piece to put us over the top.''

Sasha Vujacic is a heartbreaker

With the seconds ticking away and the Lakers about to wrap up the Western Conference final over the Spurs with a five-point victory Thursday night, Los Angeles' Sasha Vujacic was supposed to do what anyone with class does. He was supposed to dribble out the clock. Instead, he decided to take a meaningless three-point shot at the buzzer.

And he nailed it!

Even the TV guys commented that it was kind of bush-league. Well, it was more than that. Just ask all the gamblers out there who had the Spurs-PLUS SEVEN-AND-A-HALF. Yep, do the math. Instead of winning by five, the Lakers won by eight. Today, you have to think that Sasha has become the most hated player in the NBA in some circles. Then again, Sasha might now be the most popular player in the league in other circles -- those that had the Lakers-minus seven-and-a-half.

No octopus for you!

First, the Soup Nazi and now the Octopus Nazi.

You know how the demented good people of Detroit like to throw an octopus on the ice during Red Wings playoff games? Well, Pittsburgh is doing its best to make sure it doesn't happen in the Steel City. Check out this story.

Meantime, Penguins fans should start their own tradition of throwing smelly stuff on the ice. How about a catfish out of the Monongahela River? Or how about a few rusted Iron City Beer cans? Or, here's an idea: maybe Pittsburgh fans should do the right thing and not throw anything on the ice. Hate to break it to you, Detroit, but the whole octopus thing? That was soooo 1998.

Here's a way to end the Madden jinx

You've all surely heard of the curse that strikes whichever player graces the cover of EA Sports Madden football video games. Anytime a player appears on the cover, he ends up breaking a leg or busting an ankle and, generally, having the worst season of his life. Players such as Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Randall Cunningham and Shaun Alexander have all fallen victim to the dreaded curse.

Well, guess who will be the cover of "Madden NFL 09?'' Retired QB Brett Favre. Assuming Favre stays retired -- and I'm not totally sold on that just yet -- the jinx ends now.

Then again, I'm now on a daily quest to "Google News'' the words "Favre'' and "golf cart'' and "mishap.''

The Dan Johnson Era: A Retrospective

Why, it only seems like yesterday that the Rays picked up Dan Johnson. In fact, it was two days ago. My how the time flies. Sadly, the Rays designated the legend for assignment Wednesday. His days, both of them, with the Rays appear to be over. So much has changed in the world. Think back to what the Rays and the world was like when Johnson joined the Rays:

* George W. Bush was in his second term as president.
* Gas cost $3.54 a gallon.
* Popular TV shows were Lost, American Idol and Deal or No Deal.
* Joe Maddon was Rays manager.

And then there's Johnson. As he walked out the door Wednesday for likely the last time, you have to wonder what was going through his head, what memories he held most dear. Maybe it was the time he showed up at Tropicana Field for batting practice and found everything locked. Maybe it was the time he asked someone where the bathroom was. Maybe it was the time he picked up his bags right before he walked out for the last time.

Today is a sad day. An era has ended. The Rays won't be the same. The only comfort we can take is that someday, perhaps even in a new ballpark down by the water, we will all look on the outfield wall and see Dan Johnson's retired number, good ole No. 17. Or 22. Or ... what number did he wear again? The Rays never lost a game with him in uniform. That's the only important thing we need to remember.

So long, Dan, we hardly knew ye. And here are two photos to remember Dan Johnson:

Dan Johnson as he looked when he joined the Rays ...

 

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Dan Johnson as he looked when he left the Rays ...

Who should come to Tampa Bay?

Every time some big-name NFL player becomes available, the first thought around these parts is, "Think the Bucs should go after him?'' Same with the Rays. And, right now, there are plenty of people available. So here's a breakdown of the some of those names and whether the locals should pass on them, or take a chance.

BUCS
Shaun Alexander: This guy was the MVP in the NFL in 2005. Not that long ago. And he's only 30. But his body is about 60. He has been banged up and pretty much ineffective the past two seasons. The Seahawks released the running back in order to keep Julius Jones, who lost his starting job in Dallas. So what does that tell you? Besides, don't the Bucs have like 19 running backs on the roster? Now if Alexander was a quarterback ...
Final call: Pass.

Chad Johnson: The Bengals wide receiver, who could be traded, talks too much, whines too much, causes too much controversy. Know what he does a lot of? Catch passes. He caught 93 last year. In fact, he has caught at least 90 balls in five of the past six years and the one year he didn't, he caught 87. Know how many times Joey Galloway has caught 90 passes in a season over his 13-year career? That would be, uh, never. In fact, only once in the entire history of the Bucs has someone caught more than 90 passes and that was 2001 when Keyshawn Johnson caught 106. Over the past four years, Galloway has been very productive getting into the end zone with 28 touchdowns. Over that same span, Johnson has scored 33 touchdowns. He is still only 30 years old. He can talk all he wants Monday through Saturday as long he shows up Sunday ... and his impressive resume proves that he does just that. And say what you want about his outlandish behavior, he isn't one of the Bengals who has been arrested.
Final call: Take a chance.

RAYS
Frank Thomas: The Blue Jays just released Thomas, who got off to a slow start after 26 homers with 95 RBIs a season ago. Well, the slow start wasn't the problem. The problem was he acted like a complete baby when benched because he couldn't hit his weight this season. In fact, he was more than 100 points from his weight. The 275-pounder was batting a buck-sixty-seven with 13 strikeouts in 60 at-bats. He even refused to shake his teammates hands after a victory. The Rays got rid of Delmon Young, who actually can play. So why in the world would they pick up a 40-year-old head case who can't? Supposedly the A's are interested in the Big Hurt. Let them have him.
Final call: Pass.

Barry Bonds: The all-time home run king is sitting at home. I know what you're thinking. The Rays aren't interested in head cases and Bonds is King Head Case. But here's the difference between Bonds and, say, Frank Thomas: Bonds can still play. Last season alone, Bonds numbers were still impressive. Hit hit 28 homers with 66 RBIs in only 340 at-bats. His on-base percentage was .480. (By comparison, Carl Crawford's OBP last season was .355. Heck, Derek Jeter's OBP last season was .388.) In other words, Bonds still is a productive player. He hits homers, drives in runs, gets on base. Think about that. His on-base percentage was .480, meaning he gets on base almost half the time. True, he can't play the outfield. He would have to DH. But I would argue he could come in and still be the best DH not only on the Rays, but in all of baseball. And, what the heck, Bonds would be worth just having around.
Final call: Take a chance.

I learned it from watching you, Dad, I learned it from watching you

Former NHL goalie Patrick Roy and his son, Jonathan, have been suspended by the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League after a big brawl over the weekend in a playoff game. Jonathan, the goalie from the Quebec Remparts, was suspended seven games for instigating a fight with the other team's goalie. Patrick, coach of the Remparts, was suspended five games.

Here's the fight.
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And in case you're wondering where Jonathan got his fighting skills, check out this video:

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And this one ...

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Say it ain't so, Joe

Here's the sad injury of the day. And by sad, I mean pathetic.

Ever see that show on Spike TV called Pros vs. Joes? A bunch of never-been amateurs compete in sporting events against a bunch of ex-jocks trying to relive their glory days. Actually kind of sad all around, if you think about it. I don't know whom to feel more bad for -- the Joe Schmoes who actually think they're even in the same hemisphere as being able to compete with professional athletes or the former jocks who have reduced themselves to dominating some construction worker from Buffalo.

Anyway, all former NBA player Derrick Coleman had to do was box out two Joes (one at a time) for 10 rebounds. The first round was no problem, as DC allowed only two rebounds to his opponent. But against a salesman from Philadelphia, Coleman landed awkwardly, injured his knee and had to sit out the rest of the show.

Somewhere in Philly, a long-suffering Sixers fan is either laughing or cursing. Or both.

Greatest news conference meltdowns

Last week, Michigan women's basketball coach Kevin Borseth had one of those moments sports fans live for: a meltdown during a news conference. It was three minutes and 36 seconds of fist pounding, screaming and saying at one point how his team "totally, totally, totally, totally, TOTALLY laid an egg.''
Good stuff, but it didn't make my list of 10 favorites. Here are my picks with links to some of the more PG-rated ones. You're on your own to track down the others.

Lee Elia, Chicago Cubs
This is The Godfather of tirades. The best ever with tons of great lines to quote. Upset with fans booing his 5-14 Cubs in 1983, manager Lee Elia unloaded, showing a vast and impressive array of expletives as he ripped the fans and stuck up for is ball club. I can only give you a small slice of what he said about the fans:
"The (expletives) don't even work. That's why they're out at the (expletive) game. They ought to go out and get a (expletive) job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a living. Eight-five percent of the (expletive) world is working. The other 15 percent come out here. It's a playground for the (expletives).''

Jim Mora, Indianapolis Colts
We all remember how this Jim Mora tirade ended, but don't underrate how hilarious the beginning was following a loss in 2001 that put the Colts at 4-6.
"I don't care who you play, whether it's a high-school team, a junior-college team, a college team, much less an NFL team,'' Mora started, "when you turn the ball over five times ... you ain't going to beat anybody I just talked about. Anybody! And that was a disgraceful performance in my opinion.''
So, what about the playoffs?
"Playoffs??!! Don't talk about ... Playoffs?! You kiddin' me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game.''

Jim Mora, New Orleans Saints
After a 19-7 loss to Carolina that left his team 2-6 in 1996, Jim Mora wasted no time. FDR is remembered for his "Infamy'' Speech. Lincoln had the Gettysburg Address. And Jim Mora has "The Diddily Poo''’ Speech.
"That second half, we just got our (rear) totally kicked,'' Mora before even reaching the microphones. "We couldn't do diddily poo offensively. We couldn't make a first down. We couldn't run the ball. We didn't try to run the ball. We couldn't complete a pass. We (stunk). ... We couldn't stop the run. Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points.''
Well, it kind of went on from there with lots of bleeps.

Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76ers
Know how many times Sixers guard Allen Iverson said "we’re talking about practice'' during a two-minute, 22-second span during a 2002 news conference? Thirteen times! He said the word "practice'' 20 times. The next day, 76ers coach Larry Brown joked, "He said 'practice' more times than he has actually practiced.'' At one point, after he has already said, "We're talking about practice'' about seven times, Iverson says, "We're talking about practice. Man, what are we talking about ... practice? We're talking about practice.''
Sorry, I just got here. What are we talking about again?

Dennis Green, Arizona Cardinals
Here's what happened when the Cardinals blew a 20-point lead and let undefeated Bears escape with a victory in 2006. After trying to start a sentence about six ways, Arizona coach Denns Green finally snaps: "The Bears are who we thought they were! That's why we took the damn field! If you want to crown them (slams podium with fist) then crown their (rear)! But they are who we thought they were! And we let them off the hook!''
Exit stage left. Thanks for coming. See ya next time.

Herm Edwards, New York Jets
So, coach, why do you play the game? Jets coach Herm Edwards answered that question in a 2002 news conference: "You play to win the game! Hello. You play to win the game. You don't play to just play it. That's the great thing about sports. You play to win. And I don't care if you have any wins. You go play to win.''
You ... play ... to ... what was the rest of that, Coach, you play to do what?

John Chaney, Temple basketball coach
Some coaches go nuts during their news conference. John Chaney gets bonus points for going nuts during someone else's news conference. After John Calipari's UMass team beat Chaney's Temple Owls in 1994, Chaney interrupted Calipari’s post-game session to start yelling something about Calipari’s team playing rough. Next thing you know, the two coaches were being separated while Chaney was yelling, "I’ll kill you! ... When I see you, I'm going to kick your (rear).''

Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State football coach
He's a man! He's 40! That's all he has to say because it makes him want to puke.

Hal McRae, Kansas City Royals
During a 1993 post-game news conference in his office, Royals skipper Hal McRae starts off just fine, but then gets tired of, uh, answering questions. After playing 52-card pickup with everything not nailed down, McRae goes on to use a word that begins with "bull''’ repeatedly. Extra bonus points because one of the objects he threw hits a reporter in the face, drawing blood.

Bob Knight, Indiana basketball coach
I could make up a list of 50 meltdowns by former basketball coach Bob Knight alone, so I'll just pick our favorite. This breakdown didn't even involve a member of the media, but an NCAA volunteer during the 1998 NCAA Tournament. After a nasty exchange, it ends with Knight yelling, "I'll handle this the way I want to handle it now that I'm here. You (messed) up to begin with. Now just sit there or leave. I don't give a (expletive) what you do. ... Now, back to the game.''
You know what, Coach? I'm good. Thanks.

Stand by your man

By now, you've probably heard the whole Carl Crawford-Delmon Young war of words. What's really interesting, however, is how fans have reacted to the little spitting match. Forget who might be right or wrong, the fans are standing by their man. If you check out Marc Topkin's blog on the Rays for the St. Pete Times, fans are siding with Crawford. Taking the exact same story, fans on the Minneapolis Star-Tribune's baseball blog, are backing their guy, Delmon.

Hey, personally, I'm practically giddy over the whole thing. We could be talking about this or how Scotty Kazmir looked in the pitchers-covering-first-base drill. Maybe this can get us through until the games actually start. Anyway, check out how the fans have reacted.

Here is some of the reaction from Rays fans:
"Good riddance, Delmon.''
"Way to go CC! I love the fact that he is publicly calling him out.''
"You go, Carl!''

Meantime, a sampling of Twins fans comments:
"Sounds like Crawford is a punk.''
"Crawford is dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ...''
"I think Crawford just doesn't like the Twins.''
"Before I heard this (stuff) Crawford has been saying, I considered him a class act. This just makes him look like an ignorant 6-year-old ... What a loser.''
"I hope Delmon doesn't get booed in Tampa Bay by the 3,000 fanatic Rays fans.''

Nomination for best line on both blogs? "I hope Crawford doesn't get hit by a bat!''

The Bucs still haven't ...

Last Sunday, the Bucs finally returned a kickoff for a touchdown for the first time in franchise history. It seemed like one of the last items to mark off the list of things never accomplished. After all, the Bucs have returned punts for touchdowns, returned blocked punts for touchdowns, returned blocked field goals for touchdowns, have had two 100-yard rushers in a game, have had a 200-yard rushing game, a 200-yard reception game and a 400-yard passing game.

Is there anything left to do?

You bet. Here's a list of things the Bucs still have never accomplished in their 32-year history.

Never have led the NFL in total offense
In fact, when it comes to total yardage, the Bucs have never even come close to leading the NFL in offense. Their best seasons were finishing 10th in 1984 and 2003. But they've finished 20th or worse 23 times. Even this season, the Bucs are 19th. Yeesh, instead of drawing up plays, maybe the Bucs would've been better off with one play: "Just everybody go out and get open.''

Never had a play from scrimmage go longer than 90 yards
The longest rushing play in Bucs history is a 78-yard TD run by Michael Pittman against Kansas City in 2004. The longest passing play in Bucs history is an 89-yard TD pass from Vinny Testaverde to Willie Drewrey in 1990. But 89 is not 90.

Never have played in Buffalo
In the regular season, that is. The Bucs did play one preseason game in Buffalo — a 17-6 loss way back in 1977. But the Bucs have never had the pleasure of going to upstate New York in the regular season. It's the only current NFL city the Bucs haven't visited in the regular season. What's weird is the Bills have come to Tampa Bay eight times.

Never have had a quarterback arrested and convicted on federal dogfighting charges
We once had high hopes for Steve Spurrier, but he went on not to abuse dogs, but to abuse Dawgs — the Georgia and Mississippi State variety. The Bucs scouting department simply needs to do a better job scouting. Isn't there another Vick out there somewhere?

Never had a 1,600-yard rusher
There are 16 games. That means the Bucs have never had a player average 100 yards rushing per game for the entire season. James Wilder came close. He rushed for 1,544 yards in 1984. It's not easy to do. Pittsburgh's Willie Parker leads the NFL in rushing this season with 1,317 yards, meaning he needs a hefty 283 yards in the final two games to be the only player to rush for 1,600 this season. San Diego's LaDainian Tomlinson, who needs 289 yards, and Minnesota's Adrian Peterson, who needs 322 yards, also have an outside crack at 1,600. Earnest Graham needs 723 yards!

Never have stopped arguing whether Gruden or Dungy deserves credit for the Super Bowl
"Jon Gruden won the Super Bowl,'' says one side.
"Yeah,'' says the other, "but he did it with Tony Dungy's players.''
As old as the "Tastes great, less filling'' routine. Everyone is right. But now Tony is gone. Great coach. Even better human being. But gone. So let’s all move on, shall we?

Never had an NFL Offensive MVP
Lee Roy Selmon and Derrick Brooks have won various defensive MVP awards. Selmon, Brooks and Warren Sapp were all named Associated Press Defensive Player of the Year. But no Bucs offensive player has been named MVP. And, really, it's not like a Bucs offensive player has been given a raw deal. No one really has even been a serious contender for the award.

Never landed the Big Tuna
How many times did the Bucs cast their line to catch the Big Tuna — Bill Parcells? Three? Four? They even hooked him once, but couldn't get him in the boat. Know what we mean, Atlanta?

Never have had a field goal blocked and returned for a touchdown
That's a good thing, one the Bucs hope never happens. Here's another positive one: they've never allowed an opposing receiver to have a 200-yard reception game in the regular season.

Never had an offensive tackle make the Pro Bowl
Paul Gruber is, without question, the finest offensive tackle the Bucs have ever had. And, truth be told, he probably should've made a few Pro Bowls and would have had it not played for some of the worst teams of his era.

Never have won in ...
There are few places the Bucs have never won. They are 0-5 in the city of Houston against the Texans and old Oilers. They are 0-2 in Jacksonville, 0-2 at Tennessee, 0-3 in Pittsburgh, 0-5 in Oakland. And, as we mentioned, they've never played at Buffalo. But New Jersey/New York has been almost a complete loss cause for the Bucs. They are 1-12 all-time on the road against the Giants and Jets. In the Meadowlands, they are 1-6 against the Giants (with the lone victory in 1997) and 0-4 against the Jets. To make matters worse, the Bucs have never beaten the Jets on the road. They were 0-2 at Shea Stadium before the Jets moved to the Meadowlands. Check out some of the losses to the Jets, too: 34-0, 62-28, 31-0. Fuhgetababoutit!

Never have returned two kickoffs for touchdowns in the same game
They’ve also never returned a touchdown and a punt for a touchdown in the same game. And never have returned a kickoff for a touchdown in California when the temperature is below 40 degrees.

(Photos: Associated Press, Times files)

Greatest college plays ever

Last week, Trinity University, a Division III football team from San Antonio, Tex., pulled off what might have been the greatest play in the history of college football. With two seconds left and needing a touchdown to win, Trinity scored on a 60-yard touchdown that featured 15 laterals to beat Millsaps College. It got me thinking about the best college plays ever. Now, certainly back in the days of Bronko Nagurski and Knute Rockne, there were probably plays that featured tons of laterals, broken tackles and incredible catches. But we’re sticking with some of the more familiar plays of recent memory.

1. The Play
Cal vs. Stanford, Nov. 20, 1982
Stanford's John Elway leads the Cardinal to what appeared to be a winning field goal with four seconds left. But on the ensuing kickoff, Cal pulled off five laterals. Cal's Kevin Moen then charged into the end zone, weaving his way not only throw the Cardinal kickoff team, but the Stanford band. Moen crashed into a trombone player for the winning score. Click here to see video.

2. Hail Flutie
Boston College vs. Miami, Nov. 23, 1984
Trailing 45-41 at the Orange Bowl, Boston College's diminutive quarterback Doug Flutie chucked the ball more than 60 yards in the air (the play officially was 48 yards) and it landed in the arms of Gerard Phelan as time expired. The play gave the Eagles the victory and probably won Flutie the Heisman Trophy. Click here to see video.

3. Bluegrass Miracle
LSU vs. Kentucky, Nov. 9, 2002
Leading LSU 30-27 with two seconds left, Kentucky players doused coach Guy Morriss with Gatorade. Uh, that was premature. From their own 18, LSU scored when QB Marcus Randall threw the ball as far as he could. He didn't even come close to reaching the end zone, but LSU's Devery Henderson caught a deflected pass at the 15 and raced into the end zone even as Kentucky fans were storming the field to rip down the goalposts. Click here to see video.

4. Miracle at Michigan
Colorado vs. Michigan, Sept. 24, 1994
Who said Kordell Stewart couldn't throw? The Colorado quarterback, with his team trailing by five, whipped a pass that travelled 73 yards in the air, tipped off the hands of Michigan defender and into the hands of diving Colorado receiver Michael Westbrook. The play stunned the crowd at Michigan’s Big House and gave the Buffaloes a 27-26 victory. Click here to see video.

5. The Run
Nebraska vs. Florida, Jan. 2, 1996
Bradenton's Tommie Frazier ripped off one of the great runs in college history and put the exclamation point on Nebraska's embarrassing 62-24 rout of Florida in the Fiesta Bowl. The quarterback held the ball on the option, broke a tackle and then was surrounded by four Gators. Somehow he broke all four tackles and raced 75 yards for a touchdown. Click here to see video.

6. Run Lindsay Run
Georgia vs. Florida, Nov. 8, 1980
Trailing 21-20 with 1:31 left, Georgia was at its own 7. Quarterback Buck Belue scrambled out of the pocket and hit wide receiver Lindsay Scott for what appeared to be a first down. Scott made it more than a first down. He caught the ball in the middle of the field, worked his way to the sideline and then raced home for a 93-yard TD as legendary Georgia radio announcer Larry Munson yelled, "Run Lindsay run!'' Click here to see video.

7. Nebraska's leg up
Nebraska vs. Missouri , Nov. 8, 1997
Down 38-31 to Missouri in what would have been a huge upset, Nebraska had the ball at the Missouri 12 with 12 seconds left. Quarterback Scott Frost threw the ball into the end zone, where it was deflected by a Missouri defender and then accidently kicked into the air. The ball landed in the hands of Nebraska receiver Matt Davison with no time left. Nebraska eventually won in overtime. Click here to see video.

8. Hook-and-lateral
Boise State vs. Oklahoma, Jan. 1, 2007
Little Boise State pulled out one football's great gadget plays in a shocking upset of Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. Facing a fourth-and-18 from the 50, quarterback Jared Zabransky threw a pass to Drisan James, who then pitched it to streaking teammate Jarard Rabb, who raced another 35 yards for a touchdown. Boise State won in OT using another trick play — the Statue of Liberty. Click here to see video.

9. Young's dash
Texas vs. USC, Jan. 4, 2006
Not necessarily a spectacular play, but it captured the extraordinary season by Texas quarterback Vince Young. Down by three with 19 seconds left, Young scrambled untouched in the end zone for an 8-yard TD to give the Longhorns a 41-38 victory over Southern Cal and the national title. Click here to see video.

10. Fumble-rooskie
Nebraska vs. Miami, Jan. 2, 1984
In the game for the national title, Nebraska pulled off one of the great trick plays when quarterback Turner Gill took the snap and set it on the ground. Guard Dean Steinkuhler then picked it up and rumbled 19 yards for the touchdown. (Note: the "fumble-rooskie'' is now illegal.) Miami ended up winning 31-30 when Nebraska’s two-point conversion at the end of the game failed. I couldn't find this video, but click here to catch another glimpse of Trinity's incredible play.

Real people; real scary

It's Halloween. Don't have a costume yet? Have no fear; I'm here to help. Here are a few sports-related personalites you can dress up as, and I even give suggestions on how to go about it.

Tom Brady
A Pats jersey and a child-support checkbook (Supermodel not included in costume kit.)

Jim Leavitt
A visor and, since it's a week following a loss, just be rude to everyone.

Joe Maddon
A pair of black-rim glasses with rose-colored lenses.

Michael Vick
A couple of dogs (dead or alive).

Scott Kazmir
But you are only allowed to go to 80 houses then another takes your place and will lose all your candy.

Elijah Dukes
I was going to make a joke, but this guy scares Freddy Krueger.

Chris Simms
Dye your hair blonde and carry a clipboard. And, oh yeah, have your spleen removed.

Jon Gruden
Begin trick-or-treating at 3 in the morning.

Jeff Garcia
Run frantically from one house to another.

Joe Paterno
Black glasses, rolled up pants, and do not talk about Austin Scott.

Rocco Baldelli
Crutches, ice packs, bottle of Tylenol and a portable whirlpool.

Steve Bartman
Dorky glasses, Cubs jacket, Cubs hat. Be sure to slap away all the candy intended for your buddy's pillowcase.

Peyton Manning
One drawback: you have to pay him royalties.

Isiah Thomas
Wear a suit and make inappropriate comments to all the females you pass.

Roger Clemens
Go back and forth on whether you're actually going to go trick-or-treating and then go about halfway through the night.

Bill Belichick
A video camera and the rattiest sweatshirt you can find. Also, lose your personality for a night.

Barry Bonds
Start off in a Pirates hat, but as the night progresses switch to a Giants hat and keep putting on masks that make your head bigger.

David Stern
Wear a suit and glasses, and yell at all the other trick-or-treaters who aren't dressed properly.

Dan Boyle
Full hockey gear but, of course, wear your skates on your arms.

Wildest play ever

Here's that play between Trinity University of San Antonio, Tex. and Millsaps College on Saturday. Two seconds left and Trinity at its own 40 needing a touchdown to win. This makes Standford-Cal look like nothing!(Video courtesy of ESPN)

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Dog meets bicyle in Tour de France

Marcus Burghardt of the T-Mobile team plowed into a dog that walked into the roadway during the Tour de France, Tuesday. The front wheel of his bike buckled and he was thrown to the ground. Neither Burghardt nor the dog appeared hurt.

Watch the video from European television.

Ways to fix the America's Cup

So, I got up early this week started whipping up a five-star breakfast with eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, pancakes, freshly  picked grapefruit and freshly squeezed orange juice. (Okay, to be honest, I got up late and ripped open a package of blueberry Pop-Tarts.)

But I did get up to watch the America's Cup. We have a local guy (St. Petersburg's Ed Baird) driving one boat and I thought I'd at least try to get fired up even though I don’t know which side is port and which side is starburst … or whatever it's called.

It started at 8:30 a.m. I lost interest at about 8:30:16. Seriously, do people actually get into this? I mean, like a lot of people? I can't imagine. But I'm willing to give the America’s Cup one more chance if they would only agree to make some changes. So here are my ways to improve the America's Cup.

Cannons
  That's right. Mount a cannon on the port side (or starfish or whatever way is facing the other guy's boat) and fire away. So even if someone has a big lead going down the stretch, that lead can be erased if the side of the boat gets a hole the size of a, well, cannonball. But you just don't get as many cannonballs as you can haul. Make it like the NFL's replay system. You only get three cannonballs, so you must use them wisely.

Submerged mines
These yachts take off and then they just race to the end. Just race. That's it. Boring. At least track and field was smart enough to add hurdles and stuff. Well, we can't very well put hurdles in the water, but we can put mines. Those are kind of like hurdles. The difference is if you trip on a hurdle, you get back up. If you trip a mine, you have an instant burial at sea. So we can't load up these mines with too much oomph. Just make them strong enough to puncture a hole in the bottom of the boat. So, it goes like this. Race starts. One boat gets big lead. Boat goes boom. Guys start swimming. Hilarity ensues.

Call it the Deadliest Cup
Ever see that show on the Discovery Channel called the Deadliest Catch? That  show is awesome. So why not combine America's Cup with a cool show like that? Instead of just racing, you have to catch crabs along the way. The more crabs you catch, the more time you get to shave off of your final score. Come home empty and you get penalized. I don't know, get some smart math guy in there to figure out all the particulars.

Same venue
The great thing about college baseball is the World Series is played every year in Omaha, Neb. Ah, you can hear it now, "Oregon State is on the road to Omaha.'' Or, "North Carolina is looking to get on the road to Omaha.'' Or, "Sister Mary of the Helpless can't find the road to Omaha.'' So, I propose the America's Cup is held in one place — the Bering Sea. Yeah, I hear it's rough there. And, yes, I realize the boats are made of fiberglass. Yes, I realize that rough seas and fiberglass boats are not a good combination. "The boats could break apart piece by piece,'' you say. Yeah, yeah, now you’re starting to get it.

Motors
I guess you could say that using a motor in a sail race is like a home run hitter using the juice. I'm not looking to give one team complete advantage, just a little extra boost when they desperately need it. So here's the idea: each team only gets one gallon of gas for the above-mentioned motor. Like the cannons, use it wisely.

Pirates
Load the ships with treasure and then set bands of pirates loose on the course. Tell the pirates they get to keep what they can steal. Of course, we can arm the America's Cup teams with swords and we’ve already given them cannons. Swashbuckling sword fights on the deck as boats race to a finish line? Oh, this is gold. Disney can get involved and make a movie and a thrill ride and action figures. The possibilities are endless.

Add shark cages … and sharks
Man goes inside cage. Cage goes in the water. Shark in the water. Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Hey, anytime you add sharks, you add viewers. It's a television fact.

Harpoons
I'm not exactly sure what to do with the harpoons, but I'm pretty sure harpoons can be used for something. This idea remains a work in progress.

Strip sailing
Just like strip poker. Lose a race and a piece of clothing comes off. Of course, who wants to see a bunch of naked sailors? So — and here’s the genius part — we add celebrities. One team has, say, Brad Pitt and Jessica Biel and the other team has Orlando Bloom and Jessica Alba.

Well, that's about it. I can't think of anything else … well, anything else that's not illegal or wouldn't get an angry letter from PETA. I'm still working on it. Hopefully, I'll be able to get it all hammered out by the next America’s Cup, which will be held in …  either Omaha or the Bering Sea.

Detroit Lions quarterbacks say the darndest things

My buddy Michael Rand, whom I worked with at the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and who runs a great blog called Randball, actually discovered (and properly made fun of) this little gem in the Detroit Free-Press. Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna predicts the Lions will win 10 games this season. Whoops, check that. MORE than 10 games. See, he predicted 10 victories before he saw the schedule. Then he saw the schedule and decided that the Lions would do better than just 10 measly wins.

This means one of two things. Either Kitna believes wide receiver Calvin Johnson is the missing piece. That's one thought. Or the other possibility: Kitna fell asleep, had a dream that he had been traded to the Indianapolis Colts, woke up and didn't realize he was dreaming.

Ten wins? This is a team that hasn't won more than SIX games in any of the past six seasons. They went 3-13 last season. Heck, they have won only 24 of their past 96 games. But Kitna's theory is every season there's one team that goes from, say, 5-11 to, say, 11-5. So why not the Lions?

But here are my five choices of teams with losing records in 2006 who have a chance to turn it around this season.

1. Arizona (5-11)
New coach (Ken Whisenhunt) and QB Matt Leinart has a year under his belt.

2. Miami (6-10)
QB Trent Green surely is good for four more wins to make it 10-6.

3. Atlanta (7-9)
QB Michael Vick is motivated to shut up all the critics.

4. Tampa Bay (4-12)
Yes, I know I predicted a 5-10-1 season, but maybe Jeff Garcia is the answer.

5. Detroit (3-13)
Is it possible Jon Kitna isn't a kook after all? I doubt it, but what the heck. If he turns out to be right, I'll look like a genius, too.

Please put cell phones, keys and guns on the belt

I missed this story when it came out. But last month St. Bonaventure baseball coach, a guy named Larry Sudbrook, was arrested for trying to carry a .357 magnum onto a commercial airplane. On Thursday, he pleaded guilty and received a $1,000 fine and forfeited the weapon.

The magistrate said Sudbrook's mistake was "mind-boggling,'' but added, "I'm firmly convinced, based on your background, that it was the result of human error.''

Human error? Human error? Human error is when lock your keys in your car or don't close the refrigerator door all the way. It's not trying to CARRY A .357 MAGNUM ONTO A PLANE. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think you weren't even allowed to do that pre-9/11.

Sudbrook was on his way to a three-game series against Charlotte (yikes, Charlotte must be a big rival if you have to pack heat). Sudbrook, who has been the Bonnies coach for 22 years, is a hunter and gun collector and said he was using a bag three weeks earlier and forgot to take it out. Which begs the question, where did he go three weeks earlier?

Best video you'll see all day

I had an Etch-A-Sketch. We all did. I could draw, well, a box. And ... I guess that's it. A box. Whenever I tried to draw something like a tree or a house, it ended up looking like a plate of spaghetti. This video does not end up looking like a plate of spaghetti -- unless you have a plate of spaghetti that looks just like LeBron James. Check it out. It's incredible.

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Null and void/the worst contracts ever

Last week, the New York Islanders bought out what was left on what might have been the worst contract in NHL history. That contract belongs to Alexei Yashin, who heads our Hall of Fame class of the worst contracts in sports history.

Alexei Yashin
10 years, $87.5-million
Even at the time (2001), everyone thought the Islanders giving Yashin a 10-year, $87.5-million contract was insane. Sadly for the Isles, it went from insane to plain stupid. He was supposed to be a star, but he never scored more than 32 goals or more than 75 points in a season. Last season, he limped to an 18-goal, 32-assist season even though he is only 33. His swan song was a no-points performance in a five-game playoff series loss to Buffalo. On the bright side, he had plenty of money to spend on model-girlfriend Carol Alt.

Bryant "Big Country'' Reeves
Six years, $65-million
Big Country? More like a Big Spare Tire. Know how many buckets of fried chicken you can buy with $65-million? We don't, but we're guessing that's where most of Reeves' money went. Big Country was supposed to be the cornerstone of the Vancouver Grizzlies (that was an NBA team in 1997). Some cornerstone. Reeves ate himself out of the league within three years and the Grizzles aren't in Vancouver anymore.

Mike Hampton
Eight years, $121-million
Even experts raised their eyebrows when Hampton picked up $121-million in 2000 from the Rockies. In two years, he went 21-28 with an ERA of more than 6. Since then, his career has been sidelined by injuries. The kicker: The Rockies still owe him $6-million for a buyout in 2009 assuming the Braves (Hampton’s current team when he comes off the disabled list next season) don’t pick up a $20-million option. Uh, they won't.

Steve Spurrier
Five years, $25-million
In 2002, the Ol' Ball Coach was supposed to take his visor, ego and crazy offense to the NFL and light up the scoreboards on the way to Super Bowl titles for the Redskins. Then he found out there’s more to coaching in the NFL than a morning workout and an afternoon tee time. He was on the sideline for two years, 12 victories and 20 losses. We’ll do the math: that's about $2-million a victory.

Wilson Alvarez
Five years, $35-million
The then-largest contract in Rays history (1997) makes for the biggest bust in Rays history. Unless you count time on the disabled list as being a huge success. Alvarez, who looked more like the Michelin Man than the man, won 17 games in a Rays uniform.

Alex Rodriguez
10 years, $252-million
Let’s set one thing straight. A-Rod probably is the best player in baseball, meaning he deserves to be the highest paid. But the Rangers' plan to make him the centerpiece of a winning franchise crashed and burned in three years after the December 2000 signing, and the Rangers were desperate to shed themselves of him and his contract. The Yankees took it, moved him to third and are still looking for their first championship with A-Rod. It's not his fault for the Yankees losing, but we can't say he has helped win a World Series, either.

Grant Hill
Seven years, $93-million
Poor Grant. Nice guy. In fact, great guy. But no luck at all. Injuries ravaged his career and sunk the Magic, which signed him in 2000. Hill would get hurt climbing off the training table. Okay, that'ss an exaggeration, but this isn't: He played just 200 regular-season games, which equals out to $465,000 per game. And every single game, you held your breath while waiting for him to get hurt again.

Michael Vick
10 years, $130-million
Vick signed the richest contract in NFL history with the Falcons in December 2004: $130-million with a $37-million signing bonus. And, if the rumors are true, he has had way more championships in the pit bull ring than on the football field. If the rumors are not true, then he has as many pit bull championships as football championships. You sign someone for that kind of dough, you're supposed to deliver at least a conference championship.

Darren Dreifort
Five years, $55-million
Agent Scott Boras scared the heck out of the Dodgers, hinting that Dreifort, who really had never done a whole lot, was about to sign with a rival club in the National League West. So the Dodgers ponied up a huge contract in 2001. In the first year of the deal, Drei­fort had to shut down his season in July. When the five years were up, Dreifort had missed the equivalent of two full seasons and had a 9-15 record.

Allan Houston
Six years, $100-million
Here’s all you need to know about this 2001 deal: Houston doesn't play anymore. And he was the second-highest-paid player in the NBA. What made this contract especially heinous is the Knicks offered Houston more than $40-million more than anyone else.

Ed Whitson
Five years, $4.4-million
True, in today’s world, it’s hard to sign a Little Leaguer for $4.4-million over five years. But these were 1984 dollars. That was a huge contract then. What made it so bad wasn't the money, it was Whitson's performance. New York fans booed him so unmercifully that by the end of his time with the Yankees, he could only pitch on the road. His stint was so stunningly bad that even today, some 20 years later, whenever a big-time free agent fails with the Yankees, people say he suffers from Ed Whitson Disease.

Denny Neagle
Five years, $51-million
A sad story. Neagle signs huge deal with Rockies in December 2000. Pitches parts of three seasons. Wins 19  and loses 23 . Has 5.56  ERA. Gets arrested for being with a hooker. Released — exactly four years to the day when he signed his contract. Told you it was sad.

Juan Guzman
Two years,$12.5-million
Actually, I changed my mind. This was the worst contract in Devil Rays history. The Rays tried to get free agent Aaron Sele and settled for Guzman instead. It didn't seem like a bad tradeoff in 2000. Guzman was supposed to be a front-of-the-rotation pitcher. If his arm wasn’t ready to fall off. Guzman lasted a grand total of 1 2/3 innings in a Rays uniform. His shoulder finally broke down for good, and he never pitched again.

Ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along?

So, if we get involved in another war and Sweden  joins our side and everybody from both countries has to fight, remind me to stay away from Annika Sorenstam when it's time to pick fox-hole partners.

Let's review. Last week, Michelle Wie quit after the 16th hole of a tournament which was hosted by Sorenstam, complaining of a wrist injury that dates back to February. Had she finished bogey-bogey, she would've shot an 88 and because she is not an official LPGA player, that would've meant a ban for the rest of the year. Was she really hurt? Maybe. Maybe not. Certainly you can't blame her for pulling out with her season (not to mention all the endorsements) on the line. I would've done it. So would you.

But Sorenstam went out of her way to rip into Wie -- essentially calling her a cheater -- despite having absolutely no proof that Wie was faking. It's true that Wie spent the next day hitting buckets and buckets of balls on the driving range. And, yeah, the 88 rule probably had a lot to do with Wie pulling out. And, yeah, Wie definitely should've realized how it looked to be "grinding'' (as Sorenstam called it) on the range the next day.

The thing is Sorenstam should've had a fellow player's back. But Wie is the hot kid on the tour, and I think Sorenstam simply comes off as jealous and classless. A few years from now, Wie is going to own the women's tour. She will be the women's equivalent of Tiger Woods. And about that time Sorenstam's game likely will be fading. There might be a day when Sorenstam needs Wie to back her. If I were Annika, I wouldn't count on it.

That's a peach, hun

One of the advantages of checking out this blog is that occasionally you might get a sneak preview of what's going to be in the next day's paper. You can impress friends and influence business partners with your alleged psychic abilities. Anyway, on Friday's Page 2 of the Times sports section, I'm going to be talking about some of the more memorable collapses in sports history. This, of course, inspired by the Devil Rays face-plant in the ninth inning Tuesday night in Toronto.

All the usual suspects have been rounded up:

The Bucs choke against the Colts on Monday Night Football. The Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead in the 2004 ALCS. Greg Norman turning into Goofy at the 1996 Masters. There's a bunch more.

But I started thinking. What is the worst collapse ever? The absolute worst? Many -- like the Bucs on Monday Night or the Yankees in 2004 -- were partly a result of their own ineptitude. But often the other team mounts a great rally. Certainly the Colts did against the Bucs. And so did the Red Sox against the Yankees.

So if you're just factoring a player or a team blowing it all by themselves, Norman's blow-up at the Masters is in the running. But my all-time pick is Jean Van de Velde at the 1999 British Open. Standing on the 18th hole on Sunday, all he needed to do was double bogey a par-4. Double bogey. A six. He made seven and lost in a playoff.

In his classic column about Van de Velde's collapse, Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated wrote:

You telling me you can't make a six on a par 4? A double bogey? You could make double bogey in flippers and a snorkel. You could hit a five-iron, an oar and a rigatoni noodle and make a double bogey. A well-trained chicken could make a freaking double bogey.

But Van de Velde couldn't, which is why I think it's the greatest collapse ever. What do you think? Is this the greatest collapse ever?  (Photo: Associated Press.)

Here, Skipper, try the decaf

This might be the greatest meltdown in the history of sports. Every time I watch this I keep waiting for Nurse Ratched to come out of the stands with a syringe.

His name is Phillip Wellman and he's the manager of the Mississippi Braves, the Double-A farm team of the Atlanta Braves. And for the rest of his life, no one will care if he says, "Hi, I'm Phillip Wellman and I was the manager of the Mississippi Braves, the Double-A farm team of the Atlanta Braves.'' Instead, he'll get good tables at Sonny's by saying, "Hi, I'm Phillip Wellman and I was the manager who pretended the rosin bag was a grenade.'' To which hostesses will say, "Right this way, Mr. Crazy Guy.''

Here are five more of my favorite meltdowns:

1. Lou Piniella. Multiple occasions, but fighting Nasty Boy Rob Dibble is my favorite.

2. Bob Knight throwing a chair.

3. John McEnroe yelling, "You cannot be SERIOUS!?''

4. An in-a-trance Reggie Jackson chanting, "I must kill ... the queen'' in The Naked Gun.

5. George Brett sprinting, flipping and spitting in the Pine Tar Game.